urgently need some advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2008
urgently need some advise
7
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 9:39am
Hi everyone, I really need some advise, i'm a little bit freaked out. My AP and I have been talking lately about leaving our marriages to be with each other. At first we said that it wouldn't be for a while as there was alot of stuff to sort through and I have children that I need to think about here. The past few days things have gotten really intense. He is now saying he'd like us to leave within the next six to ten months.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 2:20pm

I'm confused --

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 2:33pm

You asked if this was normal behavior and I would have to say it's typical.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2008
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 9:19am

Yes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 12:38pm

Hi heismyeverything. I just wanted to say I am here for you and would love to help support you. Our stories are very similar and it sounds like I am about 2 steps ahead of you in this journey so I'd be happy to give some love and support if you need it.

Just like you, I am in an unhappy M, good guy, great father, I just can't be married to him. Our issues started a few years ago and I have had 3 A's since then. First one was me just having fun and feeling great that a younger guy was attracted to me, second one was just friends w/benefits and no feelings, but the 3rd one rocked my world. I fell in love - head over heels kind of love. We have been in an A since May '09. I have since decided to leave my M and the AP has given me the push, but I have checked out of my M a long time ago, we've been to counselling and the whole nine yards, didn't work. My AP was a result of my failed M not the cause and I am at peace with it. We have not had a D-Day.

I have just bought my own place and just moved out and we are selling our house. H is staying in until we sell it. We have 2 kids 8 & 5 and they are taking it unbelievably well. It's strange but it's like not affecting them (at least yet), they are my rock. AP is still at home with his W but they are too working on getting their house on the market and a lot of progress has been made. He said in email yesterday that we have a lot to talk about that a lot happened in his world this weekend. I am waiting patiently for details. We are very close to being together, a real couple and I could never be happier. The kids are strong, lots of kids go through this and survive just fine. If you are strong, they will be strong too.

Obviously, if there is any chance of saving your M, please go that route, the route I took is not the best or easiest. BUT do not stay married for the kids, they will notice as mine did. Best of luck in your endeavors and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 1:23pm
Its a gamble-- you might win a jackpot or lose everything !
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2008
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 9:45am

Hello Icandoit, thank you very much for sharing some of your story with me. YES! i would love some love and support I need so badly to have someone who is in a similar situation to talk with and bounce ideas off and hear how they are coping etc. So thank you!


I'm feeling so torn on one hand I don't want to break up my family, dh and I do get along very well as friends and we are so on the same page when it comes to our children and how we want to raise them. We support each other through everything and have been through so much. We have been together more than half our lives and when I think about not seeing him everyday or having him to talk to when im down it makes me stomach turn. Unfortunately there are some things missing big things like intimacy. We have sex occassionally but it's more mechanical than anything, just going through the motions. No passion, no emotion, no kissing. It's just like im there doing it to satisfy his needs. I don't desire him in that way anymore. I do find him attractive im just not sexually into him anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 12:58pm

there is nothing typical about an A in any sense, form, or situation and each one has its' own dynamic.


the guilt and pain that you are possibly going to hand out to your spouse and children is GREAT!!!!


it is admirable that your AP wants to be together but you should really stand your ground and stay with your family. they come first and foremost, your children need you and unless you are in an abusive relationship, your family and that dynamic come first, too.


you need to tell your AP that you can not guarantee that you and spouse will never have S** again, but you can confirm that it is far and few between (very much like my situation). any one in an affair has to recognize that no

when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal