Ups and downs, confused all around

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2011
Ups and downs, confused all around
Thu, 10-18-2012 - 9:12am

In case you didn't read my first post that explained the situation, we're both M, I have small kids and his are pretty much grown.

So AP had me believing that he was really into me.  Then he wanted to take things slow.  Then he couldn't stand slow.  Then we were great.  Then he ended it abruptly.  About 6 hours later he was telling me he couldn't end it, that ending it was killing him and he just can't let me go.  I saw him yesterday and he says that we both have lives we have to tend to (duh) and maybe our meetings need to be a rare occurance.  Ok.  He also told me I'm his drug and he's completely addicted.  Junkies don't want rare 'fixes'.  I jokingly asked 'so tonight would be too soon?' to lighten the mood.  NC last night or today yet, which I don't expect or particularly want any at all today.  We've been setting up rules, I only text him during the day if there is something I need to relay to him.  He contacts me in the evening if he's going to.  I can usually get away with texting him, he has a harder time, so he has to wait for a good chance.

Idk.  I know I need to end it.  Besides just being in an A, which I never thought I'd do, it's not even fun.  There's far more pain than anything else.  But, the high I feel when I'm with it seems worth it.  I'm not willing to give that up, yet.  We talked a lot yesterday when we met up.  It was so nice just to sit there and talk to him.  I'm afraid I was a neurotic mess because it was just the day before yesterday that he had ended it.  Not too bad, but I admitted I was nervous, and I think I let that show too much.  I'd love to be the stoic type, but I've never been able to pull that off.  So today I work towards just being the type that can back up a bit, I refuse to contact him at all today.  And that's what I'll deal with...just today.