W won't leave me alone. Need advice!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
W won't leave me alone. Need advice!!!
5
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:05pm
For those of you who don't know the story, here's a quick summary: MM and I have been in a long distance, non-physical A for almost a year. W first found out about us last fall. Found out again a couple months ago. She freaked, talked to H, etc. MM and I were still in contact, but not as often and being super careful. Last night W found old email (originally sent prior to second discovery) and freaked out. Confronted MM in the middle of the night. He got confused and for some reason admitted that we'd talked a couple times. Now she's hounding me to talk to her. She's been calling my house (number being changed tomorrow), my cell and at work. She emails me often. She claims she won't stop until she can talk to me. She's threatening to come talk to me in person, but I rather doubt she will as it is a 9 hour drive.

So, what should I do? My inclination has been to delete the emails, refuse to answer the phone and give her time to cool off. Besides which, there is nothing I can say that will change the situation at all. I actually agree with her that she has no reason to trust me or believe anything I say. (Which to me just emphasizes that there is no point to talking to her.)

BUT, there are moments when I wonder if I should let her speak her piece so she can say what she has to say and be done with it. Or tell her to email me and say what she has to say. I hate the idea of engaging her or responding to her at all. But if that is what it takes to make her stop... (Or will it just encourage her?)

Thoughts??? I really appreciate it!!!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:16pm
i just asked almost same thing in another discussion. i have spoken to the w and i let her call and i answer the phone. what i am finding now is it is all vindictive. she wants to throw salt in the wounds so i am saying be carefull of speaking as it may get uglier than you expect. now i can't stop the dialog with my mm's w!
Avatar for jetamio1
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:20pm
I don't really know if my advice is the best because I'm still new to this and haven't yet been in this situation. I *think* if I were in your situation I would let her get everything off of her chest - in an email. I'd be afraid emotions would rise too high in a phone or face to face conversation. But when you read the conversation you can take the time to calm down and respond reasonably.

Jetamio

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:31pm
Change your # and get it unlisted! good luck!

db
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:24pm
GB2

You have been such a saviour to me! I absolutely love you!

So now my opinion, honey (you may not like it)

I have dealt with a betrayed W, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. My MM then (H now) was at the end of his rope, at the end of his M. We live in a small city, and we all worked together. The last day of their marriage (living together) she caught then MM and myself having coffee together in a local restaurant. She freaked out. Called me a "sl*t" in front of all the other patrons and slapped me in the face.

Later that day, she called my home (I still lived with my parents) to tell me that she was pregnant. It turned out that it was all a ploy in order to lure MM back to their M. As soon as she realized that wasn't going to happen, she miracuously had a miscarriage.

My point is, a woman, any woman, will do whatever it takes to keep her man! Even if she doesn't really want him (which she didn't, they had separated), and as soon as she realize he was interested in me, she wanted him back.

Just think how you would feel if the situation was reversed. How would you feel if it was your H having the emtional A. What would you do?

Anyway, the fact is, you are having a long distance emotional affair. Really, what threat do you pose? Do you think that he will ever leave his wife willingly, move to another state, expect you to leave your H, and be with him?

You have been honest with your H about this situation pretty much from the start (well, at least since she found out about the emails) You have nothing to lose.

Really when you think about it, it's only emails. What's the harm. He makes you feel good, and you make him feel good. Right?

I really can't say how I would feel if it were my H - at the moment, he has said that he feels like seeking revenge by sleeping with someone else - and I have to be honest in saying that I really wouldn't care if he did. I didn't get that "sinking" feeling at the thought of it.

Also, currently, I feel that I am participating in something that some would consider "cheating" (although I'm not seeing anyone in person, and I'm not having physical s*x with them) andd prior to what I've already done with xMM, I probably would have thought the same thing. But, it's fun, it makes me feel good, and in some ways, I think it has replaced some of my feelings that I used to get from xMM.

