Update...unpacking my life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Update...unpacking my life...
7
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 7:01am
Just an update about what has happened since my horrible trip to see the not-so-SG last week.

It has been so hard for me to accept that I was nothing to the SG, or at least so little that when I said I could not be his f**k buddy, all he did was tell me that wasn't the situation, but yet he decided to keep his relationship with the GF, who is his own words"gets under his skin" since they have nothing in common and she is shallow. Here I was basically "offering" myself to this man, whom I have loved for 2 years. The man that hounded me over and over for the first 5 or 6 months we were starting the R ( while I was legally - and geographically -seperated from the H) about getting my divorce. And now, when I decide it is RIGHT and that in my HEART I know I want to spend the rest of my life with the N-S-SG..he turned me down ( or at least my perception is that he did.)

I guess I expected he would be happy and excited and while it would take some effort and work - we would have sat down and put together a plan for how this would happen...instead his answer was "I don't know what to say"

I guess maybe I was wrong about everything. I didn't file for divorce last year because I wanted to be SURE there was *something* real there between he and I, before I caused the pain and the hurt of divorce. He assured me that it was real and tangible, the connection and the feelings I felt and that he felt. Of course, he never really said what he felt - that has been my department... just letting all my feelings and emotions out ...never holding back - well I have learned my lesson.

I am not totally moved into the new house with the H. I am slowly unpacking things that were mine from 4 years ago that I forgot about. It has been an emotional situation, and it is all I can do not to fall apart everyday. I have felt such RAGE inside me for a few days that it scares me -- Rage to the point of feeling like a guitar string ready to snap -physically shaking inside and out. Nothing I do, or anyone does is right. I have to make a final trip back out to the cottage to pick up the last of my mail and a few things left behind, and it scares me ... I miss the cottage on the lake where I wove the dream of me and the SG living or at least spending some time together.

I know I don't have the market cornered on pain and anguish on this board. I hurt everyday. I can't sleep. Eating? junk food when I think about it...I look awful - and for the first time in my life, I look in the mirror and I see the woman with wrinkles and sagging body parts and I think - "no wonder the SG ( who is 10 years younger) doesnt want me .. I can't compete with the 30 year old woman he is with."

Part of me wants to run away. I want to get in my car... and drive - to where? The SG won't have me - and for the last 2+ years that is where I have been running away to .. to him. Now, that escape dream is dead too.

So, I live through my day, not really caring about how I look anymore, how I feel - it is like a watercolor painting that has been doused with the hose... all the colors are there - they just aren't so pretty anymore.

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 7:53am
Good morning, Chloe.

Get a cup of coffee and get your ass in gear. Seriously.

Why are you beating yourself up over this? I have been following your posts. First of all, it doesn't actually sound like communication between SG and you was ever that great. From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like either of you clearly expressed to the other what his/her true expectations and desires were in regards to the R. And you both have incidents of obfuscation... he at first didn't realize you were still M/not yet D or on that path, you didn't know about his full R w/gf.

But what I don't "clearly" see in your posts is that he doesn't want you. So buck up the self-esteem. Sounds to me like for two years he made an effort to show you that he wanted you...

the difference is that he wanted you on his terms, and you were never really clear what those terms were. He didn't really know yours, either. And when you came over and started showing him the terms you had in mind, he probably honestly, truly, "didn't know what to say." While that may not be the ringing endorsement of sweeping passion that you will one day be all his, it doesn't mean he doesn't want you. It means you surprised him.

You've been looking at this as an either/or situation. Either you will be with H, or you will be with SM. Why? Where does Chloe exist in all this? Who is she, apart from someone's W or someone's OW? You are more than the sum of experiences from your M and your EMA.

Are you still leaving H, or was that only the plan if you could have SG? What are you doing for Chloe? You are going through an extremely emotional series of events right now, so take your time. Please. And whatever you do, be sure you're doing it for you and no one else.

Take care. YOU make yourself beautiful, desireable and sexy. Not H. Not OM. So be that woman you want to be. And forget the flaws you think you see. You're the only one who sees them, anyway.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 9:48am
How can you want to spend the rest of your life with the OM when he clearly hasn't shown any respect for you? Where is your self respect? This guy has treated you like piece of sh*t and you seem to be wanting to crawl your way back to him. If you don't mind me saying so, he probably treats you cheaply because he knows you will go back at his beck and call. Here's a tip - get a backbone and a life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 10:07am
Hi Lily

well... i have my cup of coffee...

You have some very valid points there... and i guess i need to start taking stock of everything in front of me. you are right i am seeing things in the either/or mode.

