URGENT - Need Smart Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
URGENT - Need Smart Advice
5
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 12:38pm

I'm married 20 yrs, 2 kids and have been involved in a long distance emotional/physical affair going on over 2 years now - it started out online/emotional and after 9 mos progressed to a face to face meeting and in the last 6 months has intensified with more meetings even though we are 1000 miles apart. He too is married, with 3 kids and a wife of 18 plus years.

He is claiming he is ready to leave his wife - he knows he loves me and wants a future together...and that he will have "the talk" with her at the end of the month. He arrives here this week for another hotel rendevous.

I know men will say anything to have sex...I also know we love eachother and have a deep emotional connection...but all of this is starting to just get to me...are these just "words", will he "act", and am I ready to do the same a few months down the road and create the biggest upheaval of my life for my AP?

I tell him I am. I feel I am. Yet I am guarded and smart realizing the risks involved and the realities of everything. Do I want to have sex with him and play all day in a hotel room, YES...do I feel good about it? NO. Will I do it...probably, because "your love, your love, your love is my drug"...here's the thing...I want to play this smart and to be REAL. I'm tired of this circle of love...never advancing or changing...I want more for myself, I want to be truly happy...I'm scared of being hurt and of trusting him but I have felt it was worth the risk.

What do I say to him? How to I play this next meeting? And, there is a part of me that realizes this may be the last meeting if he can't make those changes. I'm done being an AP and a long distance booty call...its too dang hard.

I love him, but I love myself more and I want to be a good person again.

Any advice? Any thoughts? It's hard. I don't want to get played. I want to be REAL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 4:02pm

In this kind of case especially, actions speak louder than words.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 4:11pm

Even if he does make those changes, will you ever feel OK that he made chose changes for you, and vice versa, if it gets there? Or, do you see a future, where the Ds on both sides are done w/ minimal consideration of the A, where you both stayed single for a while and then got back together from there.. or, do you see the A as the main cause of the D's and does that not sit well with you? Not judging here mind you, just pondering with you.

If you read about affair fog here and elsewhere, it sounds like the fog is slowly lifting for you, as you are starting to ask for what is real. And that is a good thing. Therefore, another question you may ponder is "what if you told him everthing you just asked here, verbatim?".. what would happen then?

Whether you are played or not isn't as important as that you love yourself more and you want to do the right thing. Do what's right on your own terms, not his, all the while keeping him online and informed. Then, his intentions, whatever they may be, do not become part of the choice you see yourself wanting to make.

You are both quite far away from a "happy ending" you've both dreamed about. But the path to get there may mean ending the A for a while as you sort through your lives on your own. Will you be able to do that?

As an A gets to the stage where you are at, tough questions like this come up, that's the nature of your situation. So, find some answers for yourself first, and then see what his reaction to those answers are.

Good luck..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 4:15pm

Wow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 7:03pm

ok so he says he is willing to leave his partner & you too are ready to dump your husband for him ?
If you are sure you already understand all the drastic changes you life will go through & can handle that , then go ahead .

best of lucks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 8:42am
I just wanted to give you support, and let you know I feel like I'm in a similar place. The pain is bad, I know it is. The thought that comforts me the most is that no matter what, there is no "wrong" choice. Whatever happens happens, and will be for the best, as long as you believe that for yourself. Best of luck to you.