WE HAD A BABY TOGETHER!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
WE HAD A BABY TOGETHER!!!
16
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 9:29pm
I need some serious help deciding what to do about a very long term relationship/affair I have been having. My own marriage is over because of it, yet my partner is still married and has every intention of remaining in his marriage, even though we have a child together.

Now that I am a single mother, it has been become more difficult than ever to maintain this relationship, when my life is one hardship after another, while my partner continues to live his life as he always has.

While I'm at home taking care of our young child on the weekends, he is off with the one he refers to as his "life partner"....socializing, traveling, etc.... And he doesn't fully understand why I am so full of anger, hurt, and resentment.

So in attempt to be fair to me and at his encouragement, I accepted a date with another man. He was SO HURT AND UPSET when the day of this first date came along, that I ended up feeling SO BAD that I cancelled the date, because I love him so much and didn't want to hurt him.......yet he was off making love to his wife that VERY NIGHT. This is just once instance of the DEEP PAIN that I so often have to deal with!

The problem is that we love each other so deeply and completely that neither of us can let go!

We keep trying and trying to end it....at least once a week anymore we find ourselves crying and trying to say goodbye, but we find we can't stay away from each other for ANY period of time! Neither of us has ever known the kind of love we have found with each other. It is a once in a lifetime love, something so special and unique...I doubt that many would understand the kind of connection we have with each other. We are best friends, we support and encourage each other..we know ourselves BETTER because of each other...and we both feel we NEED each other and can't go on without the other in our lives! I can't go on living in this situation, though. It is killing me!! I REALLY LOVE THIS MAN, and LOSING HIM WILL BE THE GREATEST LOSS I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE!

Up until now..I have had no one to talk to about this. We have had ONLY EACH OTHER TO TALK TO..and we obviously aren't getting anywhere! I hope there is help out there. I'm open to any advice or support any one has to offer to help me through this! Thank you!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 1:06pm
You are very welcome. And thank you for not taking it the wrong way. I had no idea and im sure many on this post he is his only son. WOW. and yet he still chose to be with her. Have you ever asked him why?? I know its better not to ask if you dont want to get ur feelings hurt.

Well as far as your child having no contact with him?? You think its fair?? It sould be different I think if ur MM did not want nothing to do with him. Example my ex wanted to be part of my sons life but a few months passed by he saw I was actually having a social life the weekends he had my son. Anyhow to make the long story short - he decided not to see him anymore it was his choice...not that I wanted him to see him to begin with. I do not receive child support or anything like that but the advantage to that no contact. I shortly found another man who raised my son since he was 2 and he thinks its his dad. I am no longer with him but it is this mans (ex) choice to be with my son and take over. Its not easy being a single mother especially of a boy - it was hard for me - i was thankfull I found someone who actually cared for my son as his dad. But I feel your son as well as ur MM you should give him that option. That way your son in the future cant acuse you of taking him away from his biological father. I dont know thats my way of thinking.

I wish you the best and I know its not east and very hard to let go and cut all communications with someone you love so much - but eventually u hurt so much and dwell over it that soon you will have the courage to move on. ONLY YOU WILL KNOW WHEN. It took me a while to move on even after everyone told me and told me he was no good. BUT eventually I did and I am as happy as can be. I live for me and my son.

Your son does not deserve to see you down and waiting around on this man.

HUGS - Sandy

and please dont put urself down - whether your blue or not - dont beat urself up - noone is perfect and everyone has issues...JUST MAKE URSELF HAPPY

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 2:02pm
Hi,



Leave him. He's wasting your time and his. Go on with your life. Good luck to you.


Bye,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 2:47am
Thanks again, Sandy,

I think I need to clarify something about his involvement with his son.

There will be no further contact..but that's his choice. He never really wanted any ties or to even establish a relationship with his son because he says he can't be part of his life, and I guess that's because he values his marriage more. Unfortunately he sees this as a great sacrifice that he is making; however, isn't it the other way around? Shouldn't he be willing to make SOME kind, ANY kind of sacrifices for his little boy? This will forever be a stake in my heart.

He hasn't even ASKED if he could stay in contact with his son.

Please understand that I am not trying to keep him from his son out of revenge.

If he wanted his son in his life, I would be fair about that, and give him whatever he wanted in terms of visitation, custody, etc.... But he doesn't!!!!

Everyone keeps asking me about child support! No, I have never asked him for a dime in child support; however he HAS given me money to help out with expenses for him.

This is ALL very complicated and there is so much more to the story where this child is concerned...

