Utterly in despair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Utterly in despair.
4
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 9:37pm

Hi all. I need words of wisdom from you guys...I've been lurking for a while and finally gave the guts to admit that: I am having an affair. I realize no one can tell me what to do with my life, but I am open to any suggestions, advice and even reprimands :)


My BF and I have been together for 7 months now. I met him online, as I was still healing from my ex's breakup with me. My ex and I work together, so we have been and are in constant touch. Even though it was a breakup, the feelings never ended. The long and short of it is, my ex's first and only girlfriend before me showed up and he broke up with me because he thought he had feelings for her. It was brutally honest how he did it, and brutally painful. I truly believe it when he tells me nothing ever came of it, and that he has reconciled everything in his mind.


Now back to the current BF. He was prince charming, fast and furious. A dream of a man. After four months he asked me to go to Europe to meet his family and and asked me to move in with him when we got back. I couldn't, and I explained why. And it seems that's really when it all started to go downhill. I found out he was sleeping in the same bed with a female houseguest of his for two weeks, even though he and I (by his own initiation) had discussed sleeping arrangements prior to her arrival. Things betwen he and

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 1:04pm

It's sounds as if there are risk w/ either choice you make. If I read your post correctly the current b/f sounds like he might be up to no good. The whole "Oh I thought I canceled the account" thing is pretty transparent. The fact that he still perusing the same site that you two met on is a major red flag to me, and then he lied when you called him on it. Definitely not putting his best foot forward. If you love him, but are still Madly in love w/ the xb/f, then based on what you have said I would go for the ex. He's young, he saw his first love again after how many years, and fell into temporary fantasy land, but he now knows that there is no such place, and hopefully he learned his lesson, and won't stray again. Only time will tell.

But the new b/f, he's not even out of the gate yet, and is already showing signs of straying. In MHO he smells like trouble. I can see how your xb/f got caught up in the moment, and his behavior is indicative of being generally sorry. He the guy to go for if you really love him. Oh BTW being different isn't a bad thing, it's just different. If you really love him you can get over that. Now as far as him being unambitious that's a big one. How old is he? And What does he do for a living, and is he still in school (college?) Does he still live w/ mom and dad? I am not trying to be all up in your biznazz, but it helps to give better advise if you know the specifics..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 1:07pm

Regarding current BF, if he thinks it is ok to be sleeping with a houseguest for two weeks that's a little too Euro for me...I realize we're much more conservative here, but geez...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 2:20pm

Thanks so much for your reply. Here are some answers to your questions you were kind enough to ask:


"Now as far as him being unambitious that's a big one. How old is he? And What does he do for a living, and is he still in school (college?) Does he still live w/ mom and dad? I am not trying to be all up in your biznazz, but it helps to give better advise if you know the specifics."


He's my age, 33. He works for a major tv network, in production. It is a steady job with a good income, but he's just not sure what he wants to do in life. This isn't a career for him, it's just a job. He has never been unemployed, and lives alone in a large city. He's very reliable and dependable and an extremely hard worker, just doesn't have that "drive" that most men have for financial responsibility--or at the very least, he isn't motivated by money. Having said that, he does take care of me emotionally--at least he has since the redemption plans began!


As for my BF, the internet thing did/does sounds fishy...sometimes I am too keen to see the good in people. I honestly thought he made a mistake while trying to cancel his account. It can be tough--it took me a while to figure it out. Granted, had I continued to keep getting matched I'd have been annoyed and called them right away.


Thanks again for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Fri, 12-19-2008 - 4:05am

You know them both better than me, but I would definitely go for xb/f. When you said he was unambitious I thought you meant that he lives in his mom's basement, and was about 30 yrs. old, and smokes weed all day. He doesn't sound like he is doing so bad. Shoot it could be worst, trust me BTDT. At least he is pulling his own.

And addressing the internet thing. If he thought he canceled it, then why would he try to access the site? According to his own word the account was canceled, but he was still trying to use the site. Which one is it? Did you cancel the account ,or did you keep it so that you can surf the net for chics? Some thing's not right there. I would get to the bottom of it, I just hope if you find something you don't like you the strength to act on it because those are the two worst traits in a man cheating and lying. Those are definitely deal breakers.

Good luck Sweetie. I hope that you can get to the bottom of things, and based on what you find, you have the strength to do the right thing for YOU! Keep us posted, and we are here when you need us.