update from yesterday (need a shoulder..
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| Sat, 08-23-2003 - 1:57pm |
For the first time I told him how I felt about these cold shoulder sessions. His first response was "I'm a big chicken". He had given me something in the office in front of people (which I COULD NOT BELEIVE) last week. This scared him because he was thinking all weekend about how dumb that was and how people could very easily start talking. He is very scared of getting caught, of course....this was his reason for distancing himself.
I told him that I promised myself that I would have to stop if I felt that I was being disrespected and that there was going to have to be a decision made. He agreed but said the problem was that he would never loose his attraction for me, no matter how hard he tries. He said that I have been wonderful...I 've never done anything to hurt him, never asked for anything, never demanded anything and that its completly fair that I be respected! He made mention that this whole realtionship is not fair to me but my response was that it is not for him to say what is fair to me and that only I can make that call. I am fine as long as I am being treated with common courtesy. I went back to the fact a decision need to be made by us both and he said he was going to give it thought and did at one point mention that he's "going to have to figure it out, I need to be more careful."
At another point (and I'm not sure why) he told me that he and his wife "had a big blow out this morning". I didn't ask....just said that "fights are healthy". i cannot figure out why he said that, maybe he was just trying to share with me as a friend.
I didn't break it off as I was so pumped to do because I can really understand his feelings. I figured I'd let him think about it. We ended up truly and completely intimate for the first time in 7 months. I had made a comment that this may be the last time~ he said "I doubt it".
When he was getting ready to leave, he said, "ok, now for the rules: I should not be cold toward you because you deserve more." (or something to that effect). And made metion that he still wishes I would just find someone to be truly happy with and then things would just go back to normal. He obviously wants ME to do something that will keep him away because his own will wont let him.
I was HONEST and stood up for myself. He has run scared so many times (on his own) I was always frightened that the slightest flex of muscle would send him away again. I finally got the nerve and I'm glad.
I am very scared about what he will come back to me with. He is at home now, with his family thinking "what am I doing?" (he told me he does that all the time - then he comes back and sees me all week long). I truly just don't know what is going to happen and it's really hard to keep my mind off of it. I'm not sick nervous I guess because I do have a feeling that it's still not over but you never know....
Thanks for listening.

I'm happy for you. You
should always be able
to be open in an A. So
glad you got the nerve
to talk to him! As for
him wanting you to "stop"
the A by having a R with
another man... Would you
be able to stop seeing
your MM? Have a good day:)
~passion