Urge to scope out the W?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Urge to scope out the W?
17
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 10:28am
I was wondering if there is anybody who has researched the w or scoped her out anywhere. I recently started getting really curious about her and am trying to find a way to stop the urge. Anyone run into the same desire?

This message board can be full of criticism so if you want to email me with your story please do so.

Hope everyone is doing well today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:23am
I can understand the impulse. I didn't have to scope her out because I already knew her, so my advice would be this: don't bother.

The reason is, appearances may or may not have anything to do with what she is like. Most people would consider me to be prettier than OM's wife, but what difference does it make? He loves her and is in love with her, and he loves me and is in love with me. He would love her *or* me if either one of us had a disfiguring accident or became horribly ill. Our appearances may have to do with initial attraction, but in the two years I've known OM, he's gone from calling me "cute" and "pretty" to "beautiful" - and since I have only gotten older, I can only assume he thinks I'm beautiful because he's in love with me. I can only assume he also thinks his wife is beautiful. See what I mean?

BTW, when I had a brief affair with an MM about 15 years ago, his wife was GORGEOUS. Obviously that didn't stop him from straying - he had already had one affair and clearly was tempted to initiate others before he ever met me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 2:25pm
hi silver. i don't have to "scope" out his W -- she's a friend of mine!

MM and i started out as friends, with his W and my BF, of course. it was through my conversations with his W (over a two-year period) that i found out their sex life was non-existent. and mine was pretty much non-existent as well (BF's drinking problem). eventually MM and i started talking/kidding each other about the situation. one thing led to another, and MM got serious one day and asked me if i was interested. i said i was, he called one evening, i bolted out of the house, spent 3 hours with MM and the rest is history, as they say. been 3+ years now and A going strong and still friends all around.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 10:22pm
I'll admit I have been curious about the W. But the less I know the better. I learned that a long time ago!!



gurl,

"i bolted out of the house" I loved that...LOL

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 10:13am
charlotte -- running out to MM was one of the best three decisions of my entire life!

re: his W -- the less i know now, the better i deal with the whole situation. i try to stay in contact with her to keep up appearances, but i've discouraged any intimate talking between his W and myself. it just gets too weird.

when we had lunch last week, we were talking about computers and password phrases. i told her mine was "allaboutme" and she said hers was "t__is#1". of course it's MM's first name. i didn't want to know that!

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 2:13pm
gurl

That has got to be weird. I don't think I could actually handle knowing the W. I think it would be too emotional for me to know too much about her/them. (Guilt, jealousy, etc).

No judgments, of course!

Charlotte








Edited 10/9/2003 2:13:56 PM ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 2:42pm
I guess you never know. Most of us didn't go looking for an A, so it's kind of whatever happens, happens - if you know the W, you deal with it. For me, I enjoy knowing his wife; she is a real-life person to me, not some abstract person with characteristics I've attributed to her. She is much more complex than she would be if I merely thought of her as an unknown quality called "OM's wife." It actually makes it easier to deal with the relationship, because I know a good deal about OM's family life - there is very little in his life that is unknown to me, which in turn gives me a great comfort level and allows our lives to be more closely entwined.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 3:36pm
charlotte -- believe me, sometimes it IS very weird! she and i are not as close as we once were. i just cannot be that disengaged -- to be friends with her and have sex with her H.

last year, MM and his W moved closer to all of us and now she is geographically close to her family and very involved with them on an every-day basis.

otherwise, she and i stay in touch by telephone and sometimes lunch in the town where we both work. socially, BF and i only see them once a month. over the last 2 years or so there hasn't been as much contact between the four of us. MM and i agreed to put some distance between ourselves socially for the sake of everyone's peace of mind and wellbeing.

i don't feel jealous or guilty. MM is entitled to live his life however he wants too -- i'm the extracurricular part of it, not the main event. MM and i have agreed that we are not leaving our current Rs for a future together. but i see and hear MM doing/sayings things like "never say never" to being together in the future, or "you never know what's going to happen", those kinds of statements. also, he takes way more chances to be with me than he ever did before. like going with me to places where we very possibly could run into people who know ALL of us, and being very PDA - hand-holding, kissing arm around my shoulder. i've been thinking quite alot that it appears he may want to be "caught" and the decision will be made for him, ya know?

anyway, you take care,

gurl

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