On the verge...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
On the verge...
5
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 9:37am
I've gotten myself into quite a mess somehow and I don't know if I'm strong enough to pull myself out. First the background. I've been married for nine years to a wonderful man who is 100% there for me. He's sweet, loving, generous, and will be a perfect father someday. But the passion hasn't been there for a while. I'm happy...I just miss those early days of being so in love we couldn't get enough of each other. I know -- we all miss that -- but I didn't realize how much I missed it until I started having it again with another man.

OM is a guy I've worked with for almost two years. We both lost around 70-80 pounds around the same time. We bonded over our weight loss success but I was never really attracted to him. He's an alright-looking guy, just not that great. But about four months ago, I walked into OM's cubicle just to say 'hi' and he looked at me like he'd never seen such a beautiful sight in his life. I'd changed my hair and was dressing a little differently, and this was the first time he'd seen me like that. All of a sudden he couldn't seem to get enough of me. He came on very strong right from the start, pulling me in with romantic words and by looking at me like he was so madly in love with me he couldn't stand it. I should say, this guy is married...also for nine years. He has a young daughter (I have no children). At first I resisted giving into his flirtation, but it was so tempting. It had been so long since anyone had paid me that kind of attention, I found myself addicted to it. He tried to fight it, said he was going to stop coming to see me, but in those early days he always came back.

Flash forward to now. The flirtation went over the line about three weeks ago when we kissed. I have to say, it was a pretty powerful kiss, but I don't know anymore... It's weird, but when he's seeing me every day and saying those romantic things, it's like he gets a hold on me. Like I'm under some sort of spell. But then, the inevitable happens. Guilt sets in and he pulls away. He doesn't call when he's supposed to -- he's suddenly too busy to come see me. This is all within the context of work, remember. We never see each other outside and there's no way I would. I'm just not ready to take it to that level. I'm really fine with not kissing anymore, actually, until I get my head on straight. He's been pulling away from me for a couple of weeks now -- when we do see each other, he just treats me like a friend. The looks are gone. He's putting on a show for everyone we work with because he's sure people are starting to catch on. That's fine, but over the weekend I actually felt fine for the first time in a long time. I felt like I'd almost gotten back to my old life -- where I was kind of content with everything around me. I even started thinking about starting a family again, even though I know I need a little more mental clarity before I make that move. So yesterday, I told him my feelings for him are starting to change. It wasn't a lie -- once he pulls away like this, I am able to get some perspective and I realize this is a very crazy thing we're doing. He said his feelings for me haven't changed at all, he's just scared. Am I crazy for thinking that if he doesn't SHOW his feelings, they may as well not exist? I usually call him first thing in the morning, but I didn't call today. He didn't call either. I don't know if this means it's over or what... Part of me feels like letting this die a natural death would be a good thing, but the other part of me knows I'm just playing games. Giving him less of a reason to be afraid. And then I feel guilty for that too.

I guess my question is, is all this normal? I know back when I was single and dating, every guy I dated did something similar to this. They'd be fine for a while, then they'd have to pull away, then eventually they'd come back again. I guess the fact that he is scared and feeling a lot of guilt over this is a good thing. I just don't think I have the patience for an affair. But how do you find the strength to call it off once you've fallen in love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 1:27pm
Sad to say, *some* men do this hot & cold routine. It's juvenile, period - it is not some natural condition of men that we should expect from them. He is trying to add some excitement to his life, but when it becomes inconvenient or something bigger comes up, he knows he's got to drop the flirtation and attend to other things. Is that worth risking your marriage and your happiness?

If the looks he gave you such a short time ago have already disappeared, why would you want it to go further? There's a difference between being in love and being infatuated (and remember, the root word for "infatuate" means "stupid" - i.e. "infatuated" means "instupidated"). I was infatuated with a MM about 15 years ago when I was still single - loved the looks he gave me, the desire emanating from him. But when push came to shove, guess who got shoved aside?

Neither my OM nor my DH ever did the "I liked you yesterday but don't have time for you today" crap. When they were sure they wanted me, they said so, and they didn't take it back. When they were sure they loved me, they said so. That's what all of us deserve to receive, and should be prepared to give.

