Wanting an affair with, I think...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Wanting an affair with, I think...
41
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:22am
I am married successful working mom who has come to know a similiar type man. There is some type of spark between us but I am unsure of what he thinks about me... My friend says that he may be interested but either chooses not to pursue because of what he could lose or may be unable to pursue. Please don't think I'm vain- but I am considered a very attractive woman. I would never want either one of us to leave our spouses/current lives but I think we could bond and have something together that our neither spouse can give us. There are so many details of course, but how can I tell if there is something worth pursuing? What is his interest is? I am willing to give this a 'go'. I am 40, he 43 so we are no 'kids' at what there is we both have on the line... Help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:31pm
So what your telling me is that he DOES know what I may be after and that he's dishin' me already? I guess I need to let this thing go then. Do you think he'd even want to have a lunch with me sometime this summer? It will have been quite some time since I have seen him; or, will he think I'm comin' on to him? Should I stop emailing all together once the group we belong to disbands for the summer? Is this thing dead?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:46pm
V,

No I don't know if he is dissin you already. Wouldn't it be better if he asked you to lunch? What I am saying is my OM flirted with me first, I got hooked, I wanted FWB, never wanted to leave my M. I was a bit inpatient for it to happen. I'm the one that initiated us to meet and talk, like your lunch idea. I was the one who kept e-mailing after he got fired, like your group disbanding. Different, but similar, see what I mean. I know what you want V, I can tell by your posts we are alot alike. I just don't want you to suffer the disappointment I have. Why don't you try backing off for a while and see what happens. What could it hurt? C
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:35pm
We are so much alike- that's why I REALLY value your advice. I may not take it- but I need to hear it. I am lucky to have you- please slap me into reality whenever you see fit. I have been dying to ask you this question.... you and I , we ARE attractive, successful, moms, smart, etc. Ok- why would my OM NOT want me? His wife is a plain-jane stay-at-home mom (however, very nice and sweet from my viewpoint). I am so different than her. In fact I am more like him than her. He is impressed with my career and seems to respect me. No matter how great he is as dad, provider, etc. HE STILL IS A MAN... don't most men find us a little extra attractive? I know this guy is still a sexual being. How can I get to him? I have stopped mailing him and only respond back to his. How can I get him to pursue me? Just even enough to want to lunch with me? I doubt he will ask me. I'm not the plague, why wouldn't he want to have an attractive, confident ( I am with him), smart woman friend meet him for lunch. I can guarantee if we were to meet this summer, he would definately like what he sees. I know this is vain, but again I'm not stupid or have a worthless job. I just don't know what's 'missing' in me that he would not want to continue an open line of communication. I will however remain quiet until he approaches me... hope I can stand it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:45pm
Protect yourself emotionally from what? If you are looking for a strictly sexual affair the worst possible thing that can happen is that he will say no to your proposition. Not good for your self esteem but not the end of the world either. But I have a hunch that you are already more emotionally invested in this than you dare to admit and it hasn't even started yet. I suggest that you think long and hard before going any farther. When emotions are involved an affair becomes a living hell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 7:57pm
V,

Oh boy, I have so much to say to you, but sometimes it just doesn't come across on my posts like how I mean it. I'll try. First, listen to what Boston said because he is right. This FWB thing, that is what I wanted, but in the end it didn't work for me. We would have sex and then he wouldn't call or anything, that is how it was supposed to be - no strings - but it is harder than you think. It did and is making life hell for me. I feel used by it all and that is hard on my self-esteem. My OM said he would back off because he was getting emotionally attached and he couldn't have me, so he figured he would only get hurt if it continued. We just want some fun because we feel we deserve it, we need it, we are bored, but the emotions get involved and it isn't fun anymore. It gets so complicated. The OM may back off and they seem to have no problem not e-mailing, calling, but us women want it even more and then the roller coaster ride begins. My life became consumed with checking my e-mail account and then being disappointed most of the time.

"don't most men find us a little extra attractive? I know this guy is still a sexual being. How can I get to him? I have stopped mailing him and only respond back to his. How can I get him to pursue me? Just even enough to want to lunch with me? I doubt he will ask me"

I wish I knew, because this is what I am still most confused about. I just posted yesterday somewhere about how he should have wanted me more than I wanted him. I used to wonder, how can he not want no strings sex with a gorgeous woman who he obviously was attracted to. ALL I have come up with is it became emotional for him too, hence no longer no strings, and it confused him. My OM did pursue me first but then backed way off. He did ask me to lunch twice, but cancelled both times. He did mention that we just can't risk being seen together. What I couldn't figure out was he was single, if I was willing to take the risk, why couldn't he. Now your OM being married, he may even be more afraid to take that risk.

If I was you right now, I would take it slow, have fun with it instead of stressing about it and just see how it plays out. Have a good evening, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:36am
Hey C- I have read your post several times. Each time I come up with a little more confidence to let this thing ride itself out. I will see OM on March 7 at an event where there will be lots of people. The best I can do is just be myself and not approach him. If he wants to see/talk to me; he can find me. I did need to send him an email on Tuesday of this week (content was group related). I told him no response was needed to my email. But I was hoping he would go ahead and respond anyhow- but no. Maybe I am a game player. I tease then back off then get mad because he is not doing what I want him to. The one thing I am planning on doing is to take your advice and play it slow, see if anything works out, maybe this is one OM that I just can't get no matter what I do, don't do, etc. I still need to feed my ego however and think it's not me; it's him. There's nothing wrong with me; he is just not interested in me. And that's what hurts the most. I feel like my dream (ok, maybe not the right word there, but you get my drift) is fading away. The less contact we have the more he will forget about me. I know this sounds silly, but other men swoon over me and I feel nothing (and believe me they are attractive). I just really want this OM. And you can tell I am already emotionally involved, otherwise why in the hell would I be thinking of him day and nite. My H tried to touch me last nite and I was repulsed. The ol' "i'm tired" thing came into action. I do love him but again there is no passion or desire on my part for him and as crass as THIS sounds, at this writing, I don't want to work on this issue with my H. I am a basket case C.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:47am
vles,

I haven't read any of the other post so I aploygize if I'm repeating anything that's already been said.

