Way too soon..

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Way too soon..
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 8:11pm

17 days into this and I get hit with the heavy shtuff.  It's funny.  I sat there with the doctor, with a smile on my face because I'd spent the entire morning with my cowboy and the doctor looks at me, sighs heavily and says, "Normally after talking to my patients about the issue that brings them in, I tell them it's all perfectly normal and not to worry.  But with you, none of this is normal and I'm going to order tests."   I told him he really knows how to wreck a girl's day but I wouldn't hold it against him if he came back with news that I could handle.

I went home early and H was there.  He didn't ask me how the appointment went.  I went upstairs and started cleaning the kitchen.  That's when cowboy texted me asking if I was still smiling so I told him that I just had a mean nurse attack me with a needle and he asked if everything was okay (he knew I was going but I kind of lied and said it was routine).  I told him that everything is okay when I'm around him.  I don't have any pain.  I'm not scared or worried.  Not around him at least.  I bury it deep and just lose myself in how happy he makes me feel.  What I didn't tell him was when he leaves, it's like a Mack truck hits me and by the time I get home that evening, I feel like I've been dragged over rocks by a wild mustang.  And then I start thinking about how this is just way too soon for him to be thrown into something this scary and he could just vanish.  I guess that's when that stupid Realistic person in me says if he does vanish, he wasn't worth it but damn, she starts telling me that it's not really right to even want him to go through this.  It's too soon for something this heavy :smileysad:

3 hours later H asked me what the doctor said.  I told him I had to go for more tests and if it's what my mom had when she's my age that I'll just have surgery and take care of the issue permanently.  His response?  Wouldn't you have to miss work if you had surgery?  Who would take care of the kids?  Ok.  So he's worried it'll create more work for him and Cowboy is worried about me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to:
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 9:54pm

I'm sorry you have had some scary news.  It's hard to deal with the fear, and I think it definitely makes you want run and wash away the worries in the feel-good stuff of the A.  I don't think it was a coincidence that my A started within a year of my mother's diagnosis of stage 4 cancer and learning that my daughter has a rare, life-altering genetic syndrome.  My A was not a good idea, but looking back, it was the only joy I had during that time, and maybe it helped me deal with the acute depression.  I'm glad to know you have somebody to turn to who can make you smile during the hard times.

"His response?  Wouldn't you have to miss work if you had surgery?  Who would take care of the kids?  Ok.  So he's worried it'll create more work for him and Cowboy is worried about me."

I think it might be a little unfair to contrast their responses.  Cowboy has the leisure of only needing to worry about you.  He doesn't need to think about who will watch the kids, or how the bills will get paid.  Please don't get me wrong, your husband's apparent disinterest in your appointment was not acceptable, and I can understand how it would hurt you.  But it is just too easy to put these APs on a pedestal by comparing them to our real life struggles with our real life partners.  It would be impossible to determine how he would act if he were in your H's shoes.

The whole post was sort of cryptic so I'm not sure I understand exactly what is going on, but I do hope it is a false alarm and you can get back to the lighthearted fun part. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2008
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 9:07am

Hi Cowgirl,

I'm mostly a lurker, although I have posted in the past.  I am a MW 4-1/2 years into my A with MM.  It was somewhat on again/off again because of his feelings of right and wrong, but we have been in a good place for a while now and I know it will continue this time.  About two years ago he found out he had cancer, and then while he went through treatments we didn't see each other for about 10 months.  It was very bad for him and I only heard from him about once a month via group email on his condition.  It was SO hard.  I could reply to him but only in very general terms and we have no friends or family in common from which to hear updates.  He never once left my thoughts and prayers.  My feelings for him didn't lessen at all, but grew stronger.  When he was well enough to see me again, he had lost 40 lbs. (that he really didn't need to lose) and had aged several years.  Did it matter to me?  Not in the least!!!!!  I love him more now than ever and am still just as attracted to him physically.  I have a feeling your AP will stick by you, too! 

I hope your worries are for naught and that things continue to go well with your cowboy!  (((HUGS)))