Vacation together, then the bomb drops...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Vacation together, then the bomb drops...
11
Tue, 12-17-2013 - 12:47pm

Hi all-  well, after a beautiful and loving week in Hawaii, I get back home and AP tells me yesterday that all intimacy needs to stop between us, that he needs to recommit to marriage, etc.   Feels like I've been hit by a 18 wheel truck.   I laid on my couch and cried all day and most of teh night yesterday- no explanation for my boyfriend.   I just couldn't move.

I'm dealing and I know I'll slowly heal.  But right now things feel sideways.   I am toying with telling my BF everything that happened in the last 9 months, th ough I know by doing that, I risk that relationship.  I just want to move on in full daylight, with full truth.  Also thinking AP's wife needs to know, because yes, their marriage was complicit in this also.   I'm a real person, and I was really affected by this.  Not her fault, directly, but she was involved, indirectly.

Do any of you have thoughts on telling the full truth?  Is it good or bad idea?  I'm going to wait until I'm less emotionally shakey to make up my mind (after the holidays), but I'd sure appreicate input.

Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-17-2013 - 1:57pm

I think if you were having a long term affair and you want to re-commit to your BF and make that relationship work then you should consider telling him--I say consider, I don't know all the circumstances, but if you feel that you need to be honest with him and that it will help you talk about what led you to have an affair, then it might have a positive outcome.  You should also be prepared for him to walk away and not want to deal with you any more.

As far as telling your AP's wife, I'd say mind your business.  His marriage is none of your business although you inserted yourself into it.  When you say it's not "directly" her fault, are you really blaming her for her DH having an affair?  Maybe there were some problems with the marriage, but the way for him to deal with it was not by him having an affair.  The only reason for you telling her is to get revenge on him and it's not really fair to hurt an innocent party to do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 12-17-2013 - 3:24pm
Thank you for your comment. I do agree that I need to consider coming clean with my BF as a means of really being able to work on that relationship and heal. I'm going to take a couple of weeks to feel centered before I make that decision. As to telling APs wife--- when I say its not "directly" her fault, I say that because in that marriage there was openness. Its not her fault that her husband went too far in his relationship with me, or that maybe he even mislead me outside the bounds of that openness that was allowed. But I want *both* of them to understand that there are other human beings invovled with this openness, and those others can be hurt by that. That's it really. I guess it was my choice to take the risk.....so its up to me to simply deal with it, huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2013
Tue, 12-17-2013 - 6:21pm

I agree with the above poster. My only other comment would be to be careful if you decide to tell your bf. Make sure he has no ties to the others involved. My H had past ties to my APs gf and he told her everything. I was keeping my mouth shut cause I thought it was his place to tell her and no one else's.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 12-17-2013 - 11:26pm

I suspect that it wouldn't not have been so pressing an issue to tell his wife had he not ended it. Now that he has done so, you feel compelled to do so for everyone's good?  It's not your place...PERIOD. 

You want to spill your beans, fine.  Maybe he will spill his beans in his own time and in his own way...just as you would want to do should you decide to do so.  You wouldn't want him butting into your business and blindsiding your b/f to rat you out.

I think it would be just wrong for you to interfere.  I'm glad you are waiting to settle down.  Right now you are hurt and want to lash out...no matter how you justify it.

Clarity

 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 12:17am
It sounds like you just want some revenge now and I agree with the others,stay out of his relationship with his wife.If I remember right it was you a few post earlier taking about how you were thinking of ended it and just going on th vacation by yourself.If you would have ended it would he have called your boyfriend ,I don't think so,so let him and his wife go.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 1:23am

 Keep your mouth shut.  It is unfair to burden any other people with your secret.  When you embark on the fun side you have to take the responsibility for it to always be secret.  After all that was part of the excitement.  If you need to talk see a counselor.

dragowoman

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 10:25am

I agree with the others... Don't say anything to his wife!  That is his place if he opts to do so. 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 2:51pm

Thank you all for taking the time to comment.  Seems the overwhelming sentiment is to NOT inform either my BF or his wife.   I will take time for things to center again- weeks, maybe months, then decide what the best course of action.   I appreciate all the strong input.

Not sure what I'll do right now.  I"m not quite sure how much openness is needed for the best healing process all around- time and centeredness will tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2009
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 3:36pm

If your only reason for telling you bf about the affair is so you can clear your conscience then don't do it, it's not fair to inflict hurt on another person to assuage your guilt, I know I've had it done to me! And as for telling AP's wife about the affair, the only reason to do that IMO is revenge and again it's not fair to cause hurt to satisfy your need as well as their marriage being none of your business. Tough words I know, and they aren't meant to hurt you, just prevent you hurting others unecessarily. 

Kat xx

katuk
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 7:47pm

I don't know who said it, but 'they' know who they are :) "If you don't know what to do, do nothing."  I'm glad you are going to give it time.  Time and distance out have a way of allowing us to regain our footing and to see with clarity.  

We played with fire and got burned, but it is not up to us to orchestrate everyone else's healing...only ours.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

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