Update - of sorts

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Update - of sorts
22
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 5:46pm
A week ago this Monday, I ended things with MM. While I have always understood I could never come first, or even second in his life. Simple things like calling when he says he's going to call, no contact of any kind from him for a full week, cancelling lunches is just a little too much. Yes, I understand his work is important, he has a family and his time is limited, but to go seven days without even an email that say "Hi, how are you." or a phone call on the way home from work just to say he was thinking of me is rude and thoughtless. Period. Sure we can make all sorts of excuses for ourselves, "He's thinking of me", "He's stressing about work or busy with the holidays." Guess what, so am I. I work full time, come home and start my second full time job as a wife, mother, friend etc. Throw shopping, decorating and getting out the cards, and my time is limited. Yet I FIND the time to touch base with those in my life. MM on the other hand, has a wife to do all this, and yet I except "I'm sorry I didn't contact you last week because things were wild at work" Ummm I don't think so.

In short, I called MM at work. He was busy of course. So I told him I would make it brief. I told him I enjoyed the time I had with him, and they would always have a special place in my heart, but I feel he and I aren't looking for the same thing in the relationship. So it's time I move on and perhaps make room in life for someone who can find ten minutes once or twice a week to call me. Someone who understands when I make up excuses to get out of the house at night, just to meet him for dinner or drinks, will keep the date, not bail out because he's in "meetings". It puts me in a difficult spot at home, explaining why I'm dressed up but dinner with girlfriends is cancelled. He was pretty silent through all of this, occasionally saying, "Things really have been bad at work, I have been busy and traveling". I explained I understood that and didn't pressure him in any way, but while he was at the airport waiting for his flight, he could open his cell and call me if he was "thinking about me", but for whatever reason he chose not to.

He said "what about me". I told him "I think you will ok. You're busy, so if this upsets you, you will be able to keep you mind off of things." He started to talk about how things will be different at the beginning of the year, work will be slower, etc. At this point, I really didn't want to hear it, I gave him plenty of chances, I was patient. It was over for me. Of course the charm is turned on "you are such a fabulous woman, I was foolish (yes you were, I'm thinking), I just ask for a second chance." His second chance came the third and forth time he cancelled on me or didn't call or contact me for over a week. This was pointed out to him. Finally I said, "I like you, and enjoyed the time we had, but I'm pretty amazing and I deserve so much more then you can ever offer me. I think I will hold out for someone who has the time. Sorry to call you at work, but this is the only time I know I can contact you. Hope the New Year is a prosperous one for you, and you and your family have a Merry Christmas. Bye"

That night, surprise surprise he found the time to get on line. Too little too late.

So there you have it. I stayed away from the board last week and kept myself busy doing the things that make the holiday special. Surprisingly, I'm not sad over this, but relieved. I said from the beginning when the headache gets to be greater then the pleasure, it's time to leave. I didn't like they way the n/c made me feel; "what did I do", "did something happen to him", the phone would ring and I'd think "It's him", then feel my heart drop when it wasn't. I guess I just don't have the nerve and courage for an EMA. We live and learn. This girl is getting off the roller coaster, and now realize that I'm wired for......well, the swings! lol

I wish all of you luck with you MM/OM. Remember how wonderful you truly are, don't settle for second best. Have a wonderful holiday season, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me during all of this. God Bless.

Life

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 6:04pm

Hi Life,


I don't believe you asked too much... not at all... to be patient and understanding, it is only fair to want that returned to you in the same way.


It's good to see you did what you had to do... for you! you are the one that matters... you are the most important... and if you can see that... then I think you'll be just fine.


I wish you all the very best in love and life... and enjoy those swings while you can :)


do try to pop in every now and then to let us know how you are.


luv and hugs


Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 7:02pm
Thank you sweet69. I have to admit I'm disappointed at "what could have been", and loved the time I had with him, but I don't live on memories - but day by day and look forward to the future. Canceling at the last minute time and again when he would literally promise to be there is just a little to much for me. Saying, "I'll call you Monday about dinner Tuesday" only to get no call from him, then being forced to call him Tuesday at 6:00 p.m. to have him say, "I'm tied up at work, so I don't think I can make it." Who am I? Ms. Beck N Call?? Sorry, but I deserve alot more then that.

What amazes me is the sense of peace I have. Which tells me, I did the right thing.

Since my M has been over for years, I'm not opposed to an EMA. If someone wonderful comes along in the future, I might consider it. Taking this much slower in the future. If nothing else, I have learned from this experience, and I'm stronger for it.

Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 7:25pm
It's sad it had to come to that, :(.

I wish you the best of luck and much, much happiness from here on, :).
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 11:14pm
Good luck in whatever you do...

Just because we are in the position of being the OW we still should not settle for less than we each deserve...

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:54pm
I am so in awe of you, Life. What you did took a lot of guts and, as someone who gets frustrated at times at MM not doing those little things he COULD do to talk to me even when he's busy, I know how it feels to know we deserve better. I hope someday I'll have the guts to stand up and say, "It's over" and then resist MM's attempts to make it up to me. Remember that story I told about the old men sitting on the front porch and the dog keeps whining and then someone asks why he's whining and someone says he's lying on an old rusty nail? Well, I guess you've finally decided that old rusty nail hurts too bad and you're going to get up and move on. Sometimes you take the pain and take the pain and then one day you wake up and you've just HAD ENOUGH. I've told myself numerous times I'd had enough, but I always know deep down I don't mean it. There's a Shania Twain song called "Nah" that I sing when I'm feeling like I've had it. You should look the lyrics up... Anyway, congrats and stay strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 2:10pm
life, you absolutely did the right thing girl!! i'm so proud of you and i know that even though your heart is a bit achy, but you will survive AND thrive!!

MM did take you for granted and you took control of your life and moved forward, as hard as that was to do, and you are relieved too!! all the better!

congratulations and best of luck in the future. enjoy the holidays and stop in once in awhile to check in with us!

keep your chin up honey!!

gurl

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 3:40pm
god, you sounded so much like me life.. i have given up many times, waiting for the crumbs to be thrown at me.. then lapping them up only to not get anything else for over a week. This week,another week, the last time i spoke to him is when I called again... 3 weeks ago.. i have sent a birthday card and got my obligatory thanks in a text message, but feel too that this is it.

Xmas has snuck up on me, and maybe on him too, but i don't care anymore. Again last week i vowed not to contact him AGAIN... i dont want to care anymóre and it takes too much energy to do so anyway. I look to you all for support and you have been great, so thanks again, and life and lila if you want to email, or chat, i am at mikkolover@hotmail.com..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 3:54pm
Life, you are an inspiration to me. I've had all the same disappointments as you and also feel that I don't deserve to be treated like this anymore. I applaud you! C
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:52pm
I have to be truthful, my hands shook through the entire phone conversation. I wanted to believe him, but my logical mind said it was all a lie. No one is that busy. To me, I was dealing with much of the same behavior as I dealt with when it came to my H. I can't tell you how many times we were to meet someplace he and would be an hour late. No call telling me why, and getting my head bit off when I asked why he didn't call me to let me know he was goingto be late. I have that crap at home, I sure don't need it in an EMA too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:54pm
I will continue to try to keep myself busy and keep my head up. The only thing that naws at my mind is how I could be SO wrong about someone. I guess he is just good at this, and I was foolish enough to believe.

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