W therapy update: no surprises

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
W therapy update: no surprises
10
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:18pm
Just a quick note for the few folks I talk to all the time here.

The W has been to therapy I believe five times. The woman who mocked me going to counseling finally decided it was worth trying once I moved out. But already she is getting tired of it, asking what it would take to have me come home, and is impatient with her therapist's suggestions that she not really start making sweeping changes to her life until she's sure which changes those should be.

Anyway, just wanted to share for some reason. It's sort of reassuring in a disturbing way that I figured this is about how long this would last and about as successful. I suppose it's sort of good to be right. Maybe that means I'll be right about the rest of it and her accepting the end and us having an amicable split. But I doubt it. Cuz I really don't think that's what would happen when I'm honest with myself.

Crap.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:34pm
I don't know much about your situation, but I will say...try to talk her into staying in therapy (if that is possible)...if you decide to end your marriage (I think you are?), it might help her as far as remaining amicable. It's ok to feel reassured; maybe your decision making process is better than what you give yourself credit for!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:07pm
Hi Rain, i have been reading your replies and posts. You need to give a class to other men....how to communicate with women! the therapy thing is a long process. My stbxh went for about two months. after asking for 10years! and two weeks after he stopped going he moved out. i believe the therapist helped him to see somethings a bit clearer but he just can't get past certain issues. I know i am getting a D but we both struggle every time we talk to not rehash the past. i am still going to the same therapist he went to. some weeks i think i get it and then i have a set back as i did yesterday when i broke my windshield and knuckle! so tomorrows session should prove to be interesting!

some people will just not see what is right in front of their face no matter how close it is. and when you have the wisdom to see and face it won't be so bad. so when your w is ready to deal with what ever is happening she will. and you can only hope it happens before it gets ugly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:10pm
Hey rain,

I just get the impression (I might be wrong about this) that you may not be giving the W the clear distinct signal "That's it" and "No More". The reasons could be that you are that cute conflict avoiding lion :-) wanting peace at all fore fronts or you could be actually ambivalent about this whole issue. If its the former, you probably need to be just a little more blunt to your W about where you see yourself heading and not give her any false hopes because if you have already made your decision then don't waste her time, her money or your time. If it’s the latter, you need to step aside from both women for a while and just put yourself full force into the counseling with no hidden agendas or motives and go into completely neutral no matter what your OW wants or thinks.

IMHO

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:17pm
Rain,

I've been thinking about you lately, and I have wanted to post to you, regarding an update on your situation. I feel that maybe I have made you feel uncomfortable by emailing, that was not my intention. I guess, I was reaching out to anyone, in a time of need for myself. Water under the bridge. I hope. Please accept my apology.

Anyway, I have to admit, that I may be in the same place as your W, whereby, I do not know what I want. I have been attending counselling as well, and I do find it frustrating. I have no idea what changes to make.

To be quite honest, I do not have only myself to consider, which may or may not have a deciding factor in the matter. I have 2 daughters to think about. My H is a wonderful father. My H is a wonderful husband when it gets right down to it. That is what makes it so confusing to me.

Your frustration with your W, I think, has more to do with you undecisiveness than hers. You do not want to hurt her anymore. You do not want to BE hurt anymore.

I still believe that honesty within yourself is the best thing. I also believe that you already know this.

Be true to yourself (I wish I could be). Come on Rain, let me live vicariously through you (LOL).

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 9:48am
Red,

First, I really feel bad if you emailed me... I haven't been able to pick up email from the account I listed when I signed up and I can't figure out how to redirect it. I really only post from work now, unless I'm at the house alone for some reason (about two lunches a week when I'm dog walking.)

Since I moved out, I don't even have my PC moved let alone internet connectivity. Please don't feel the need to apologize; I feel really bad that you tried to reach me and couldn't. The only email address I have now is the work one, which I'll happily give to you in an email I'll try to send -- I just don't want to post it for obvious reasons. Hey, for that matter I'd give you my phone number if you wanted. I try very hard to support my friends whenever they need me, and online friends certainly are no less valuable than the ones who can help you move...

You're really pretty right about part of this. I hate to see her hurt. She's been really unhappy with no outlet to talk about it except therapy. But she hates sharing her inner feelings, as opposed to me (obviously by the frequency of my musings here) who is quite comfortably broadcasting them. I'm really sure of what I want: to be out, done, finished, and to see her move on and be happy.

I think OW and I will work out wonderfully, but if we don't, I will still be glad I took this step. My heart is much lighter, I'm more calm, and I just feel very good about life in general. I don't feel driven or pushed about this work nonsense, I'm just content with my fun job now and what I have. If I could send my W on to the right R for her and see her happy, I'd really just be ecstatic. I think part of my problem is that even now after all of this I feel responsible for her happiness. I'm just wired that way I guess.

I think my frustration with my W is that she is a "results" person. Therapy by its nature is a "process." She doesn't like it because she doesn't know when she'll be done or what the goal is for sure. She doesn't like to examine things. As she's said before, part of our problem is that she goes into a dark room, turns on the light switch, and goes on to what she was going to do. On the other hand, I go in, turn the light switch on, become fascinated with where the light comes from and next thing you know I'm taking apart wiring boxes, reading books on carbon filament bulbs, and trying to figure out where the electricity comes from in the first place...

