Very scared...
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Very scared...
| Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:05am |
This is my first time here and I am nervous. I guess I feel like if I write it, then it's real. I am married and in what I think a very happy marriage, but if I'm interested in sleeping w/ someone else then does that mean that I'm not happily married?
I'm toying w/ the idea of being w/ someone else. I know this person very very well and actually used to date him so us being together is not totally foreign. We recently were in contact, via e-mail, after not communicating for more than a year. The conversation began innocently then heated up. Now we are contemplating meeting in the new year. I'm scared b/c I don't like lying to my H but this curiosity haunts me day and night.
I just feel bad, like b/c I'm married I can never be attracted to anyone ever again.
I just would like some words of comfort, similar stories, words of wisdsom, etc.
Basically I don't want to be judged and felt comfortable coming here. Thank you in advance.
I'm toying w/ the idea of being w/ someone else. I know this person very very well and actually used to date him so us being together is not totally foreign. We recently were in contact, via e-mail, after not communicating for more than a year. The conversation began innocently then heated up. Now we are contemplating meeting in the new year. I'm scared b/c I don't like lying to my H but this curiosity haunts me day and night.
I just feel bad, like b/c I'm married I can never be attracted to anyone ever again.
I just would like some words of comfort, similar stories, words of wisdsom, etc.
Basically I don't want to be judged and felt comfortable coming here. Thank you in advance.
CB

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I had always fantasized about other men and, looking back, I realize now that I was in serious danger of an EMA even from the beginning. It was due to being overweight and "letting myself go" after marriage that I was able to avoid it as long as I did. Then I lost the weight, MM came roaring after me, and before I knew it, I was in deeper than I'd ever imagined.
When this first began, MM and I had a talk. He said, "Now is the time to stop this because if we don't, our feelings are going to get deeper and deeper and it's going to be too hard to stop." He was 100% right but I didn't resist. You know why? I was lured by the adventure. At the time I told myself I HAD to see where this was going; otherwise I'd always wonder. I think I was right. The only way this could have been averted was if MM had never come after me in the first place. Once the temptation has been waved in front of us, we're naturally going to follow it. It would take a very strong person to resist. But you know what? I don't think I realized that nothing would be the same. That I'd never be able to look forward to being off two weeks for Christmas or that I'd dread weekends because I can't see him or that I'd even dread my summer VACATION! That my peaceful, quiet, BORING existence was about to be changed forever. Had I known all that...I still wouldn't have stopped, unfortunately!
So here's what you're in for. Guilt. Pain. Longing. Wanting to be with him when you can't. Not knowing what his feelings are. Sitting by the phone, wondering why he hasn't called. Worrying that your husband will find out. Worrying that his wife will find out. You'll have good days, you'll have bad, but once you've started down that road rest assured there's no turning back. In the end, SOMEONE will get hurt, that's for sure. Either it will be your H, YOU, or your other man. You didn't mention if he was married or not, but that will bring new complications either way. If he's single you'll possibly feel guilty about leaving him alone nights while you're with your family. If he's M, you're possibly breaking up a family. If he has kids, that will bring even more complications (trust me!). I think we all know that once someone has decided to have an A, there's really no stopping them, but if you really want to know what's ahead, go to the Ending an Affair Support board. Read the stories of the women there who are struggling, day by day, just to keep from picking up the phone and calling the men they love. They've had their hearts broken, been deceived, or have just plain gotten fed up with the roller coaster ride. (Get used to that term, you'll hear it a lot!) The average affair lasts 2 years and on my time on these boards, I've pretty much found that to be true. Mine's been going on for 8 months. Bottom line: once you've began an A, your life will never be the same. But chances are, if you've e-mailed this guy enough to get to the point that you're discussing meeting, your A has, in essence, already begun...
I dunno how your relationship with your H is. My husband and i have always been able to talk about things. Dont' get me wrong he HATES when if i ever hear from OM, but still we are open about everything. And although all the cats out there will say otherwise, we tell eachother the truth. If he is attracted to someone he tells me. ANd i do the same. But let the record show neither one of us has slept with anyone else.
So relax and see what it is you really want. I doubt you will be able to talk to your H. Most women can't. So then you have to see if you can stomach everything it takes to be in an A. If is a one time casual things, maybe, but you know this guy already. Do you want to be with him.. Long term? Or do you think its just the idea of sleeping with him again that appeals to you. Also would it ´be a one off thing... cause if not you have to look at the whole picture.
good luck
Thank you for your advice.
