VERY CONFUSED... NEED ADVICE

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2009
VERY CONFUSED... NEED ADVICE
10
Sun, 03-21-2010 - 11:24pm

I am sorry if this is long but i want everyone to get the whole picture. I began having an A a little over 2 years ago with a man whom I always felt I loved. I was with him on and off for years. I have a great H who is a great man, great provider, and great Daddy. We have been together for almost 12 years and the biggest thing I was lacking was the romance in the M it was like he did'nt see me. Didnt notice anything about me and never wanted to be with me romantically. Well hardly ever. Ok after 10 years I was tired of beggeing and pleading with him to be a H to me. I began the A and it has been a hell of a 2 yr A. He has just up and stopped talking to me and left me feeling so bad. Crying, miserable and lost without him. This went on for a yr. then ontp the second year I was out with friends and was dancing and he was VERY upset w me. Told me I cheated. I did nothing wrong. He didnt talk to me for a month. The last conv. we had he called me a whore. Anyway I missed him so much it was like a drug going through withdrawls. I was so lost. I came clean with H about the whole A. I dont think I need to say how upset he was. H knew we had a past together and that we were friends. My H threatened me that he was going to his job (he is an invest.) and I told him I would leave him if he did that. So he did'nt. He said he wanted to work things out and that he loves me so much. I then told H that I was not in love with him anymore and loved the other man. He still wanted to stay and try and make it work. Since then H has been trying so hard but my heart is not there. I began the A back up with AP and was so happy. Feeling so complete I have continued to see AP and now it's still on and off. AP told me to stay with H sid I would be perfect for him but I have kids. He wants no part of that. AP said he does not want a relationship. AP still insists that I cheated on him. I dont even look at anybody else. My love is with him. On Thurday I took the day off from work because that was the anniversry that I had an abortion with our baby. I went to the gym and tanned. That was all. He rode by my house and said he didnt see my truck so thought I was cheating again! Unbelievable! I just wanted to be alone thats all. He is always making me feel like I have done something wrong. I have changed everything about myself. I stopped going out, dyed my hair, and stopped being friends with all males. I now live in a bubble. Now AP is acting all weird I think he wants to end it but will not tell me. There is nothing I will not do for this man. There is so much more to this story but I think this is long enough. What do I do? I do know this relationship is unhealthy and making me crazy! But I love him. Can anyone please give me some advice Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 5:58am

Im so sorry that you are feeling so upset MAB. I can understand how traumatic it feels to make someone your life for them to turn on you without reasonable excuse. If you look up the term "gaslighting" on wiki, (i read it from a previous poster here) it looks as though that is what your AP may be doing. He is turning your absences into a reason to be pi$$ed at you while you dont question what he is up to. Do you know where HE is every moment of the day? Maybe he has another girl on the side so he no longer wants you. I dont want to sound harsh but he is treating you very poorly and you are eating it up with a spoon.

IMO, if you arent happy with your M, leave for your own sake but NOT for AP. True love doesnt hurt or belittle like your R with AP. I suppose it can be seen that once a cheater always (although its not true all the time) but your AP may be thinking that if you cheat on your H for him, in a long term R you could do the same on him.

He sounds like he has turned into a real a$$ and you are doing everything while he is contributing nothing but emotional abuse and scorn. If he called you a whore, why the heck arent you telling him to get lost? You are worth so much more as a woman than as someone that he abuses but knows you will still be there for him. He doesnt sound like he respects you too much anymore either.

I would read the healing library and go NC. Try the 180 where you work on your own self esteem issues and stop making AP the centre of your universe. By what you wrote here, he doesnt deserve the dirt off your shoe. Why do you need the love and acceptance of a man that calls dancing with friends cheating and calls you disgusting names? Emotional abuse is ugly and no one deserves that.

Good luck and I hope you find your peace from within.

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 11:47am

I'm mystified.


This is a man who tells you you are a whore, accuses you of cheating for no reason, says he does not want a relationship, does not want/like kids, is isolating you from your friends and activities.


THIS IS AN ABUSER.


What exactly do you love about him?


Do you think you are so unhappy in your M that attention feels like love?


