Wanting an affair with, I think...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Wanting an affair with, I think...
41
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:22am
I am married successful working mom who has come to know a similiar type man. There is some type of spark between us but I am unsure of what he thinks about me... My friend says that he may be interested but either chooses not to pursue because of what he could lose or may be unable to pursue. Please don't think I'm vain- but I am considered a very attractive woman. I would never want either one of us to leave our spouses/current lives but I think we could bond and have something together that our neither spouse can give us. There are so many details of course, but how can I tell if there is something worth pursuing? What is his interest is? I am willing to give this a 'go'. I am 40, he 43 so we are no 'kids' at what there is we both have on the line... Help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 11:10pm
Well, there you have it then. I needed to know your thoughts and agree with you. I have always thought all along his marriage was probably fine- what I didn't know was it something that he would 'test' if the oppty presented itself. I have to believe that in 15+ yrs of marriage ( I am in my 12th yr of marriage) that daily life is all well and good but if an attractive woman came along - would there be any desire on his part. If not a desire for an A; just an inner "secret" desire to "know" me. And now I know the answer is 'no'. One last question then- as I want to get over him, I would still like to remain in touch. I travel for my job so this makes my time scarce. Anyhow- as you may know I want to have lunch with him this summer. Meet somewhere casual, no big deal, just two friends having lunch. Do you think he will accept? If not, will it be because he thinks I am trying to start something? IF this lunch DOES happen , it will not be for a few months so can it be an acceptable thing to approach? It's lunch- nothing more. I hace several lunches with men and that's ALL they are. Nothing more. Again, your thoughts please. (ok, you can tell that I want to keep contact, if I TOTALLY give this up I need to know I have tried every angle).
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 12:32am
Well, it's going to be a long night and if you don't mind some more of my philosophizing, here goes.

Seeing him for lunch is not the best way to "get over him", hon. You are clearly trying to keep contact and give it every possible shot and I have to give you credit for admitting this and not being in denial. Sure invite him to lunch, why not? He might accept it on a purely friendly basis and then you will know that this is all he wants. He might decline, and if he does - so be it, and it should make no difference to you why he declined. Either way you will have your answer and your "closure." But to get this anwer you have to ask. That's by far better than wondering "what if" and driving yourself nuts for an indefinite period of time. And - he might accept and you just might get what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:03am
C- I it was a long weekend filled with many thoughts about all of this. Boston replied back and I need to heed his advice as well as yours. I cried all the way in to work this morning knowing that after this coming Sunday, I will not see him and have no reason to email him. Maybe this will get me over him- but I feel like I am starting a grieving process. I wrote a love letter to him 3 months ago that I keep in my wallet and read every now and then. It's more of me telling him my emotions and feelings. I use it as therapy to gage how strong I am getting or how much I am still hurting. I never of course intended to mail it or give it to him. But enough of me... I have been thinking about you ... how are you doing? You have helped me so much, how can I get you through your pain?

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:22am
Hi V,

I don't have much time to post this a.m. I'll try to get here later today. But for now, you are sweet to ask, but really you are already helping me with my pain. It helps to know that there is another woman like me out there and I'm not the only crazy one (lol). It helps with my pain to post and get it all out so to speak. I read what Boston said to you. You should ask MM to lunch, or else the not knowing will drive you crazy. Don't ask too far in advance like it's planned. Make it a casual thing. BUT, be prepared that he could accept and cancel later. That is the worst.

What grabs me the most with you and makes me cringe is you are doing the pursuing, like I did, and in the end that hurts your pride. I read here recently, "the one who loves the least holds all the power". Think about that. I will be back later, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:56am
"The one who loves the least holds all the power." I don't find this true. Knowing how much you are loved by someone is an incredible feeling and I don't think that it gives you any power over the person that loves you. In fact, it does quite the opposite - gives them all the power in the world over you. Makes you realize that you could die for this person. But maybe it's just me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 11:02am
No its not just you. Power struggles and love don't go well together. When in love having power is having no power at all. Same goes for the ego/pride and love. They don't gel well either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 11:54am
If the emotion is not reciprocated however, then the one who does love is not in the driver's seat. So if a M IS interested in OW (me, for instance) he will make it clear that he is; and not give subtle hints ( according to your last post). So how does one tell if M IS interested or attracted to W? I need something tangible. I still can't find an answer to that question.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 12:11pm

V -- you don't have to know if MM is attracted to his W -- what is the point of that?

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 12:19pm
He will say it and act upon it, hon. I have no idea how exactly he will word it, or what exactly he will do - everybody is different, but one way or the other he will make it known to you and you will not be left wondering. Sorry, I honestly don't know how to make it more tangible than it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 3:39pm
V, you understood more how I understood "the person that loves the least has all the power" when I read it here. You are doing the pursuing and he can act on it when and if he chooses, thus he holds the power over your feelings. That's how I took it anyway. This is how I knew my OM was interested in me...he was so friendly, went out of his way to see me and talk to me, complimented me like crazy, he asked me if I had been faithful in my marriage, gave me his e-mail and said maybe we can start with cyber sex and see how this plays out. He was not subtle at all. I definately knew he had an attraction for me. I had no confusion during this period of time. It was all very much fun and he would respond to every e-mail. We both knew there was an attraction. It remained like this for several months and didn't change until it became physical. If you are already feeling pain, crying, being confused at the beginning like this, I think maybe you should just let it go. This should be the best part you know. Anyway, just my opinion. I feel for you, because like me you probably weren't looking for this and it's way easier to go through life without it. Put your energy into your H and your kids. That is what I'm doing now. It is better for everyone. Stop e-mailing him, see him on the 7th and talk to him then. See how that goes. Maybe you will have your answers then. Good luck, C