I have a tough personality and tend not to let my heart get in the way of things so it's easy for me to do something and walk away from it. It's good and bad.
Either way, I have NO idea if something will happen b/c we discussed this last week and he's out of town now and I'm going out of town too and it will be two weeks before we may communicate. That's fine w/ me b/c maybe by then this will all blow over. If not, then I'll have to see to handle it.
Good luck with your situation. It is hard to be in this situation. Thank you for taking time for me.
i understand exactly where you are coming from. I have these adventure needs as well, and i can't even picture doing them with my husband, or have been shot down for even thinking. It sounds so lame too, cause its just sex right. Just a small part of a really good marriage and friendship, but there are times when i think about it and really feel sad. I have this horrible tendancy to listen to others, and when i read things or hear things about 2 hrs sex-a-thons etc.. i get insanely jealous. My sex is fine, great éven sometimes, but its just not what i always imagined my sex life being.. anyway, good luck and if you want to talk , i am here.. byee
For me, this A has nothing to do w/ emotions. Like I said, I'm a bit selfish and I just want mind blowing physical activity. My H and I have a really good sex life, but it's not adventerous. I'm more experienced than he is and sometimes some of the things I'd like to try, I know he'd be uncomfortable with. This might be crossing the line here and I hope that I don't offend anyone, but like many females I have a "toy" and he hates that. He's never seen it, he's never asked me about it and has NO desire to know about it. That thing has dust collecting on in and I don't even know if I know where it is...that's how long it's been since I've had an encounter with it. It's just funny b/c most women (and men) don't find that disturbing or threatening. If he doesn't like that, then he wouldn't like other thoughts that I have, things that turn me on that he would be uncomfortable with. They aren't even over the top things. Like I said, I've done more crazy things than he has and that's what my possible A offers. The thought of it excites me but then I find myself feeling very guilty about feeling that way. I have been thinking about it since we talked about it last week and it's sort of exciting b/c it's my very own secret. I don't know how I can let myself think like this but I'm human and I can't help my thoughts. I'm a very open minded person and don't judge other people for anything. Life is what it is and we have a zillion decisions to make throughout the journey.
Do you think that you'll do it again? Do you see this person often?
Thanks for your reply!!
I had also been thinking of doing the same thing although it was going to be with a friend who took a real interest in how my life had been going. My marriage had been really good until recently when it took an ugly turn that we're trying to work out and I became vulnerable to the kind words of another man. I didn't follow through and told this person that I could no longer have ties with him. It was hard for me to do because I was so attracted to him and he made me feel attractive (a quality I thought I had lost after having my son). I wish you luck in your situation and hope that you come out of it okay. I felt bad for lying to my H also but I also thank God that he never knew of this other person. I'm sorry you're so torn and hope the best for you.
We haven't had intercourse yet, but we've had oral sex and it was amazing. One day was all about me and another time was all about him. He did things I hadn't tried before and was very attentive and into me. I don't feel attached in an emotional way - but I do crave the attention and want him physically when we are not together - but not so much that it interferes with anything. We discussed the attraction and what we both wanted out of it before anything happened. We both are married and have the same to lose. We both want something physical and nothing more. There has to be some degree of trust for this to happen - but he is not someone I could have a relationship with. He is very sexy but too different than I am in terms of life goals. Plus I could never trust him (duh! I'm such a hypocrite!) My husband and I are temporarily living far from home and I feel safer exploring here (in another country) than I would on my home turf. This is not something that will turn into a long affair because I know I am moving back to the US eventually. So, that is part of my justification - plus I am somewhat sexually dissatisfied and want to learn more. He has talked to me enough about sex that I wanted to see if he was as great as he sounded. He is. Maybe I'll be able to bring part of what I experience into my own marriage and learn to let go a little more with my husband. Yes, we will see eachother again - and yes, we are planning on "going all the way" - but not sure when. We are both on vacation now and I probably won't be alone with him again until the second week in January. This long time period will help me make sure I can handle this emotionally. THe scary thing for me is that I lied about it to my husband and am not freaked out by it. What does this say about me? Right now I am being so selfish - but I also need to be. I can't wait to be with him again to do the things we have talked about. We'll see how it continues after that. We both are thinking that after satisfying our curiosity that we will back off. THis was long - sorry! It is so nice to have a place to discuss this - and hear from others in the same situation!
Where are you with your A - any decisions yet?
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