Please protect yourself by going NC. I'm worried for you. Isolation and belitting are the first steps in physical abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 2:53pm
Thank You for responding to my post. I was truly hoping I could get some help here. I really have to say the way my AP treats me is just the way he is and him being a cop/Inv. He looks into things way to much. I have started to question myself and say ok what has he really done for you? NOTHING!!! I have gone above and beyond for this man and even telling him he will never ever find anyone who would be as good to him as I am. He agrees. Thats the funny thing. I have always excused his behavior and even made up excuses for him. I cant explain why I feel such a connection with this man. I agree that emotional abuse is ugly. I have called my Dr to get on something. I feel as if I have truly lost my mind. I am so paranoid about everything I do now. I know better and I have allowed myself to get so involved and always worried that I would lose this man because I am so in love with him. I have to get my life back. You asked me what I Love about this man... I love being with him when its just the two of us. We always text every day. I really dont understand. As far as the kids go he has 2 of his own. He said he is not playin Daddy to anyone else. I have explained that my children have a father. I am not looking for that. I feel like I am missing things from the M that he fills. I did go to a therapist after he called me a whore and felt like it was going nowhere. It was just me doing all the talking and I can do that with friends. Why pay big money when you dont feel like its helping. I dont want anyone thinking AP has told me to change who I am It has been all me because I am afraid of loosing him. Am I a lost case? I am a very independent woman who works full time and asks nobody for nothing and here I am lost. How did it get so bad? How do I get out of it? Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 4:08pm


Really?? You sound pretty dependent on AP for validation?/love?/acceptance?/sense of self worth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 8:19pm

You are not in love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2009
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 8:42am

first I would like to respond to alwayst. I am very dependent on AP for validation, love, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 10:48am

(((mab73)))


Been there, done that!!


I think one of the hardest parts of ending an A is the withdrawl from the "high" that xap gives us. The validation is so important to us. But no one can "give" us validation. It has to come from your own soul. Which means we are then forced to look

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 12:46pm

Glad to hear you have a better perspective.. if you are listening, here is what you MUST do.. before books, before therapy, before anything.. he has to cease to exist in your life.. no texts, no comms, no phone calls, no meetings, no last time let me get closures, no let me tell you where i am at this point in my lifes..nothing.. he must be dead to you... you are the only person who can do this.. unless you make the effort to cut him out of your life forever and completely, you will NEVER get the answers you seek because he will always be in the way.. cut everything off now and move on.. then you can seek some answers.. otherwise, you are wasting your time..

--

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 12:22pm

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Affairs are very destructive things....both self-destructive and otherwise. I know, because I've been there. But I am also here to tell you that there IS life on the other side. And, believe me, there is going to come a day where, despite all the "love" you think you have for him, you will look back and say, "what the hell was I thinking?".

I'll let you in on a little secret, by the way. Cops are NOTORIOUS cheaters and players. Not to mention control freaks and power freaks. You have to be to even make it in that job. I've known several cops, even dated one for almost 5 years. I wouldn't be surprised if this man has several little chippies running around. I know you think you're special, but there's a good chance you're not, I'm sorry to say.

You know what you need to do. Instead of focusing all your attention on this man, why not channel it towards what you're going to do about your marriage. It really isn't fair to your husband to keep this charade up. If you don't want to be married to him anymore, set him free to find someone who will want to be with him. Because it's pretty obvious he's trying to hang on to you. That's just not fair to him. But I would make your decisions based on other things than your AP. That, I'm afraid, is a losing bet for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 2:08pm
Check out the love addicts anonymous website.I think you may find many similarities with yourself. It is FULL of great articles, posts, information and very supportive people! You are addicted to the feelings, not the man. You may not be able to see this for yourself but this man is definitely an abuser and a user. Get rid of him quickly before he kills any self esteem or connection you have to the outside world and get help! He will drag you down to the very bottom and when you are lying there will step over you and carry on. I would suggest doing nothing right now about your marriage but work on getting better, finding out why you let this man treat you this way over and over again. You deserve so much better than this low life. I don't care what his job is, there is NO EXCUSE for his treatment of you. Walk away and give this jerk the boot, leaving him in the dust and let him know you aren't taking his crap anymore!!! It is never easy, I know only too well but staying with an abuser is the worst thing you can do for you and your family.