I'm not sure what my advice is to you in this situation. I think it's a good idea that you are having your phone number changed. If MM's W wants to email you, let her. You can always delete them.

I figure the fact that he is emailing you, is his problem to deal with. A few old email messages that she found is not going to jeopardize your relationshiip with MM. Especially now that he is only emailing from work. Unless she is a genius hacker, there is really no way she could get into his work email account. If he has a remote connection, I guess it could be possible, but again, that is not really your problem. It is his to explain.

I realize that you care about him. But don't let something like this cause problems in your own M (unless that''s what you want). If the contact becomes a real problem, then cut off all contact for a while. You can block his W's emails, and with an unlisted number there should be no way she could bother you.

I know this reply is long. I hope I offered some sound advice (I've had a couple drinks tonight, so I may not be making any sense).

Again, thank you for all of your support over the past few weeks. I had found it truly invaluable.

((((GB2)))))

I hope everything works out for you.

Take care

Red


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 9:08am
Thank you so much Red and everyone for your suggestions and support. My home phone number is officially changed and unlisted so she cannot reach me there any more. I'm really glad because I don't feel the rest of my family should be harassed because of something I have done. She can still reach me on my cell, but I just don't turn it on. She could probably call me at work if she wanted to. She said in an email that she'd left a message for me at work, but then when I came in this morning there wasn't one. If she's smart she won't call my office - I don't think my company would take kindly to harassing personal phone calls being directed here. They are far more likely to call in lawyers and cops than I am. At this point I'm just waiting to see what her next communication will be. If she doesn't quit then I'll probably email and tell her why I think discussion is pointless (there's nothing I can say or do to change the situation, and even if I could, she wouldn't listen or believe me). As a very last resort I'll allow her to talk to me. But after that I will block all her emails and refuse her calls. Enough is enough.

Ah Red - you are such a wonderful person. I'm so glad you didn't leave the board when you thought you would - what a tremendous asset you are! I truly appreciate your thoughts about my relationship with both MM and H. I am extremely reluctant to use the word "soulmates" because I don't really know what that is. But if there IS a soulmate out there for me, MM is it. I love him like no other. And he loves me too. He has told me repeatedly his goal is for us to be together. BUT there are kids involved and both of us felt a need to make every last effort in our Ms. We know we couldn't be happy together if there are any regrets left from our Ms, or if we didn't take the time to learn from what we've been through. It may be way too late for MM and his M now. He has to deal with that. As for me, I love DH and don't want to hurt him or tear apart my family. I'm just hanging in there, trying to see what DH and I have, and whether I can be truly happy with him. In the meantime, I'm not going to cut MM out of my life - but we are going to back off and allow things to calm down. If by some miracle their M can be saved, then we may have to stop communicating permanently. I just cant' go through this again.

You asked what I would do if the situation was reversed and H was the one in an emotional affair. Well I can tell you what I WOULDN'T do. I wouldn't contact the OW. Why? Because ultimately my issue wouldn't be with her - it would be with H. It takes TWO to participate in an A. H would have to be accountable for his actions. I would want to talk to him, find out what happened, why the A started, etc. I'd go to counseling and try to get at the core of the situation. I'd probably put a lot of blame on myself. That's what I would do. At least, that's what I THINK I'd do.

H has taken all of this reasonably well. But then again, he doesn't really understand just how much I love MM. I think he has an inkling, but I haven't spelled it out for him. What he knows is that MM and I are extremely close friends and that MM's W is psycho. To be honest, I think DH's biggest concern is the physical aspect. If MM and I had slept together, it would definitely be the end of my M.

Well, enough rambling. Thanks again for all your support - I will keep everyone posted. In the meantime, PLEASE take care of yourself Red. I admire you for honoring MMs wishes to end the relationship, for being honest with your H and for doing what you can to work on your marriage. I'm sorry your H is having such a hard time. Try to hang in there and have faith that things will work themselves out eventually.

((((HUGS))))

GB2