Just my .02 - cut it loose before it goes further and work on figuring out why you need this excitement in your life, and how to get it elsewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 1:57pm
Of course, it's easy to look at another person's relationship and tell them to get out. I thought this was a place where I wouldn't be judged -- aren't we all in a situation that's bad for us and that we really should get out of? Each man is different, but this A, even though we haven't slept together yet, is really taking its toll on this guy. He has a daughter, for heaven's sake, and the thought of losing her in a divorce is killing him. As time goes on and our feelings intensify, he gets scared more often, but interestingly, he seems less able to push me away. We still will see each other, but just not as often. It's those days when he's not able to get enough of me that make me fall more deeply for him. I do have more presence of mind on days like this. And I've tried to let him go, but it's just not that easy. He's awoken a part of me that I didn't even know existed until now. I've gone through life just doing what everyone expected me to. I never wanted to be in this situation, but now that I am, how can I just let go and not see where it's headed? How can I live the rest of my life not knowing what would have happened? I would think if he were the type of guy who could just kiss me or even sleep with me and not feel a single shred of guilt, that that would be the guy I needed to stay away from. He's fighting his feelings for me. Isn't that a good thing? And I really do think I'm falling in love with him. How do I just ignore that and go back to my other life?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 2:04pm
Listen to the advice shouldi2002 gave you. I wish I would have listened to the advice given to me 6 months ago when I was in the same situation. I remember it exactly. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, this will only be an emotional roller-coaster ride. In 6 months, you will not be in an A with this man. They were all correct. If I would have ended it at the very beginning when his mood started changing daily, I would have saved myself the worst 6 months of my life. I have a great H. He never goes hot and then cold daily with me, does yours? If not, hold onto him and give him the attention you are giving OM. PLEASE, do yourself a big favor! The temporary attention from the OM is not worth it! PJ
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:17pm
Lilah iv,word of advice don't go no farther with om.It is not worth the guilt or hurt you will go through.I've been through it and regret it dearly.if you have a good h then rekindle your feelings,love,and passion with him.I think you'll feel much better.Don't get me wrong it takes time but it will pay off in the end.Good men are hard to find so if you have one hang on to him.I thought about how I would feel if my h was cheating on me and I realized I would not like it one bit.That made me feel even worse since I have cheated on my h but the truth does hurt.My situation with my a just ended recently and I feel so much closer to my h already because I have put my mind and my focus on working on my m.I still work with om but those feelings for him are basically gone and we are still friends.Just be strong and think of all the good in your h and all the negative in om that way you'll think twice about wanting om.It worked for me anyway.Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 4:26pm
That's *not* what you said in your first post. What you said then was, "I've gotten myself into quite a mess somehow and I don't know if I'm strong enough to pull myself out." And you asked at the end, "How do you find the strength to call it off?" I gave you some reasons - that someone who is already blowing hot and cold, and started doing so out of the blue (one day he just looked at you that way), is not the man you should be letting yourself fall for. It IS possible for the head to retain control of the heart.

Take it a few steps further. Let's say you let it take its course and things get hotter. Are you ready to deal with him cooling off and feeling guilty when you've already put your job and marriage at risk? And if you think you're not putting your job and/or career at risk, ask yourself, if people are starting to suspect already, don't you think they'll see it even more clearly as it progresses? What about if you start taking little risks that don't seem like risks at the time, and his wife starts to suspect? Or worse, your "sweet, loving, generous" husband starts to suspect?

When I had the opportunity to get out of this affair - when it was still just one night of kisses and a few weeks of friendly conversation (there were several weeks between the first kisses and the second kiss) - I scoured this board, the Ending an Affair board, and even the Betrayed Spouses board, looking for stories that would seem similar to mine. In the past two years, I have met only one person with a similar situation (happy and in love with her DH and happy and in love with her OM as well). The rest sound, well, a lot more like yours. I also can't tell you how many people who once were so crazy in love have come back onto this board after getting found out or otherwise ending their marriages and said how they are so sorry they did this to their husbands.

I have never been one for rah-rah, you-go-girl posts on this board. I think most affairs are bad ideas, and I stick by that opinion. My DH and I already have discussed that having an affair would not be the end of our marriage. There is too much love, passion, and history (and too many children!) for that to happen. Yes, there would be hurt, but I do not believe my marriage would end. At the same time, OM and I do our best to minimize the risks of any possible damage to either our marriages or our company. BTW, neither of us feels a shred of guilt over being able to love more than one person.

Pointing out possibilities is not "judging," it's being realistic.