We love, we fight, and we love

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
We love, we fight, and we love
5
Mon, 11-16-2009 - 10:21pm

We keep doing the same old dance. I think that's just who we are.

We talked on the weekend (I had gotten my nose out of joint, again). We had a really great time together. It was just us, and one of his good friends...a really great time for all of us.

He told me that he will never leave me...it has to be enough. I have never loved a man like I love him. I have to keep him, whatever way he's comfortable with. I just love him too much.

It makes me weak, and I really don't care anymore.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Mon, 11-16-2009 - 10:40pm

Of course he'd never leave you. Why would he? Who else will love him as much as you do, and will expect as little as you do? Who else will tell him how wonderful he is? Who else will put her whole life on hold while he is reveling in his?

Benska, you are woman of such great qualities, so giving, so loving and so humble. It is truly heartbreaking to see you're doing all of it to yourself. I'd say no more.

Love,
GbG

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Mon, 11-16-2009 - 11:31pm

Hi Benska,


I'm so glad to hear from you. I've been thinking of you and wondering how you were. My mind sometimes gets to where you are but for some reason I cant allow myself to stay in that mindset. I love AP so much just as you do but I want more. He says he does but he will have to prove it.


He will have to make a choice. Either it's

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 6:44am

Benska, unfortunately i have to say that i fully agree with Gonebabygone..


Sigh..


More importantly,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 2:23pm

I do understand what you're saying, but it doesn't change the facts.

Yes, he is living the life of Reilly. Why would he ever leave indeed? He does have it all. A wife who isn't, his home, and a woman who thinks he is amazing and wonderful (well, most of the time anyway). Who in his right mind would leave?

I have nothing else going on in my life. The prospects of finding someone else to love are extremely slim (to none). Am I selling myself short? Probably. Yes, I hope that one day I will find someone who will put me first..too bad I couldn't love the husband that I had, who DID put me first...almost always.

Having gone through everything that I have, I still don't think I would change it. Regardless of the fact that my lover will (probably) never leave his wife, what he has taught me about myself is probably more important than even the way I feel for him.

The job search is still a bust. I finally got an interview, but didn't get the job. Everything else in this town is in the service industry and those kinds of jobs will not even look at my resume. Finance and service just don't go together I guess. I will have to do some creative rewriting of it I think. Heck, I might even entertain downright lying at this point! I haven't given up.

If worse comes to worse, I have family that I can move back to. Family who want me with them. I'm lucky I have people and I know it. I am trying to change my outlook, and just try and look at the bright side of all things. It's WAY better than being depressed all the time.

benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 10:56am

*Everything else in this town is in the service industry and those kinds of jobs will not even look at my resume*


Benska, have you ever considered looking for jobs AWAY from your town? (also because you talk about possibly relocating anyway)? Looking for jobs in a bigger city nearby? I do think this could be a chance for "taking your life in own hands again