Wanting an affair with, I think...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Wanting an affair with, I think...
41
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:22am
I am married successful working mom who has come to know a similiar type man. There is some type of spark between us but I am unsure of what he thinks about me... My friend says that he may be interested but either chooses not to pursue because of what he could lose or may be unable to pursue. Please don't think I'm vain- but I am considered a very attractive woman. I would never want either one of us to leave our spouses/current lives but I think we could bond and have something together that our neither spouse can give us. There are so many details of course, but how can I tell if there is something worth pursuing? What is his interest is? I am willing to give this a 'go'. I am 40, he 43 so we are no 'kids' at what there is we both have on the line... Help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:02pm
Thank yo, thank you, thank you. At this time there is no A going on but as you can obviously tell- I want it to happen. Can I be so bold as to ask what your story is? My OM is at this time, just that. I doubt he even knows the extent of my interest. but I do believe he knows I am attracted to him. I do think there is a little spark between us. Who knows. However, I do believe he finds me attractive and he knows I think he is handsome. (I told him that 2 months ago via email. Then felt stupid and apologized in the next sentence!)

I value your advice... I am sorry for your pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:15pm
Sorry for the dumb question but whose ego is getting boosted- mine or his? I am so low in the self-esteem area these days... like you can't tell, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 8:56am
"I am married successful working mom...I am considered a very attractive woman"

Vles, these are traits that should bring you self-esteem, so why the low self-esteem? My story is on the Ending an Affair Board under "I need to be here..help me stay". I don't have the answer to the question I just asked you, but it's an answer I am struggling to find for myself. I do know that entering into an A did not help my self-esteem, it only hurt it. Just a year ago I was being told, on this board, the same things I am telling you today. I didn't listen, but wish that I had. If you want an A with this OM, you will probably pursue it. I'm not against affairs, they seem to work for some people, and you know I wish mine would have worked, but it didn't and I just want you to know what can happen. Good luck, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 11:37am
Hey C-

My self-esteem is low because I feel H should notice me. Not that OM does really either but I think he does. At times when I email him with something related to the organization we are both involved in, I interject a compliment to him for all of his hard work; tell him I'm not surprised he's successful, etc. You know- stroke his male ego. He just never seems to respond back to that stuff- only the organizational stuff. Am I scaring him off? Is he just giving me the cold shoulder? If he gave me those compliments, I would at least respond to them, even to say thank you. What am I doing? Why am I a basket case over this OM. I flirt then back off. Here's a snippit of an email I sent him (we wer talking about age).... you will see how I flirt then back off with the wife comment.... ( bullet point 1 and 2 were business related- #3 as you can tell is not. ...

"3. As for this chick- there's nothing at 20 that I can't do better at 40! Ahhhhhh..... experience.... (did I make you blush?) C'mon lighten up!

Now, go buy your wife some flowers and a great bottle of wine, get rid of your kids for a few hours, and have a nice evening! "

V :)"


SOOOOOOO, I wanted to give him the idea in his head (and other places) that I am confident between the sheets and make him want me, at least in his mind. Then I back off by telling him to go screw his W. I needed to protect myself. And by the way, he never responded back nor made any mention of my comments.

I have read your postings on the ETA board. Let me reach out and hug you. I should listen to everyone, I know that, but I NEED this, feel like I deserve it. I am so bored with life, marriage, work, etc.

Hoping you and I can be here for each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:43pm

"I need the ego stroke at this point in time; and unfortunately want it from him- NOT H."


i was boosting your ego, silly, not OM's.


CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:59pm
In all honesty this is the most mixed message I've ever seen. If I received something like this from a woman I would not respond either because I wouldn't know what to make of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 2:07pm
Like I said- I needed to protect myself emotionally. By putting the W comment in, I did that. I try to go out on a limb, but then chicken out and write something stupid like that. I guess maybe I was just trying to be a friendly spin to the flirt???
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:33pm
v-

Maybe the reason OM doesn't respond to your comments in emails is because they are emails, which means they are traceable and can be sent around to anyone. I would be REALLY careful about using email. Imagine if somehow the messages got to the wrong person ... you might get in a really nasty situation that could cost one or both of you your jobs. I know where I work anyone making those kind of comments in emails at work would be reprimanded once and fired on the 2nd instance. Maybe talking to him in person is better? Also emails are so often misinterpreted and it's very hard to know what someone means.

-Huge
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:09pm
Hi V,

"I should listen to everyone, I know that, but I NEED this, feel like I deserve it. I am so bored with life, marriage, work, etc."

I wrote this EXACT sentence on this board last year. I hear you and I understand you completely. I really believe if this is what you want you are going to go for it. That sentence is powerful. I'm not going to try and talk you out of moving forward with this OM, this is a support board. I want to give you some advice, some things I wish I would have done differently. Don't get so serious and dramatic, keep it light with OM, don't e-mail and pursue him so much, let him come to you more. Don't be so rushed to hop in bed with the guy, have fun with this flirty stage, this could go on for a very long time. Once you cross that line, I'm afraid it will change. Having an A will not help your self-esteem. I wasted so much of my time and engery on OM. If I would have spent that time and energy on ME, I would have all the self-esteem I need. I hate to be so blunt, but this will not last. You are already wondering why he isn't responding to some of your e-mails, it only gets worse with time. But hey, you probably know all of this already. I guess I just want to say HAVE FUN and we all will be here for you no matter what. Hugs to you, C

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:25pm
Oh H- You are right and I have thought about the email thing. I have more to lose here than OM. He owns his own business and no one sees his email but him. I work in large corporation and the email "police" are evident. Although I don't use any of the words that would really be a red flag. However, you are right- I need to watch it. NO ONE is worth me losing my job, messing up career, etc. As for talking with him face to face; whenever we see each other it is in a public place so there are several others around. We talk all 'business' you would say. I am totally different in person than in email. I give the impression that I'm open to chatting but any subtle hint of what I really feel is left in my head and heart. We did talk on the phone for 1 hour the other day while we were at work. He asked me about my promotion, how did O like all the travel, etc. He shared a little of his life, etc. It was me that turned the conversation to the topic of what he wanted me to call him about. (if you are new my life- he and I are in the same organization). It was a nice conversation- he and I in our respective offices. It seemed private, we could have said anything and no one would have known. But here's the kicker- I still don't have a clue if he realizes I am attracted to him and certainly does not know to what extent. I THINK he senses I am attracted to him, I just can't tell. I don't want to f--up the friendship we have as I am planning to ask him to lunch in the summer and see if he bites. It will be have been sometime since we have seen each other and I would hope he wants to see me. He has made a point of it at one time in the past to get me to notice him, so who knows. I just hope that once the group he and are a part of disband for the summer we can still email. However, what good excuse would I have to email him is my dilemma. Again, I want him to want me- but I am too scared to stick my head out to far. I just want FWB thing.