WE HAD A BABY TOGETHER!!!
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WE HAD A BABY TOGETHER!!!
| Sun, 10-05-2003 - 9:29pm |
I need some serious help deciding what to do about a very long term relationship/affair I have been having. My own marriage is over because of it, yet my partner is still married and has every intention of remaining in his marriage, even though we have a child together.
Now that I am a single mother, it has been become more difficult than ever to maintain this relationship, when my life is one hardship after another, while my partner continues to live his life as he always has.
While I'm at home taking care of our young child on the weekends, he is off with the one he refers to as his "life partner"....socializing, traveling, etc.... And he doesn't fully understand why I am so full of anger, hurt, and resentment.
So in attempt to be fair to me and at his encouragement, I accepted a date with another man. He was SO HURT AND UPSET when the day of this first date came along, that I ended up feeling SO BAD that I cancelled the date, because I love him so much and didn't want to hurt him.......yet he was off making love to his wife that VERY NIGHT. This is just once instance of the DEEP PAIN that I so often have to deal with!
The problem is that we love each other so deeply and completely that neither of us can let go!
We keep trying and trying to end it....at least once a week anymore we find ourselves crying and trying to say goodbye, but we find we can't stay away from each other for ANY period of time! Neither of us has ever known the kind of love we have found with each other. It is a once in a lifetime love, something so special and unique...I doubt that many would understand the kind of connection we have with each other. We are best friends, we support and encourage each other..we know ourselves BETTER because of each other...and we both feel we NEED each other and can't go on without the other in our lives! I can't go on living in this situation, though. It is killing me!! I REALLY LOVE THIS MAN, and LOSING HIM WILL BE THE GREATEST LOSS I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE!
Up until now..I have had no one to talk to about this. We have had ONLY EACH OTHER TO TALK TO..and we obviously aren't getting anywhere! I hope there is help out there. I'm open to any advice or support any one has to offer to help me through this! Thank you!!
Now that I am a single mother, it has been become more difficult than ever to maintain this relationship, when my life is one hardship after another, while my partner continues to live his life as he always has.
While I'm at home taking care of our young child on the weekends, he is off with the one he refers to as his "life partner"....socializing, traveling, etc.... And he doesn't fully understand why I am so full of anger, hurt, and resentment.
So in attempt to be fair to me and at his encouragement, I accepted a date with another man. He was SO HURT AND UPSET when the day of this first date came along, that I ended up feeling SO BAD that I cancelled the date, because I love him so much and didn't want to hurt him.......yet he was off making love to his wife that VERY NIGHT. This is just once instance of the DEEP PAIN that I so often have to deal with!
The problem is that we love each other so deeply and completely that neither of us can let go!
We keep trying and trying to end it....at least once a week anymore we find ourselves crying and trying to say goodbye, but we find we can't stay away from each other for ANY period of time! Neither of us has ever known the kind of love we have found with each other. It is a once in a lifetime love, something so special and unique...I doubt that many would understand the kind of connection we have with each other. We are best friends, we support and encourage each other..we know ourselves BETTER because of each other...and we both feel we NEED each other and can't go on without the other in our lives! I can't go on living in this situation, though. It is killing me!! I REALLY LOVE THIS MAN, and LOSING HIM WILL BE THE GREATEST LOSS I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE!
Up until now..I have had no one to talk to about this. We have had ONLY EACH OTHER TO TALK TO..and we obviously aren't getting anywhere! I hope there is help out there. I'm open to any advice or support any one has to offer to help me through this! Thank you!!

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oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you , how strong you must be and I can only imagine how much you must be going through, with the pain to be so unbearable at times....
if you ever need to talk pls. email me at ec08082002@yahoo.com, if nothing else I will be there to just listen, hope this will help some.
I really don;t know what else to say....I just wish he woudl choose, that he would choose you , for the love of the child you both have together....at one point I had feared ot be pregnant and I imagined what would happen. I knew what I would have hoped for , for him to leave his life and start a life with me....but I guess there would not have been a good foundation for this, would it?.....I know how much you must love him....and how you hold onto the hope of what if....it sounds like he is really torn....and thihs way is the only way he will ever be able cope with it....that this will be the only way he can life with himself. MAybe this is his only choice...it will be up to you to decide if this will be your acceptance....take time and be patient to youself....Big hug......E
1. You should have never cancelled the date because of HIS "feelings". He doesn't consider your feelings when he's off with his "life partner". Going on that date would not have hurt his "feelings", only his EGO. Let me elaborate on this one. Often times when our ego is hurt, we mistake it for our feelings being hurt. I must be clear that our true feelings are very different from our egos. Our ego is our selfish part that we get our self esteem from and it is very difficult to distinguish between the two. Our feelings for others involve our genuine care and concern for them over ourselves (ourselves involves our ego). So if he really cared, your well being and happiness would be rightfully put ahead of his ego/feelings.
