Very Hurt and Upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Very Hurt and Upset
3
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 1:16pm
I called my brother last night. Ever since I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago he has been very strange with me, short and kind of distant, and I wanted to talk to him about it.

I found out that while I was in the hospital, H called my brother and told him a number of different things including that I had a one night stand with OM. Of course he didn't bother telling my brother that it was when we were seperated and in the process of filing for divorce. Just that I had gone out and cheated on H.

So my brother tells me that he doesn't know how much of what I've told him over the past year is true anymore, how much of my marital problems are really my fault, etc. etc. He tells me that he loves me and still wants me to feel like I can vent to him when I need to but that he just isn't going to give my word as much credit as he did before.

I am so pissed and hurt. My brother has been the one person that I have been completely open and honest with about things over the last year. I have made a concious point of trying to be as accurate as possible in what I told him. Obviously you always have your own perspective on things and your own side to a situation/story, but I tried really hard to be objective when I told my brother what was going on.

I didn't tell him about OM because H asked me not too. H said it was our issue, our problem and that he wanted to keep it private between us. I felt like I should honor what he asked because I'd already betrayed him so badly and I didn't want to go against my word. So I didn't even tell my therapist, even though there are a number of issues for me around the whole affair. It was important to me not to betray H's trust again.

So H gets home from class last night and I question him about what my brother said and ask who else knows, who else has H told. I find out that he also told my dad, H's entire family,two of his close friends, and his therapist.

I was floored, I don't get it! I didn't ask H to keep it quite, he asked me to, but then he goes around telling all these people. Including my family! What business does he have calling my brother or my dad to set up private little meetings behind my back so he can trash talk me to my own family!! I never have gone to his family, not once in the past year to tell them all the aweful things that he's done to me. I felt it was such a low thing to do, to pit someones family against them.

H says he's sorry. Says he didn't say it to my family or anyone else to turn them against me. He said if he wanted to turn people against me he could have done it months ago and been a real a-hole about it, but that he didn't because he cares about me and wants our marriage to work.

I feel so hurt and so betrayed by the fact he went back on his word. At the same time I feel like I have no right to feel that way. Like I'm the one who had the one night stand so I deserve every bit of punishment he can dish out. And isolating me from my family is the worst punishment I can imagine.

Mostly I just feel like I don't have the right to be anger or upset. Like anyone and everyone who wants to should just be able to beat up on me because I'm the aweful person who did the aweful thing and no matter what H did to me for months and months before it didn't give me the green light to sleep with another man, seperated or not. No justification for what I did, so let the punishment fit the crime.

I also wish I'd been successful a couple of weeks ago, that I would have taken more pills and I wouldn't have called H for help. I should have just layed in that bathtub and died!!! But now I don't have the guts to do it again. I don't feel like there is anything to live for anymore, but I don't feel like there is anything worth dying for either. I just feel very empty, like a shell of a human being walking around going through the paces of life, but for what!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 1:45pm
celtic -- CALL YOUR THERAPIST NOW!! you are really seriously depressed and need help in person right now!!

please stop beating yourself up -- just because you slept with OM when separated from H doesn't mean you deserve to be trashed as a person, especially behind your back to your OWN FAMILY!! how dare your H do that to you?? and he says he wants to save your M!? your H does not deserve your logic of the justification for what he did. he aired private matters to everyone, without your knowledge, and you're saying you don't have the "right" to be angry or feel betrayed. of course you do!!

yes you did something you regret, but it wasn't murder for god's sake! and you were separated to boot.

tell your therapist everything, be honest in your sessions, or you'll never resolve any issues. your therapist needs to know everything that is going on in your life in order to assist you in regaining your mental health.

PLEASE CALL YOUR THERAPIST NOW -- IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!

please, please, please be good to yourself now. and please stay in touch with us. i wish i could talk to you in person. i hate it that you're so desperately unhappy!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 2:14pm
Yes, Celtic, call your therapist immediately...this is definately an emergency...

You also need to tell him/her everything because "garbage in/garbage out"...if you dont tell them everything they can not completely help you with your promblems. An EMA plays an enormous role in ones life whether you wish to think so or not. It effects more aspects than we like to admit...

Please call your therapist

*hugs*

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 2:23pm
Celtic, my dear, I agree totally with the others. Call your therapist - this IS an emergency! And, like Liberal said, this is *absolutely* something you must discuss. A therapist's office is much like the confessional - it is between you and the therapist - and he/she cannot help you if you don't tell what the problems really are; otherwise it is just going through the motions.

You absolutely deserve to live, to be loved, and to be forgiven. I am praying for you.