We didn't know it was an affair..
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We didn't know it was an affair..
| Thu, 11-27-2008 - 4:16pm |
Background: My BF (we'll call him B) is 40 and I'm 37. He has 3 kids and I have 1.
| Thu, 11-27-2008 - 4:16pm |
Background: My BF (we'll call him B) is 40 and I'm 37. He has 3 kids and I have 1.
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I'm sorry you're going through this, but BIG RED FLAGS? This has to be the most creative story I've read so far on this board. Is this for real? The truth can be stranger than fiction, but this story is just bizarre. If you truly are mixed up in this, then you need to get away as fast as you can go.
He didn't know he wasn't divorced? Please, you can't possibly believe that. There is paperwork you are sent when it's final. You're divorced - you know that. He never once asked what was happening? Never once checked with the lawyer? I call BS. There's no way he wouldn't once ask or check up on the situation. Especially as you said he claims she's lazy and manipulative. The lawyer who was paid to represent him didn't phone and ask why haven't the papers been filed?
Then suddenly, he finds out he isn't divorced, after 18 months and because he isn't divorced he wants to reconcile? Even though he's been with you for more than half of that?
I'm not sure what part of this story I disbelieve the most. The fact that he didn't know he wasn't divorced, the fact that suddenly 'discovering' he isn't divorced, he's going to MC with his (now not x)W or that you buy any of this c**p.
You can't possibly buy into any of his story? He was busted by you and spun you a line and the most imaginative one I've heard for a long time. Run away from him and run fast.
Pisces
(edited to fix whatever when wrong with my siggie)
Edited 11/28/2008 4:52 am ET by pisces2008
First, I'm sorry you are going through this. If it were me, I would probably take myself out of the equation to allow him to deal with his baggage with his W and to give him space to figure out how he really feels rather than just waiting for a decision. I know I like to be proactive and feel in control, so that's what I would do. You will have to do whatever works for you, even though I know this is a very though situation.
I think it's a good idea to not date him at all, honestly. Give him space to figure out what he wants without having the benefit of being able to go back and forth between the two of you. If he decides he want to be with you, he can always try to come back to you then.
In the meantime, you should date and live your life. If he makes the decision that he does want to be with you, hopefully you will still be available then. If he makes the decision to reconcile with his wife, then at least you've already started moving on and will not just be sitting around waiting for him to figure out what he wants. And if he feels upset about it, that's really tough cookies and really unreasonable for him to expect you to give him space to explore his feelings for his wife, if you're not allowed to do that with other people as well.
Either way, this is a really sucky situation and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it.
Oh Pisces,
I know it sounds crazy but it's true.
If I were you, I'd run as fast as I can from this man...I agree with PP, this is the most bizarre story, and a very twisted one. Seems to me they were separated (or maybe even not, as he is home only 5 days a month), he started moving on and date you to test the waters how it would be if he'll get divorced, now they decided to reconcile.
Move on with your life. It's just not worth it. If you're single, you'd be much better off seeing single people. Let him sort his things out. If he decides to come back, then you'll deal with it.
(((Hugs)))
Vivacious
Even if I believed the whole story the part where he finds out he is married after thinking he was divorced for 18 months and the fact that he would immediately go to marriage counseling is beyond odd.
The checks could be the monthly stipend he gives his W to run the household since like you said he is out of town all month but lives downstairs when he is in town.
I have to agree w/ the rest of the posters, this story doesn't pass the smell test. Regardless if you busted him, or he was telling the truth, he has put you in a bad situation. I have to say that discovering after 18 months that you're not really D, does not make one rush off to MC. That's just crazy.
I am sorry to say, and I really don't want to hurt your feelings, but it sounds as though he has already made his choice, his W. He is tagging you along in case things don't work out w/ her. Just as the rest of the women on here, me included (well not anymore) your playing second fiddle. You are his contingency plan. Besides, how can he effectively attend MC if you are still in the picture? He wasting your, his, and the W's time.
Let me tell you from experience dating a MM, and being S sucks! You have so much more time on your hands than he will, and you will find your self sitting around waiting on him to find time for you. It's no kind of life. And don't he have his nerve getting upset that you might begin dating others. He LIVES w/ his W, and kids, and your suppose to be home waiting for him. THAT is a cake eater for real.
There is a lot of intimacy that goes along w/ reconciling. They are living again as H and W, and I am sure that you understand that that will involve sex. Can you take that? You really need to sit down w/ yourself, and honestly evaluate your situation. Regardless of how you reached this point in this R, you are here now, and all the good intentions go out the window.
I hope that you will be able to figure out whatever it is that is best for you. Good luck.
He says they are not reconciling yet and don't know if they will.
My question is were you aware that he still lives in the same house as his wife? Because you don't mention that until later on in the thread.
I agree with most on here. This is just a little too bizarre. If you are supposedly divorced for 18 months, then find out you're not, why would you all of a sudden start going to counseling and consider reconciling? AFter 18 months, the initial shock of being divorced will have worn off, you would be moving on, the "mourning" period would be over. So any normal person would say, well, let's get on with it then. Let's get it filed and over with. Not, well, let's see if we really want to get divorced. It's not that I don't believe his story. I think you've convinced me that he did believe it was final. But I just don't get this sudden turnaround in his thinking and actions. That part doesn't make sense in any way.
But regardless of why he's being so bizarre, I would step away from the relationship. It's clear he wants to explore that option while getting a lil sumthin, sumthin on the side from you, whether that be sex, companionship, romance, what have you. Don't sign up for this nonsense. Send him a real clear message..THE ANSWER IS NO. Show him that you're not going to cosign his desire to be a cake eater.
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