Very difficult place

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Very difficult place
4
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 8:16pm
I have been a lurker for some time but haven't gotten up the guts to post until now. As background, I've been involved in A with MM for 2 years. We both needed each other for different reasons and were both basically in marriages that resembled business partnerships. I have since divorced- not b/c of him but b/c it was right, what I wanted,and he was there for me as a friend and kept me strong. We both have children and it is his children (particularly son) that keeps him there along with the fear of losing everything (house,family $$, etc) He also feels a sense of obligation which I would definately expect him to feel. Anyway, I would never want to be the reason he left his wife. It has to be for him and I wouldn't ask. A few months ago I became pregnant and had an abortion to protect him. I am a pro-life supporter so this is nearly about to destroy me. It is tearing us apart. We both wish we had the decision to do over, but we don't and I can't get over it. He wanted it, I didn't. He said he'd be there, he tries but as you all can relate, it isn't nearly enough. He took me away last night and told me he loved me, we have a bond most never feel, he has opened up to me more than everyone else combined in his life and that he never wants to forget what happened and wants to do something so we'll always remember the baby. He also said he does not want to be part of the 70%of couples whose relationships don't survive what we did. I just feel this wall now. I do love him and can't imagine life without him, but I am tempted to just say 'leave me alone',I can't do this anymore. After all what's the point? I'm very down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 9:09pm
I dont know what to say to make you feel better. I just hope I can encourage you by letting you know that it will get a little easier and the pain will subside. It will never go away I realize that but I honestly feel that the decision to do something for the baby is a good one.

Just try not to beat yourself up too much and remember that the decision you made was the best one for you and all concerned and there is a reason things happened this way. If there is anything I have learned is that everything happens for a reason. I like you found myself pregnant for a married man . I could not for the life of me understand how it happened but accepted that it was meant to be So while you may not know it yet, I am sure you will find out in the near future why things happened the way they did.

If I can help, please let me know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:13pm
hi icrunch. i'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. i'm pro-choice myself and in your circumstances, (with only the info of your post), it sounds like that WAS the right choice for you.

honey, you're DEPRESSED! and every time you see MM, it brings home the facts of your decision. i know it's hard to understand, but you WILL get past this and if you feel like you need some help to do that, think about talking to a professional who will give you insight into how to deal with those negative, self-isolating, guilty feelings you are experiencing. that's just a suggestion though.

time is a wonderful healer. so give yourself some time to work through those negative feelings and do know that your MM is having the same feelings too. life goes on, sweetie, and you will too.

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:31pm
I felt compelled to respond to your message because of your truth and honesty. Many of the messages to me seem unconcerned with the other side of the issue; the MM's family. It is good that you care enough for him to respect what is best for him and wouldnt want to cause him trouble. But there is also a time where you had to know what you stand for and not waver on that for anyone. There is no point in judging or critizing the past, because it is done. But if he honestly cares for you he would respect your feelings for the baby, whether his life would be messed up. Although his and your life may be disshovled from the incident, there is one that never had a chance to experience all the things we take for granted. Remember, never let someone be your priority, while you are just their option.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 3:48pm
gk, icrunch choose to have the abortion for herself, as well as the situation. her MM wanted her to keep the pregnancy. AND he wants to do something to remember the child, so obviously he does care about her and the baby.

and we ALL make that choice to make others our priority. not every R is 50/50, is it? but keeping your self-respect and mental health should also be a priority to everyone.

jmo,

gurl