URGENT - man needs any and all help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
URGENT - man needs any and all help!
9
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 10:15am
discussion title: URGENT! Man needs help, please

emoticon:

message #: x.1

from: tonyshep

date: 10:13 am



I'm about to be arrested or committed...please help, anyone who can read this.

I began an EMA at the beginning of July. The woman was 24, I was 42...she lived with parents. This made things tough, but it was clear we cared about each other and were in love -- it started as romantic dating, not with sex.

We talked about my getting an apartment, then she said she would get her own. After some coaxing, I convinced her to let me live there for a while, but at last miniute she said no -- then said we could only be friends, This devistated me, and for 1 and a half weeks I was in psychiatrists offices, missed work for the 1st time in 6 years, etc. She wanted no romantic relationship.

During that time I text mailed her telling her i was sick, and she replied. Next thing you know, we were back together, and when she moved into her apt. I was LIVING there half of the week or more! I culd have stayed all week. She gave me my own keys, closet space, pajamas, everything I thought would never happen. It was a miracle!

But -- my wife was hurt, and I ended up spending more time back with my wife -- making excuses to the girlfriend about why I couldn't spend the night (had to watch my kids, etc.) I tried to break it up/slow it down on Halloween, but chickened out a day later, and we were back stronger than ever! A coupe of weeks later I thgouht going back to wife was best so I left a note and her keys in girldfriends apt ending it -- but a day later I chickened out, showed up at midmnight and begged forgiveness for 2 hours until she took me back.

A week ago I only stayed with her ONE night -- said I had daughter party to attend to and other things to so, so told her I was staying in my office. This I could tell upset her, and even thoguh she said to stay at my daughters party and NOT come to see her that night I rushed out to her apt. to set things right. She said she was boithered by my constantly "rushing t see her" at the hint of a big probolem -- I expained I loved her and wanted to nip these things in the bud, but I suggested if this and other tings (fear of her dealing with my kids, etc) were bothering her, maybe we should split.

After thanksgiving we picked up the conversation and she said she wanted to split, I quickly agreed, but guess WHAT? Next day, 6 am, I showed up at apt usinga spare set of keys i didnt tell her about and tried to reconcile. She was livid that i didnt tell her/return spare set of keys, *(she asked if I had one anbd I said no, but claimed I misuberstood what she said) she says its over.

What should I do? Go through the roller coasr again? I tried to break it 3 times -- or was that just guilt over leaving wife? Should I try to win her back ?? I feel like dying today and I dont know why!!!! Please offer some help!!!! SHuld I try to win her back????

If ou can talk one phone I would like to try that -- I have NO one to talk to about this!



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 10:29am
deleted


Edited 3/10/2004 4:51 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 11:41am
I have to agree with geek chick. You may want to seek a professional to talk to. You need to sort out your feelings and decide what you want. You will also have to consider what the OW wants. At the age of 24, is she willing to be the OW or does she want to be your W?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 12:20pm
i agree with the other responses, you need to catch your breath and give some deep thought to whats in the best interest to all involved....if you feel your marriage is irrepairable than i feel its best to move out on your own and not jump into a living arrangement with a young woman you have known less than 6 months!...you also have to consider your OW's life, are you prepared to offer her the life she deserves (as in, does she want to get married and have a family of her own?)....i am a bit suspicious of couples who pledge their love mere months (weeks) after dating and wonder if its more infatuation than true love so fast...try to consider that you are effecting lives and its unfair to your wife, your children, and your OW for you to selfishly throw all caution to the wind just to indulge what may be infatuation...your wife deserves a complete husband, your children deserve a mature and thoughtful dad, your young OW deserves a man who can offer her all the fulfillment she desires...

best to you, i hope you do seek some mental health and get your head straightened out.

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 12:34pm
deleted


Edited 3/10/2004 4:51 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 12:43pm
tonyshep,

I could be wrong, but one of the reasons of having an affair is to fulfill needs that aren't being met at home. They may be sex, emotional, support or whatever. In this case, it doesn't appear you are getting any of that. As such, why continue the relationship? True you do have feelings for this girl, but you also have a responsibilty for your children. A responsibilty that is the ultimate and one that you cannot just shrug off.

The only thing worse than one woman who is mad at you is two!! I catch enough BS from the one I'm married to. I can't imagine getting it from both sides. No wonder you're on the edge. Don't do anything half-baked. That's how lives are destroyed.

Didn't you date in your younger years and get dumped? We've all been through that. Stevie Nicks said it best: "Is it over now, do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 7:12pm
First I want to say... try to calm down. You need to decide what YOU want to do. You can not keep running back and forth between your W and the OW like this. Your OW will not stay on this rollercoaster forever, and you need to be honest with her, no more lies or you will lose her.If you decide to end the A. you owe it to your OW to talk to her in person, not in a note. If you decide to leave your marriage it has to be because thats what you want to do, but I think you need to get your own place, moving in with your Ow while you are not sure what you want will cause an end to your R. with her. Good luck in whatever decisions you make.

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 7:40pm
It seems pretty clear that the girlfriend isn't willing to put the kind of commitment into the relationship that you would have to. If you are thinking of leaving your marriage for her, you need to know she'll be there for you and it seems like she's a little shaky. If you're happy enough with your wife to stay with her, I think she may be better for you in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 1:57am
For God's sake man grow up and act your age! You're 42 not 22! Stop jerking both your wife and this other woman around. The only person you're interested in or care about is yourself. You bold-faced LIED to this woman when she asked you if you had a spare set of keys and then you had the aducaity to let yourself into HER apartment with the spare set of keys you told her you didn't have. I'd say you're damned lucky she didn't have you arrested. Leave her alone and let her get on with her life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 10:04am
Agree with Cheshire. Tony, looks like your g/f doesn't want you in her life anymore. You must respect her wishes and leave her alone. You need to spend time on yourself and think about what it is that exactly you what from life. You sound so confused from your posts. Take time to think and if you want to work on your marriage do it or if not get out of it. Good Luck!