Update - of sorts

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Update - of sorts
22
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 5:46pm
A week ago this Monday, I ended things with MM. While I have always understood I could never come first, or even second in his life. Simple things like calling when he says he's going to call, no contact of any kind from him for a full week, cancelling lunches is just a little too much. Yes, I understand his work is important, he has a family and his time is limited, but to go seven days without even an email that say "Hi, how are you." or a phone call on the way home from work just to say he was thinking of me is rude and thoughtless. Period. Sure we can make all sorts of excuses for ourselves, "He's thinking of me", "He's stressing about work or busy with the holidays." Guess what, so am I. I work full time, come home and start my second full time job as a wife, mother, friend etc. Throw shopping, decorating and getting out the cards, and my time is limited. Yet I FIND the time to touch base with those in my life. MM on the other hand, has a wife to do all this, and yet I except "I'm sorry I didn't contact you last week because things were wild at work" Ummm I don't think so.

In short, I called MM at work. He was busy of course. So I told him I would make it brief. I told him I enjoyed the time I had with him, and they would always have a special place in my heart, but I feel he and I aren't looking for the same thing in the relationship. So it's time I move on and perhaps make room in life for someone who can find ten minutes once or twice a week to call me. Someone who understands when I make up excuses to get out of the house at night, just to meet him for dinner or drinks, will keep the date, not bail out because he's in "meetings". It puts me in a difficult spot at home, explaining why I'm dressed up but dinner with girlfriends is cancelled. He was pretty silent through all of this, occasionally saying, "Things really have been bad at work, I have been busy and traveling". I explained I understood that and didn't pressure him in any way, but while he was at the airport waiting for his flight, he could open his cell and call me if he was "thinking about me", but for whatever reason he chose not to.

He said "what about me". I told him "I think you will ok. You're busy, so if this upsets you, you will be able to keep you mind off of things." He started to talk about how things will be different at the beginning of the year, work will be slower, etc. At this point, I really didn't want to hear it, I gave him plenty of chances, I was patient. It was over for me. Of course the charm is turned on "you are such a fabulous woman, I was foolish (yes you were, I'm thinking), I just ask for a second chance." His second chance came the third and forth time he cancelled on me or didn't call or contact me for over a week. This was pointed out to him. Finally I said, "I like you, and enjoyed the time we had, but I'm pretty amazing and I deserve so much more then you can ever offer me. I think I will hold out for someone who has the time. Sorry to call you at work, but this is the only time I know I can contact you. Hope the New Year is a prosperous one for you, and you and your family have a Merry Christmas. Bye"

That night, surprise surprise he found the time to get on line. Too little too late.

So there you have it. I stayed away from the board last week and kept myself busy doing the things that make the holiday special. Surprisingly, I'm not sad over this, but relieved. I said from the beginning when the headache gets to be greater then the pleasure, it's time to leave. I didn't like they way the n/c made me feel; "what did I do", "did something happen to him", the phone would ring and I'd think "It's him", then feel my heart drop when it wasn't. I guess I just don't have the nerve and courage for an EMA. We live and learn. This girl is getting off the roller coaster, and now realize that I'm wired for......well, the swings! lol

I wish all of you luck with you MM/OM. Remember how wonderful you truly are, don't settle for second best. Have a wonderful holiday season, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me during all of this. God Bless.

Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:58pm
I'm sorry you are going through this too. Wouldn't you love to just out him with his W? But I know in my heart that's wrong and why ruin a marriage because I believe him.

I will keep in touch mikkolover. Take care of yourself. Because in the end, we are all we have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 6:01pm
Thank you cowboyguarantee. I don't know if I read it here or somewhere else, but it said always put yourself first in an EMA. If that person isn't treating you with respect and holding up their end of the deal - kick them to the curb. At the time, I thought it was a little harsh. But in retrospect, it's true. They can't or won't put us first, so we need to look out for ourselves first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 6:52pm
life

Good luck to you! Sorry it didn't work out, but you are right -- you deserve better!!

Have a great holiday, and hold your head high -- you are strong!!!