As someone who's been in a similar place and decided to pursue the other man...I advise you to think long and hard not on what you want, but what affect this would have on your children.

An affair by nature is a selfish thing. We have wants/needs that are not being met for one reason or another. And we put those needs above our vows when we choose to find them from an outside source. That's not a judgement, just a statement of fact.

In your case your decision will not just affect your relationship with your husband, but also with your children. It could perhaps also affect their future relationships based on what they learn from your actions.

I know what its like to be in a unstatifactory marriage. To meet that exciting, attractive man who makes your stomach flip and you feel 17 all over again. But that feeling doesn't last, its just a temporary high. Eventually you do get bogged down in the reality of hiding another life from your family and it will have reprocussions.

I won't tell you what to do. You have to make that decission yourself. And I certainly won't blame or judge you for the place your at. I just urge you to think long and hard about your children.

Best of luck to you,

Celt

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 4:59pm
Hi V,

One of the hardest things is we can't make them do anything. I can't make my OM call me or e-mail me. Really it's out of our control. You are right, the less contact, the less they think about us, but that should work both ways. So far for me it's not. I haven't seen my OM since November, I haven't talked to him since January. I haven't gotten an e-mail in 2 weeks. I was doing a little better all week until today. Today I am full of anger at him and myself. He has just kind of let me hanging here. But I can't hang here, I have to move on. There was nothing wrong with me either. He didn't want to pursue an A for whatever reason and I have to accept that. Someone posted here to me a long while ago to forget about OM and look around at what other guys may be checking me out. Don't have tunnel vision. I tried but was not interested. There was just something about OM. I'm a basket case too. Hang in there. Stick with your plan to just hold back and see him on March 7. Have a good weekend, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 7:17pm
B- You're right- I m amore emotionally involved than what I should be. That's why all th emixed messages I guess. Howver, I wonder if he sends one or two my way. Not sure how many of the postings you've read on this ( and if you're a man- I would kindly ask that you do so you can give me additional advice) but I think he has given me a few mixed one's as well. For instance, getting my attention when he did not have to, TWICE. Also, in December when this whole thing started for me, I told him in an email that I thought he looked handsome. (I had seen him that nite at an event we were both at; howver, I sent him another email the next day and apologized for the comment. Tolfdhim I was embarrassed that this thought ended up in an email. He said back " no apologies necessary" Whatever that means...). Anyhow, in late January when he had to drop something off at my home, he had on the same outfit. My best male friend told me that this coincidence could go either way. Since it was planned to stop at my house he wore what he knew I had complimented him on before on purpose OR it was pure coincidence and nothing more.

Another mystery to me is that the few times I have complimented him about things such as being successful, thanking him for all his volunteer tme, etc. he does not acknowledge at all. Not even with a thank you. He's not a selfish man- he's very down to earth, not Mr. GQ by any means just average. He leaves me at a loss.

Hope you do read my posts... they will give you detail into all of this. I would love to get your male opinion. Thanks.

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 10:19pm
I can only base my opinion on what you are saying in your posts and honestly you are not giving any concrete facts, mostly assumptions. He is certainly aware of your interest and is clearly flattered by it, he is probably attracted to you as well given that he does some flirting himself but he might very well think that all this is not worth risking his marriage (you have no means of knowing what his marriage is really like, you just ASSUME that it's unhappy - and it might not be the case at all, you understand this, don't you?).

I hate to throw broad generalizations in here and I am most certainly not speaking for our entire gender but usually our "signals" to a woman we are interested in are not at all "mixed", in fact, they are very clear. We are very rarely confused about how we feel and what we want. Where we do get utterly confused is when a woman starts sending us mixed messages - and women are good at that, to be sure. I've said it on here before and I am saying it again - we don't get subtle hints (or at least the majority of us) as well as we are not in the habit of dropping hints ourselves. It's just not the way our mind works. As far as him wearing the same outfit a month after you had complimented him on it I am having a hard time imagining this happening. Heck, sometimes I don't remember what I wore yesterday. I'd hazard a guess that it was pure coincidence.

I am probably not saying what you want to hear but what it all boils down to is - since, for whatever reason, he is obviously not going beyond mild flirting, if you want this to progress into something you will have to bring it up. If he is interested he will respond. And as I said, the worst possible thing that might happen is that he will say no.

I am in no position to be telling you not to go into it - that would be hypocritical since I came to this board for the same reason as everyone else. But I again suggest that you think long and hard before you act. Affairs happen for many reasons and no matter what threw me into mine I would never judge anyone whose reasons were different from mine and I consider everybody else's reasons to be as valid as my own. What I don't understand though is having an affair out of simply being bored in an overall good marriage. Boredom alone should not be the reason for having an affair - the price that you might end up paying is way too high for that. I'm telling you - if you are invested emotionally it's sheer hell and you are trapped, and there is no way out of this.

Good luck with whatever you decide.