Waiting for Jan 1

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2008
Waiting for Jan 1
7
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 9:51am

Maybe I belong on EAS, but since I haven't done it yet (again, I mean)... hoping this is the right spot.

I'm OW to a MM, going on 1.5 years of EA/PA... was supposed to leave his wife in January, had a big DDay and everything... but they're still together. Spent this year falling into the cliche steps of an A, less contact, lowered self-esteem, anger at being the OW, half our time together is spent uncomfortably discussing our future and when that is going to start.

He is supposedly working on breaking up the marriage, but there's no ETA. I'm supposed to wait and be patient - our future is worth it. I can't help but feel like we're just putting off the inevitable and I'm the only one it's bothering. We've discussed that nothing is 'going to happen' in December, but he won't commit to anything happening after that either.

So, now I'm just waiting. Waiting for Jan 1 to pass, so I can push. Anyone out there tired of waiting? I'm ready to get on with something - either getting over him, or starting the very hard road that ends up with us together. This limbo is awful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2007
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 10:36am

Hello, I understand how it feels to wait and wonder. Refer to post "I am so ashamed" and you will know my story.


I would wait and worry about "how " the future was going to look. Now that my AP is leaving his GF, even though the circumstances have changed and there is the possibilty of us together. I still wonder and wait. I had a moment where I realize I need to work on myself and my spiritual beliefs. This A turned me upside down emotionally and morally. I let myself indulge in other "pleasures", drinking and overeating to fill the void when he was not available. These problems are my own. And I need to work on them and forgive myself. You need to do the same.


Do not wait for him to make you "whole" find yourself and your strength. Things will happen in time. Give yourself time to see the whole picture. Start exercising, meditate, go for a walk. Read. Get on with your life.Do not wait and worry.


It is almost 2009 and it will be a whole different year, be positive and get strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2008
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 1:14pm

I understand how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2008
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 1:45pm

Thanks Chatfish, you're right I know you are. I'm 'waiting' for my life with him to start and the months are just flying by. I know the only way to move on is to end it with him, but I've tried a few times and just get sucked back in. Now I've committed to not making any decisions this month, but I'm chewing it over in my head constantly.

I did this before, we'd set a September 1 deadline, but it fell through because of . We were doing good not seeing each other, but my mom fell ill on the 15th, died on the 19th. I let him back in and decided not to decide for a while as I dealt with that. He is my best friend, very hard to lose that too.

But now we've gone through Thanksgiving, his son's birthday is today, Christmas next week, his birthday on the 31st. I'm just waiting to tell him Tick Tock. Seems like a waste of two weeks, but I also can't see being strong through the holidays to start that drama. So I'm waiting. And I've done it so many times before that I wonder if I'm waiting because I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to see it through. Then I wonder if I'm only running because I'm used to doing that. Then I wonder which I can actually accomplish first - leaving him or finding myself. Arg... been struggling over my reply and can only see that I'm very confused. Obviously. Thanks for hearing me out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 12:33pm

I was in your predicament not too long ago. When AP and I got back together after 6yrs. of separation I gave him Dec. 25th (a year) as a deadline to be in his own place, and be settled. I waited until a few days before Thanksgiving to ask him where he was at as far as finding a place, and getting the stuff he needed. He admitted that he was not as far along as he hoped, and that he need until March. I told him "NO!" He just couldn't believe that I waited all those years and months, but wouldn't wait a few more months. We started seeing each other 8 yrs. ago, and I am in no better position this day then I was when we started seeing each other 8 yrs. ago. I told him "I refuse to be your dirty secret anymore."

There are times, well most of the time that I regret ending it. There is such a huge part of me that hopes that he will do the right thing, and get a place, and we can be a family (we have a child together) The question that I battle w/ the most is what will I do if he comes through in March, and gets his own place? Do I still walk away, or do I accept things on his terms which is usually how things are done?

There is so much drama in A's. Why do we put ourselves in these type of positions? I don't know if leaving your AP is the right answer, but it usually is. Good luck in making your choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2008
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 1:32pm

Well, at least he knows I never 'faked it'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 11:16am

Hi Mwwannabe -


Just had a chance to read your post - and I was wondering how the discussion went?


Regardless of what his plans are - I just want to say I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and for knowing that this cannot continue long term - you deserve more and you need to take control of your life!


2009 can be your year - you just have to take it one step at a time.


Let us know how you are doing - OK??


Hugs -


Tgr ;)

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2008
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 2:43pm

Hola, thanks for asking about my status... I'm doing pretty well.