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 3:16pm
hey grand, don't be upset with yourself. you can't read his mind and you probably wouldn't want to anyway!! seriously, you never REALLY know any person and their intentions, until maybe you've been together for 10-20 years or so. so don't blame yourself for the way this situation turned out. just know that you are a good woman and he's a stupid man and move on from there!!

good luck sweetie and we're always, but always here for ya!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 4:14pm
Life, your post has really got me thinking. There are very few guys here, why is it that us women put up with what we do?! I just don't get it. We give 100% of ourselves and as you said lick up what crumbs they give us. My SG is ALWAYS so busy too, always going into a meeting in 2 minutes, several times something comes up when we were to meet for lunch. Yadda yadda.. nobody, I mean nobody is busier than we are and we still find the time. We are beautiful, sexy woman and I have heard it here so many times, guys are a dime a dozen. Once a guy knows we will "play" watch out. So why do we keep going after that one guy who doesn't seem to want us like we want them? Can anyone figure this out because it is confusing me and taking up way too much of my time lately. I'd like to think that I am old enough and wise enough to not having it be about the "chase", but is it? And why, Life, did you all of a sudden have enough of it to tell him, what changed. I e-mailed my SG last week after 2 weeks of NC and got a reply within 2 hrs. saying he was too busy but would write more later. He didn't. I called him yesterday on his birthday and he was so friendly and asked how I was and thanked me for calling him. He said he would definately call or e-mail me when things slow down. I WILL NOT contact him again until I hear from him first. I can't keep this up anymore. I can't be here in one year with the same problems. I feel we are good friends now and I didn't end things, kind of just left them hanging. I would love to confuse him for a change, but I don't think the guys dwell on every little word like we do. Why, why, why..., C
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 4:23pm
deleted


Edited 3/10/2004 5:03 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 10:51am
Life

Reading your update made me realize that I am doing the right think - my situation is similar to yours in several ways. 2 years ago I moved halfway across the country. At this point my A had been going on for 5 yrs, both being very busy and married we talked often but saw each other seldom. I tried to break off the A when I moved, since it didn't seem to make sense to continue a secret relationship long distance, my MM didn't want to end it at all.

Since the move I call him, he never calls me (well maybe once or twice)saying he doesn't want anyone to see my number on his cell (can't make the buisness call excuse any more - and he belongs to a culture of extremely gossipy and everyone knows everyone elses buisness folk) This began to bother the heck out of me, tried some NC then he would sound really hurt that I hadn't called for a while. Well, to make a long story short, I went back "home" about a month ago and he "begged" me to stay in a hotel near the airport and his home, rather than stay with friends(for free)in the city, so he could see me every morning on his way into work. Against my better judgement I did that and he arrived late the first morning and then called late(er) that day to say he office was closed the next day and he wouldn't be coming to see me (he had also promised to take me back to the airport that evening for my flight). This was just BS - most Americans don't get that holiday off!!

Well this was the straw that broke the camels back, I am just not willing to be doing all the work any more. I called him (had to leave a message)to let him know how he hurt me by not keeping his promises and that if he wanted us to continue being lovers then he had to call me and tell me so. So far no phone call - but I am not surprised. In his case I think it's really fear that causes him to act this way, rather than something darker, but as you said, we don't deserve to be treated like this!!!! The NC has been hard, I miss hearing his voice, but somehow I don't feel the extreme heartache I thought I would. Could be that I've been so busy at work and with the holidays that I haven't had the chance to wallow just yet. (Still rather angry tho')

Well this really long fume was really just to let you know that you are not alone and that I really admire the courage you had to tell your MM that it is over, and resist his charms to try to lure you back onto this rollercoaster ride. Let us know what the New Year brings you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:25am
Honey,you are GREATLY mistaken. Please don't generalize about us, there is no such thing as a typical guy, we are all different. And yes, we give 100% of ourselves, and we do dwell on every word you say just like women do if not more so. I hate to throw this assumption in here but could it be that he is just not that into you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:28am
Yea Boston!! Keep throwing that male perspective out there for us!!!:)

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:35am
Don't be afraid to throw that assumption in here Boston, believe me I think about that everyday. I think it's more that I'm married and he's running scared. But hey thanks for your honesty...guess I'll just have to cowboy up! C