He loves our son dearly...and he loves me, too...but

we are not worth making any kind of sacrifices for. The reasons he has given me for having to stay in his marriage are not good enough for me. He is comfortable with where he is at in his life, he has a history with his w (married 14 or 15 yrs) and his stepchildren, he has his work, and he and his wife have a very active social life with circle of friends that they spend a lot of time with. He also said he doesn't think he has the energy to start over again. (but yet he seems to have PLENTY OF ENERGY when he is Making LOVE TO ME!!!!) SO....Do they sound like good enough reasons to you? Sometimes I think he is more worried about what other people will THINK of him....sometimes I think he is too weak or too scared......but mostly, I believe that he never had, and never will have any desire to share a life with me (or his son).

I often think that the love that you have for another is measured by WHAT you are willing to GO THROUGH or DO for that person!! In my case, I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM...there is nothing that is SO IMPORTANT that I wouldn't give it up for him. Unfortunately the feeling is NOT mutual!!!!!!!

It is important to me to have someone love me enough to be willing to do the same for me as I would for them. Plain and simple..he doesn't love me enough or love me the same.

yes..a hard pill to swallow.

I'm so happy that things worked out for you and your child!!

I can only wish those same things for myself.

Thanks again!

Blue
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 9:34am
MidNtBlue,

Please take it from someone who knows. GET CHILD SUPPORT!!!! He needs to accept some sort of responsibility for his actions. Sooner or later his bad deeds are going to catch up to him. Your son deserves and is entitled to that money. I feel that you are taking the easy way out by NOT pursuing this particular issue. Well, it's not that easy really.

Find a lawyer and do what's NECESSARY for you and your son to survive. Do yourself and your son a favor and start taking loving actions for both of you. Pursue the child support.

By pursuing this you will be sending some powerful messages:

1. You cannot make a baby and ASSUME you want nothing to do with it.

2. Married men should NOT be having unprotected sex w/other women.

3. We are all responsible for our own actions. Your MM sound very irresponsible and childish. He needs to grow up and having a child support action brought upon him will do him the favor of forcing him to start growing up. It'll also do those around him a great service by having him move towards adulthood.

4. Your son is worth a dirty fight to get what you know he deserves.

5. I could go on and on, but I'll stop here for now.

I hope you get the message.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 11:02am
This thread shows just how amazing all of you are when offering your support.

Hisgoodgirl, AMAZING post!!!

Midnightblue, I feel for you. And when it comes to the support you do what you can handle and what is right for you and your child.

I was in a similar situation with my first two children. Everyone said I should go after support. But this was a man who whether he just didn't want to be a part of their lives or couldn't, it was wrong. So I sat down with the lawyer and looked at my options.

Their father approached my lawyer about not wanting to have anything to do with their lives, and these were my options.

1. Get childsupport and if at any time in their lives he would like to see them again or go for joint custody he could because he has payed child support and the courts would look at that as him doing what he could.

2. Get no child support and if at any time he wants contact he would be denied in the courts because he was the one wanting to sign away his rights.

I chose option number 2. For one I was able to do it on my own, and although he is their biological father when a man indicates he does not want anything to do with the children, it shows that its better that the child is never around such negativity. That was my personal opinion. If I had chosen number 1, he would have say in their lives, I would have to contact him about every move we made, and he could have made our lives very difficult at one point.

If when my children are older and he wishes to be a part of their lives, I can't deny them that, that is their decision. Although my circumstance were pretty horrifying and I doubt my daughter will ever want any communication with him if she does, I will be supportive, honest about the facts, and simply be here for both of them.

So again, do what is right for you.

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 12:06pm
Blue...

Be strong its not an easy road being a single mom with a boy!! I have had my ups and downs but that only makes me stronger. AND THIS IS WHO I AM NOW.

I wish you the best for you and your son. Email me anytime if you dont want to post TXSandy_98@yahoo.com. I see you realize everything and your feet seem to be on the ground its just difficult just like that pill that was so hard to swallow - trust me I have been there and done that!!

I dont wish anyone wrong at all - but my saying what goes around comes around. YOUR Strong because I see it in your post - you do realize you and him are not on the same page as far as what you would do for him and what he would do for you.

CHILD SUPPORT - I could care less...I wish I had it - but you know its not worth the headaches. I rather have him out of my life and my sons life.

I wish you the best and be strong - go on with your life...have fun...dont wait till your old to realize it. One day you will laugh back at everything - I HAVE and I never thought I would.

Sandy




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