Wanting an affair with, I think...
Find a Conversation
Wanting an affair with, I think...
| Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:22am |
I am married successful working mom who has come to know a similiar type man. There is some type of spark between us but I am unsure of what he thinks about me... My friend says that he may be interested but either chooses not to pursue because of what he could lose or may be unable to pursue. Please don't think I'm vain- but I am considered a very attractive woman. I would never want either one of us to leave our spouses/current lives but I think we could bond and have something together that our neither spouse can give us. There are so many details of course, but how can I tell if there is something worth pursuing? What is his interest is? I am willing to give this a 'go'. I am 40, he 43 so we are no 'kids' at what there is we both have on the line... Help?

Pages
No I don't know if he is dissin you already. Wouldn't it be better if he asked you to lunch? What I am saying is my OM flirted with me first, I got hooked, I wanted FWB, never wanted to leave my M. I was a bit inpatient for it to happen. I'm the one that initiated us to meet and talk, like your lunch idea. I was the one who kept e-mailing after he got fired, like your group disbanding. Different, but similar, see what I mean. I know what you want V, I can tell by your posts we are alot alike. I just don't want you to suffer the disappointment I have. Why don't you try backing off for a while and see what happens. What could it hurt? C
Oh boy, I have so much to say to you, but sometimes it just doesn't come across on my posts like how I mean it. I'll try. First, listen to what Boston said because he is right. This FWB thing, that is what I wanted, but in the end it didn't work for me. We would have sex and then he wouldn't call or anything, that is how it was supposed to be - no strings - but it is harder than you think. It did and is making life hell for me. I feel used by it all and that is hard on my self-esteem. My OM said he would back off because he was getting emotionally attached and he couldn't have me, so he figured he would only get hurt if it continued. We just want some fun because we feel we deserve it, we need it, we are bored, but the emotions get involved and it isn't fun anymore. It gets so complicated. The OM may back off and they seem to have no problem not e-mailing, calling, but us women want it even more and then the roller coaster ride begins. My life became consumed with checking my e-mail account and then being disappointed most of the time.
"don't most men find us a little extra attractive? I know this guy is still a sexual being. How can I get to him? I have stopped mailing him and only respond back to his. How can I get him to pursue me? Just even enough to want to lunch with me? I doubt he will ask me"
I wish I knew, because this is what I am still most confused about. I just posted yesterday somewhere about how he should have wanted me more than I wanted him. I used to wonder, how can he not want no strings sex with a gorgeous woman who he obviously was attracted to. ALL I have come up with is it became emotional for him too, hence no longer no strings, and it confused him. My OM did pursue me first but then backed way off. He did ask me to lunch twice, but cancelled both times. He did mention that we just can't risk being seen together. What I couldn't figure out was he was single, if I was willing to take the risk, why couldn't he. Now your OM being married, he may even be more afraid to take that risk.
If I was you right now, I would take it slow, have fun with it instead of stressing about it and just see how it plays out. Have a good evening, C
I haven't read any of the other post so I aploygize if I'm repeating anything that's already been said.
As someone who's been in a similar place and decided to pursue the other man...I advise you to think long and hard not on what you want, but what affect this would have on your children.
An affair by nature is a selfish thing. We have wants/needs that are not being met for one reason or another. And we put those needs above our vows when we choose to find them from an outside source. That's not a judgement, just a statement of fact.
In your case your decision will not just affect your relationship with your husband, but also with your children. It could perhaps also affect their future relationships based on what they learn from your actions.
I know what its like to be in a unstatifactory marriage. To meet that exciting, attractive man who makes your stomach flip and you feel 17 all over again. But that feeling doesn't last, its just a temporary high. Eventually you do get bogged down in the reality of hiding another life from your family and it will have reprocussions.
I won't tell you what to do. You have to make that decission yourself. And I certainly won't blame or judge you for the place your at. I just urge you to think long and hard about your children.
Best of luck to you,
Celt
One of the hardest things is we can't make them do anything. I can't make my OM call me or e-mail me. Really it's out of our control. You are right, the less contact, the less they think about us, but that should work both ways. So far for me it's not. I haven't seen my OM since November, I haven't talked to him since January. I haven't gotten an e-mail in 2 weeks. I was doing a little better all week until today. Today I am full of anger at him and myself. He has just kind of let me hanging here. But I can't hang here, I have to move on. There was nothing wrong with me either. He didn't want to pursue an A for whatever reason and I have to accept that. Someone posted here to me a long while ago to forget about OM and look around at what other guys may be checking me out. Don't have tunnel vision. I tried but was not interested. There was just something about OM. I'm a basket case too. Hang in there. Stick with your plan to just hold back and see him on March 7. Have a good weekend, C
Another mystery to me is that the few times I have complimented him about things such as being successful, thanking him for all his volunteer tme, etc. he does not acknowledge at all. Not even with a thank you. He's not a selfish man- he's very down to earth, not Mr. GQ by any means just average. He leaves me at a loss.
Hope you do read my posts... they will give you detail into all of this. I would love to get your male opinion. Thanks.
V.
I hate to throw broad generalizations in here and I am most certainly not speaking for our entire gender but usually our "signals" to a woman we are interested in are not at all "mixed", in fact, they are very clear. We are very rarely confused about how we feel and what we want. Where we do get utterly confused is when a woman starts sending us mixed messages - and women are good at that, to be sure. I've said it on here before and I am saying it again - we don't get subtle hints (or at least the majority of us) as well as we are not in the habit of dropping hints ourselves. It's just not the way our mind works. As far as him wearing the same outfit a month after you had complimented him on it I am having a hard time imagining this happening. Heck, sometimes I don't remember what I wore yesterday. I'd hazard a guess that it was pure coincidence.
I am probably not saying what you want to hear but what it all boils down to is - since, for whatever reason, he is obviously not going beyond mild flirting, if you want this to progress into something you will have to bring it up. If he is interested he will respond. And as I said, the worst possible thing that might happen is that he will say no.
I am in no position to be telling you not to go into it - that would be hypocritical since I came to this board for the same reason as everyone else. But I again suggest that you think long and hard before you act. Affairs happen for many reasons and no matter what threw me into mine I would never judge anyone whose reasons were different from mine and I consider everybody else's reasons to be as valid as my own. What I don't understand though is having an affair out of simply being bored in an overall good marriage. Boredom alone should not be the reason for having an affair - the price that you might end up paying is way too high for that. I'm telling you - if you are invested emotionally it's sheer hell and you are trapped, and there is no way out of this.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Pages