2. You said, "my life is one hardship after another, while my partner continues to live his life as he always has." That doesn't sound like love to me. Sounds again like his own selfishness. What is he or has he done to try to releive your "hardships"? If he really cared, he would have been busy trying to make things easier for you and HIS child. Is he paying child support? If not, I suggest you get a court order because it sounds like he may not have any intentions of doing so.
3. "While I'm at home taking care of our young child on the weekends, he is off with the one he refers to as his "life partner"....socializing, traveling, etc.... And he doesn't fully understand why I am so full of anger, hurt, and resentment." Of course he doesn't understand because he's not trying to see things from YOUR important point of view.
4. You said, "The problem is that we love each other so deeply and completely that neither of us can let go! We keep trying and trying to end it....at least once a week anymore we find ourselves crying and trying to say goodbye, but we find we can't stay away from each other for ANY period of time!" <--- Sweetie, that's passion, lust, and strong attraction, NOT love. True love really does care for the other's well being, happiness and best. It is very easy to mistake passion and strong attraction and lust for love. Please don't be deceived about it any longer. Open your eyes and ask yourself some hard questions about this and about yourself and what you really want. Make a list of ALL of the things you would want in a relationship and then ask yourself if he's giving you that. Chances are, he's not giving you the ENTIRE list. You have to be honest with yourself and make decisions based on your honesty and what you really want.
5. "Neither of us has ever known the kind of love we have found with each other. It is a once in a lifetime love, something so special and unique...I doubt that many would understand the kind of connection we have with each other." <-----I don't doubt you two have a special "connection", but I seriously doubt it is real love. I suspect that you two have had wonderful sex and he is a good sensual sexual lover. You two probably can talk w/each other about any and everything under the sun, but don't mistake that for the type of love you need and deserve.
6. "We are best friends, we support and encourage each other.." <----What type of support and encouragement has he given you lately? How does he support you? How does he encourage you? Is he actively doing something to make things better for you? You have to ask yourself these tough honest questions.
My advice may sound harsh, but I say you dump him, make him pay child support, and don't give him any part of your heart until he starts making sacrifices for you. You had a steamy affair with this man, you made a connection, you made a baby, but I doubt he loves you like you need it.
Laugh![Smiles]()
I have to agree with the last poster on your other man is benefiting from this
affair all the ways 100% while your dealing with his child and raising as a single
mother (Your words) I understood you chose to have the baby and Im sure you wouldnt
give him or her up for the world but maybe you should revaluate your situation.
Im sure he is a wonderful person and tells you everything he wants you to hear
while he is with you and then goes home to his Life partner and tells her the
same thing. Its not fair that you should put your life on hold and your chance at
being happy and giving your child a normal family with some one else to raise them
as their own. There are men out in this big world who will love you and take on
the role model of a responsible adult who will love you and consider you his
life partner not just a person he give attention to when he has the extra time.
I know love is a strong emotion and will make you happy one minute and sad the next.
Ask your self what your missing out on, Was he there for his childs birth? If he was
will he see its first step? and not have to leave because his time with you two is
over! If he loves you so much why dont he leave his wife? If you are so connected
then he would have left the minute you said you were going to have his child but he
didn't why not? Because he wants the best of both worlds and as long as you continue
to let him have it then you will live in misery and is it fair to this innocent precious
child you chose to bring in this world to have to wait for his father? Till he has time
in his schedule to come and see him. If this keeps up you will become more and more
miserable and it will be picked up by the child. I suggest you seek counceling and
maybe go to some self esteem course and go on with your life with out him. If he
chooses to leave his comfort zone then YES he did love and if not take it as a learning
and loving experience. You learned that he was not for you and you got a loving
child out of it. Dont let him do this to you, Take a stand and demand a conclusion
to this ordeal.
I hope this wasnt to harsh but I was a young mom and in your position but I refused
to let my life pass by me and my child. I made the decision my self and left to live
my life for me and my child. Im happy my child was happy and has a great step father
who raised him to be fine young man and he calls him dad and calls his real dad by his
first name..............
Life.
I totally agree with lifecanbehard and hisgoodgirl...they have a point. Basically do not let your life revolve a man. He obviously is not considerate of your feelings if not he woul do that to you. And you cancelled a date becuase he was hurt - well arent you hurt when he makes love with his W? Does he still have it - I think so.
You need to go out and let him have responsibility of his child and YES pay child support and anything else you can get out of him.