Anyway... thanks for the advice and insight. And again, I'll try to email you through the account here with a new email address for me. I'm really sorry you thought I was uncomfortable or anything; for the record, it's really hard to make me uncomfortable unless I'm being asked to do something I don't believe in.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 10:07am
PG,

Me? Conflict avoidance? Noooo....

Hm. Well, I'm definitely not ambivalent. Maybe three months ago I was because I just wanted it all to be over one way or another, but now that I've moved out and had more time with the OW I really see what it's like to be with someone who is a good match. I want that R to have a real chance at survival and growth. I'm optimistic but realistic.

So here I go again, telling you that you're probably right. Is that getting old yet? LOL.

I should be more blunt. And I'm becoming more and more direct and blunt as I start to think she can handle it. The day I moved out was pretty scary to see her out of control and upset like that. Twelve years of knowing her I've never seen anything like that.

But now she's starting to settle down, and she has a week long trip back to her parents in a few weeks where she'll be *home* where her two best friends are, family, etc. Even with all this time away from them, that really is her only support group and she doesn't have anyone even close to that here. I'm working up the speech and setting the stage a little now to have a serious talk before she goes. I really would like to be as clear as possible with her since she's going to be in the most supportive environment she knows. There won't ever be a better time to just be direct with her.

It's still hard. In the past her parents have teased her a little about not treating me very well and so on, and her reaction used to be indignance and irritation. They've told me (in front of her) that they know how she is and that I should be sainted for dealing with her every day. It was sort of funny a year ago. But they don't know we're separated... and it's not funny any more.

Thanks as always for trying to keep me honest, PG. You seem to be pretty good at that, which puts you in a distinct and small group of people whose input I take to heart.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 12:08pm
I ended my affair after 16 months of ups and downs and all arounds. He wasn't able to be there for me at one of the darker times in my life, and this catipulted me back to reality. For 9 months following, (we were also business associates), I asked him repeatedly if he and his wife had sought counseling yet. (BTW, she never knew about the A, and had sexually disassociated herself from their marriage many years before we even became lovers.) MM and I had long heated discussions regarding this during our A and afterwards, because I needed some sort of confirmation that I had done the right thing by ending it. That is when he told me she "REFUSED" counseling again just like she did when their troubles first started many years prior. So, 9 months later we picked up where we left off...I was a stronger person and he was just as lonely as ever.

So.....some people like being miserable. This is who they are. Both my parents were the same way. Ironically, I took up psychology in college just to understand how 2 people who are physically appalled by one another, can live together for 34 years. Guess I will never have to experience this personally, as I am ANTI-marriage anyway. "Seek and Destroy" A battleship cry that can easily apply to many relationships.

**Terri**

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 2:55pm
Funny - just got off the phone with H in an emotional conversation again...about counseling....

He wants to change counselors. Never believed in them at all, and suggested going once this really got bad. We both see one, but now he doesn't agree with his counselors opinions. He doesnt' want to go with the 'society norm' and just divorce without working on it. He keeps pulling God into it - that we promised to God and to others, and what God wants you to do, and how divorce is wrong, etc.etc. The funny thing is that the boy hasn't been to church in 10+ years, nor has he had strong faith until recently. I'm happy for that, but I hate the God thing being thrown into my face. Now he wants to go to a church spiritual counselor instead of his other one....anyway....off the subject...just had to vent.

Rain, I hope you are right about the rest. I wish only the best for you. I truly hope that you do have a decent split, and that she does come to terms with the fact that this is the end. I hope my H does too. After the talk the other day, I think he will. He just keeps saying 'I'll have no choice, even though I don't want it'. But, if that is all I can get, I'll take it. Even if it takes him years to realize that this was for the best, at least we can get moving on the path to the better lives apart. Your W may not be the kind to respond to counseling...maybe not now, but maybe she will later. I hope that she keeps going (for her sake). But, more I just hope that w/ or w/o the counseling, she comes to a level ground with you on this. Not doing so will only be her making herself more unhappy...you will be fine. Just keep your head up.

FMH6

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 10:10am
Thanks FMH.

Just wanted to comment about the God thing...

You know, at one point my W complained about me helping do sound at church. I didn't mind doing it, I'm a very good sound engineer and they seemed glad to have the help, so I felt very positive about doing it. A few hours here and there didn't seem a lot to ask of me, but my W was really put off that I sat in the booth running the board the whole service instead of with her. Eventually she stopped going to any service I was working sound on. Talk about not really grasping the notion of serving your fellow man...

But now... well, it's "We promised God" and "Doesn't for better or worse mean anything to you?" It's sad really. I feel bad for her that this is a tool for her now, that all she can think of to use in defense of her actions is 'but you said forever' kind of arguments. She's not really finding any refuge in religion, not going to church more, just picking religion up like everyone else and trying to use it as some sort of weapon. Of course that isn't working because I'm immune to religious beatings...

Thanks again for your feedback and kind words. I hope you and I get our spouses to come around to the idea that we don't hate them, we just might not bring out the best in each other and would be better suited (and therefore happier) if we all just shook hands and moved on.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 12:22pm
I have been struggling with my faith ever since beginning my A last year.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
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