On The Verge of a Big Decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
On The Verge of a Big Decision
9
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:01pm
Hello Everyone,

I am 30 years old, and have been married for 8 years. I married my high school sweetheart, so at this point have spent half of my life with him. We do not have any children.

Three years ago, I began an affair, and it began as most affairs do. There were the elements of excitement that you experience, that draws you to do these things.

Over time this thing that began as an affair has developed into a relationship that I cherish. This has been terrifying for both myself and the person I am involved with. He is single and of course, didn't plan for this type of relationship, and neither one of us planned to fall in love. However, I have stumbled upon one of the most kind, loving and generous people I have ever met, and want nothing more to spend my life with someone like this. Although it has been a long time coming, we are in full agreement about our feelings for each other.

I guess the bottom line is that I am seriously considering divorce in the near future, but am frightened by the statistics that relationships that evolve from affairs have even a higher failure rate than "typical" relationships. And I am most fearful of REGRET.

I would welcome any thoughts or would like to hear the outcomes any of you have experienced from making or not making a similar choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:11pm
hi littleone and welcome to the board!

i don't have any experience with moving forward from my present R to being with my OM on a full-time basis, but i just wanted to say that you have to really think about what will make YOU happiest, staying in a M where you are not happy and fulfilled, or starting a new phase of your life by getting divorced and seeking a fuller R with OM. you've known (and grown with) OM for 3 years now. not 6 months, but 3 years. isn't that long enough to know if you want to develop that R if you were able to? i'm not saying that you should leave your H/M, get divorced and live happily ever after with OM. there must be a period of self-awareness and living single in there if you do separate. but you will live with "regret" if you do stay in a R/M that is not fulfilling and making you happy, whether OM is in the picture or not.

think about what you really and truly want from life. if your M is not what will make you happy, then you must make the decision to stay or go. but only for YOU, not because OM is there to pick up the pieces.

good luck.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:23pm
Hi Life!

Thanks for the excellent reply. If you don't mind me asking a follow-up question, I am curious to know what the factors are for you that have kept you in your relationship and prevented you from pursuing a full time relationship with the other woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:36pm
littleone - last time i looked, i was a hetrosexual woman!! haha!!

seriously though, i stay in my present R because i love my man and the A is extra, on-the-side, not primary. even though there is much love all the way around, neither of us has plans to leave our primary Rs. we're pretty happy with the status quo!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 7:47pm
little one,

I read your original post with interest, because I am considering a trial separation from H due to my EMA. I agree with you, the statistics are staggering; one source stated a 75% failure rate for Rs that originate from an affair. But I think it is like itsmylife2004 said, you leave your marriage because you are not happy, period. That has to be the only reason, not because someone else might be waiting for you.

What my short EMA has shown me is that my H is lacking in some qualities that are very important to me. Sure, I knew that when I married him 17 years ago, but I remember once hearing that the partner you choose in an EMA often has qualities that your current spouse lacks. Do you think we enter into EMAs because there is something "lacking" in our current Rs? I used to think that both MM and I were both happily married before the A, and the A just "started" to happen. Now, I think we were both dissatisfied, somewhat, in our current Rs, and that is why the A started.

Good luck,

birdiegirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:07am
Am I the only one that has difficulty deciding if I am unhappy in my marriage because of the other person in my life or if its the marriage itself. This might be my biggest struggle. I am definitely not happy living in between in what I feel is a "half-existence".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:16am
no of course you're not the only one littleone! that's why the divorce rate is too freakin' high. but you are the only one who can judge YOUR life situation/M. you will reach the point of being fed up with your half-existence life and want more, so you leave. or your H finally realizes the R is over and he leaves. but in order to control your own destiny, you have to figure out if you want to take that control back or keep handing it over to someone else (read: H and/or MM) and sit around feeling sorry for yourself.

you have to reach your own decisions about your own life. AND have the courage to carry those decisions through!

good luck honey. it's scary and a difficult path, but it does feel good to finally take back control of your own life and move forward. it really, really does.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:32am
littleone,

Your struggle between deciding if it's the other man or if it's unhappiness in your marriage IS the BIGGEST struggle there is. Entering into it for me, too, is that I feel extremely guilty to be having this A, and I feel badly that my husband is like "second choice." Because I know that if my affair mate asked me "to go," I would go. I go over and over it, in my head. You are not alone at all. It sounds like we are going through similar situations, if you want to email me, please do.

birdiegirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:48am
Littleone... Personally, I've come to the conclusion that it's not so much that we're unsatisfied in our M because of the A but that we pursued the A because we were unsatisfied in the M. I say that because I truly do believe in monogamy (in spite of the evidence to the contrary). But here we are, living two lives, with two seperate realities. It is what it is. Don't think of it as half lives... think of it as a life and a half. As much as you can, examine your M seperately from your A. Then decide what you want to do. We're all there, honey. Hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:49am
Little:

I totally understand where you're coming from on how do we decide whether you want to leave the M for the OM or because the M is not working.

For me, my H abused me for years physically/verbally and now he is changing but it's a little too late. But you know, I'm so glad that OM came into my life, because he made me realize that I didn't have to take anyone's abuse. H would abuse me then say sorry or not say sorry and continue as before and I would continue to let that happen. If it weren't for OM, I'd still be accepting H's abuse. Well no more.

Now though, I'm stuck, don't know what to do. I have 2 children and mainly stay for them and for the pity I have for H (I think). See I'm not too sure yet. I'm confused as my name says it.

Anyway, back to you. You've been in this EMA for 3 years and by now I would think that you can make a decision based on the relationship you've had with OM for that long. I know it's hard because I'm going through the same except, I've only been in my A for 5 months but I've known him for over 13 years (been friends that long). So he's not a stranger to me. Hang in there and be strong and make the decision that will make YOU happy.