Its not fair for you. Its not healthy for you to sit around and let your years go by thanks to this man who is enjoying life. If he so much loves you like he said he would he would leave his wife. Whats his reason being with her and not you? Does she know about your child??
Im not here to judge you - but its obvious this is not fair. This is a support group and we are not here to be mean or ugly. I hope you did not take anything the wrong way but like the other post said take a step back and observe.
I wish you the best.
-Sandy
just from your post i can tell your attachment to your MM is very deep, especially because of your child together. BUT YOU CANNOT LIVE YOUR LIFE "waiting" for him -- to stop by, to spend time with you and the child, to eventually leaving his "life partner", whatever. he is NOT there for you.
your MM is being supremely selfish about his life. please look at your life -- you can't even plan to go out and have a nice evening without your MM getting SO HURT AND UPSET! what right does he have to even tell you those kinds of feelings when he is living his life -- companionship, sex, travel partner, etc. he is denying you a full and happy life. it's totally up to you if you let him. and since up to now you have let him have control of your life, it's your decision whether to continue living an empty life with only your child for comfort.
please think about what you want and expect out of life. your MM is NOT giving you anything but heartache. you must decide what is best for YOU, not HIM.
good luck,
gurl
But you are right..he is not there for me, and if he ever was...it was always around the W's schedule.
I don't think he was denying me the full life..I think I denied myself that because I wanted to be exclusive to him...I didn't WANT to be with anyone but him.
I always knew I had control of the situation, and my own life...however, I made the conscious decision to live the empty life for so long because I loved him so much
...but that has changed now..because I can't continue to be alone all the time, sad and miserable...constantly thinking about the life he lives without me.
So yes...this will be best for me, and I look to the support from people like you to help me through this!! THANK YOU!
Trust me...I am not taking anything as being mean or ugly. My situation is ugly!
AND I thank everyone who has posted and given me advice. It's like everything else..when it comes to advice...you take what you need and leave the rest!The support and the feedback I have received so far from here has given me the strength to do what I should have done long ago, SO THANK YOU!!!
You asked about his reasons for NOT leaving his wife....Many, I'm sure...
May it be fear, or a long history together, or children (they are his stepchildren..his only natural child he ever had is mine), or friends, acquaintances, a lifestyle, a home...i guess the reasons don't even matter. He made a choice to stay in his marriage, over having me and his son in is life, so it's apparent that he doesn't want us in his life bad enough to make any sacrifices for us, which means that what everyone is saying is true....we are the seconds..the lesser priority...we are not loved enough.
I need not feel so belittled....we DO deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!
My son is this amazing, vibrant, energetic ball of fire...SO SWEET..SO FUNNY...SO LOVABLE...SO BEAUTIFUL!!! so who is the LOSER HERE???
It is truly a shame that he will never see him again, or hear his laughter, or share in the special moments of his childhood.
I am surprised that so many have mentioned the child support! I don't want that because I want no further connection with him. Am I taking the wrong approach?? Am I allowing my bitterness and anger intefere with something that I should be considering for my son's well-being.
No ..his wife does not know. If she DID...I doubt she would stay in the marriage!
What I'd get more satisfaction from..more than him having to pay child support..is a forced custody arrangement, so that he would have to take some responsibility for our son once in awhile. Then I would have more time to get a life for myself. Why should he walk away from this scot-free????? Anyone have any thoughts on that??????
I'm so confused right now...just trying to get through this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with in my life!
But thanks to all for being here for me!!! (and yes I am VERY BLUE, but midnite =black + blue = beat up beyond all recognition!!!)
Today it ENDED FOR GOOD! BUT TOMMOROW IS THE START OF A NEW BEGINNING!!!!In order to help myself, I hope to help others who are going through the same heartache! BLUE
I hope that you read, and re-read, and re-read, and then completely memorize the post from Hisgoodgirl. It is an awesome post, and she's right on the money, and it's absolutely the best advice you will ever receive. Wish you the best.
Kari
It may be hard (emotionally) but you need to have paternity, custody, visitation and child support established. Depending on your state, you should also be entitled to pre and post natal care expenses (or at least 1/2 of your out of pocket expenses). I know you may not want to pursue these issues because you want a clean break from MM, but your child is entitled to the financial support from both parents. Remember though just because a visitation schedule is set up - it is a right of the non-custodial parent that the parent may or may not exercise. Basically - don't count on his participation in your son's life if he doesn't participate now.
Also, be prepared that he may threaten you that he will seek custody of the chid if you pursue this - take it for what it is - bull****. Remember you are the one who has cared for the child since day one - and only a CRAZY judge would give the absent parent custody over the one who has been there from day one.
Good luck with your new beginning.
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