Wanting to feel DESIRED!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2011
Wanting to feel DESIRED!
3
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 12:34am

So I keep thinking that if I am desirable to another man then maybe I can more fully get over exAP.  It's been a full month now and no word from him. Not that i would let him back in but I just wanted him to want me...I wanted to be the one to say "screw you".

SO I met someone on AM who seemed really great on paper (err or screen). Met him the other night for a drink. Surprisingly, he was very attractive, well dressed and all in all blew me away at first. He is very well spoken and well educated with his own business...all of these things were turn ons but...he says his wife is "overseas" which is a huge red flag. Also, he completely lied about his age. He is MUCH older. I didn't care. I just wanted this guy to be a sort of rebound. I thought he would want me and chase me a little...nothing serious...so that I could feel a little bit desired. Well, he bought me a few drinks and we kissed. He wanted more but I said no and left. I emailed him right afterwards and said that he was far too fascinating and attractive for a girl like me to trust. Then he said he realized a long time ago that he's not for the "faint of heart". To which I replied "Is that a challenge? :smileywink: "

No word from him after my last email. Nothing. My ego has taken a big hit. Now it's worse because not only do I feel rejected by AP but now THIS guy has sort of rejected me as well. LOL I guess it's a downward spiral.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 9:03am

 

I understand wanting to feel desired, I think most people do. Or, at least, I do. And I don't get that from my husband either.

But, I guess I'm confused by you. Didn't you post a thread about being upset b/c your husband didn't plan a romantic anniversary weekend, instead he planned a zoo outing for the whole family?

Where was your husband when you met this new AM guy? Did you ever meet your ex-AP during the weekends or at night - or when your husband was home? I really think we're not as adept as hiding things as we think we are. If you were out meeting your exAP, or this new guy, while your husband was sitting home, don't you think that says to him that *he* doesn't matter all that much?

I don't think I'm explaining this right - I just can't help but think you could spend the time with your husband, trying to reconnect (it's not going to happen in an afternoon if you haven't felt close in years.......and have been cheating) rather than trolling AM and meeting up with someone. Why doesn't the effort go into your husband?

And if you can't make more of an effort towards your husband, and feel you need to have an affair to feel alive and desired, maybe you should seriously consider divorcing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2011
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 7:23pm
Peppermint -

Let me explain...my husband is also emotionally distant. Add that to the fact that he's not always here (he works away for a few days a week) and I feel very down and lonely. Especially bc the A is ending. I just wanted to have a rebound so I can get over AP. The reason I want to get over AP is to get closer to H. I know that sounds wrong but it's honestly the solution I came up with. Didn't work. The guy is a player anyway. Made me feel worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 10:24pm
I am no longer in As but...when my first one ended I was in such a state of desperation to feel better that I went out and rebounded. Twice. Did end up with someone who filled every void I thought needed filling. And in fact, he was so available, attentive and excited by me that I resented hIm because that's how I wanted my first AP to be. Eventually I cut it off and never looked back. A year out I am able to look back and see clearly what a crazy fog i was in, thinking i had every right to cheat and cheat on my H...and i see that rebounding didn't work. I don't regret my first A and never will but i regret the rebounds and now i just can't believe i carried on like that and didn't even care! I plead insanity. Being in the A-state can really impair your judgment and grasp on reality.