As for the communication... it is strange that when we first net the communication was sometimes unbearable... he wanted to talk talk talk ... and we did... and usually it was centered around our philosophies of life, the world and what it all means... we also talked a lot about "who we are" and he was the first man EVER to get a really good bead on who *I* was - since I wasnt all that clear at that time! After the first month together - he asked me what I wanted out of the R - and I told him in my life situation at the time, I was looking for a PARTNER someone to share my life and my experiences.. he asked me how I felt about him - and when I was too scared to answer - he offered to tell him how HE felt--which was that he had spent a lot of time thinking about the what if's - and that he was seeing me as his life partner as well. So,I thought since the only thing(s) that changed was that I was now getting the D - he would still want me.. and maybe you are right - he was surprised.

I do know that timing has been a fly in the ointment throughout this R. And if I was a "sane together woman" ( which i dont feel like i am now...) I would say to myself " let it be... walk away from it for a little while and let the thought sink in with him...if it is meant to be... a little more time won't change anything ..."

But here is the issue, for me Lily... I feel like I have spent the last 25 years in the wrong relationships and never truly felt what love felt like - and now, I am thinking I dont want to waste anymore time. I worry that he will find someone since they are closer and maybe closer to his age.. I dont know.

As for leaving the H - I know.. it is the rotten answer... I was leaving for the SG - and the chance at happiness WITH someone. After being seperated for 4 years.. I don't really want to be ALONE anymore. I want to share ME with someone... and in the BIGGER scheme of things.. the M is not unbearable - only uncomfortably suffocating. I have changed so much since the H and I married 8 years ago, that he is not the person that can/will make me happy. On the other hand, I am finishing schooling and working on getting MY finances in order so that when I do make the move to leave, I will be able to make the $ I need to live comfortably and happily with or without a man. I am about 11 months away from finishing schooling, and about a year away from financial success -so to speak.

Let's just say that right now, the work I do ( while I have been in school) is the kind that gives me LOTS of compliments - however shallow - from many man...lol... I won't say more - other than makeup and lighting makes a big difference how others can see the outside of a person. For the first time in many years with the SG, I used to feel accepted to be *ME* without makeup, sexy clothing and correct lighting :)

Thanks Lily, you are right, I have a lot to think about .... thanks

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 10:11am
Well... isnt that a nice response... for the record .. I DO have a backbone and a life... Maybe someday YOU will get some compassion. Who are YOU to judge ME? If your life is so perfect why are you on this board anyhow?? I dont think there is room here for ANYONE - even those as perfect as YOU to judge.

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 10:57am
What makes you think that compassion is a hallmark of all posters on this board? Just because posters can sugarcoat their words it doesn't mean they are caring. Have you seen the others in action outside of this board? For the record, I am compassionate than you think... How compassionate are YOU? I never said my life is perfect, you just assumed it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 12:23pm
Hi Chloe,

A couple more thoughts.

If you are already on a plan and a path to leave H and create your own life, then focus on that. Because you are right: if things are going to work out with OM, then he has to want them to as well as you. I would make it clear to him that this is your plan, this is your timeline, and here's what you want/need. THEN I would take a step back, focus on the plan, and give OM time to decide if he's stepping up to the plate or not.

Keep in mind that the fantasy of you leaving and being with OM is very different from the reality... from his perspective, too. Maybe he never really thought you would leave H, which is why he went merrily on his way with his "own" SG life. Now that you're making it reality, he has to adjust his thinking and see what he really wants to do about it.

Don't underestimate your appeal. If SG found you attractive, sexy and wonderful as "just you", and it lasted for two years, you have no reason to believe he is the only guy out there who will fit the bill... your bill. In fact, I am willing to be if you spent a little more time focusing on just Chloe, and her life, you'd have a better chance of meeting someone who fits well into it -- rather than chasing a love that you want and then molding yourself and your life to fit THAT. I think that's what makes most people unhappy in love.

Take time... lots of it. And move forward knowing that once you have communicated clearly, there's nothing more you can do. And if OM decides this is NOT his ballgame... too bad for him. There are plenty of other players out there who'd love to join the game. ENJOY yourself, Chloe. The love part only comes when you're completely at ease with yourself. Know matter how well you think you know yourself now, IMHO it's clear from your posts that you *aren't* all that clear or comfortable with who you are yet.

take care,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 12:35pm
quote:

"I never said my life is perfect, you just assumed it."

Hmmmmm ... like you assumed I have no backbone or no life...

There are many posts on this board that are not sugar coated.. but still get the message across with respect for the other persons' feelings and mental state.