we said good bye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
we said good bye.
16
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 4:19pm
i called him today. we talked for a while about many different things. he's a former athlete, he's really into what he use to do, but he wants to train. the training would be for his church. he said to me, i can't do good for other people, look in the mirror at my self, feel good about myself if i'm not doing right. he's right. he always tried to block his feelings off from me, fight them, we've gotten way to close. he wants to do the right thing, he wants to have classes for his church. he's very religious. i told him i have a small christmas gift for him that i would like to give him. i know he wont see me so i can give it to him. i told him that i loved him, i know this is the best for the both us. i told him, i wont messanger him, or email him. we talked for 2 hours, i didn't want to let him go, and i cried. we said our goodbyes. it didn't end bad or nasty. he said to me he never wanted to hurt me in any way. i told him we've tried before, but never could make it work because we had easy access to one another. now we don't. i know it's good bye for good.i just wish i never fell i love with him. i never felt this way about any other man in my life. i wish him the best, and god bless him.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 4:26pm
Give it a week. You two will be back at it again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 4:37pm
this time i know it's for good, i'll tell you why. we don't work across from one another, we don't have easy access to see one another. i told him i'm blocking him from my email and messanger. he said he wont block me. this time it's good bye. i know if i emailed him or messaged him, he would talk to me. i'm going to stay with his wishes. he can't do right with teaching other people to do right, if he's not. it's time to let him go, he's to conflicted with his emotions. 3 months ago i wish he would've let me go, and decided then to let us be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 4:55pm
okay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 6:39pm
i just wanted to say, to those of you who have offered your support in the last almost 2 years, thank you. i keep on checking my pc hoping maybe he changed his mind, even though i know he wont. i haven't really cried to much yet, but in know i will. thank you all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 9:47pm

Hi Tori,


If he changes his mind would you consider picking up where you left off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 10:15pm

Tori, sorry for your pain. I don't even want to go where I consider breaking it off with my AP.

You said in one of your posts on this thread "i told him i'm blocking him from my email and messanger." then in another " i keep on checking my pc hoping maybe he changed his mind".

If you've blocked him, you're not going to know if he changed his mind.

Each day you don't have contact with him will make it easier.

Pisces

pisces
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 10:16pm
jen, thank you for your post. yes he's pulled back in the past and i've come back to him, or i've pulled back and have gone back to him. the last time he pulled back, and after 24 days, which has been the longest he came back. it's been both of us and it hurts. this time, i don't think he'll come back. he started going to church again and he's going to start free training of classes for his church. he can't expect to teach people to do right, if he's doing wrong. it hurts, but we both know it's the right decision. he feels a lot of guilt. he told me every time something goes wrong in his marriage and life, i have to handle it and not run to you. he told i deserve better then that, and he keeps on hurting me. not on purpose. he's not playing games on purpose, it's his guilt. he's having a hard time handling both relationships. i told him, he wont get any emails from me or nothing on messanger. as bad as i want to, i can't. i told him i'm not going to beg you to stay in an affair. like i said i wish 3 months ago, he would've let me go. the pain is to much. he told me today, he feels he's not worthy of my love because he can't give me what i deserve. that's a man to be 100% committed to me. to love me, honor me, cherish me. i'll never hate him, i'll always love him. he told me my feelings will get better over time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 10:20pm
i haven't blocked him yet. i don't have the courage to do it, even though i told him i would. i think he knows that to. i'm not ready yet to yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 12-06-2008 - 1:23am

Hi Tori,


Do you go to church as well?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Sat, 12-06-2008 - 2:01am

I am SO feeling you Tori. I know you probably read my post and know that AP, and I are no longer together.

The best advise that I can offer you is NC. I know the hardest thing to do right? But it really is key to letting the fog lift. It's very hard to see where you're going, and how you're getting there when the fog is so thick.

NOBODY loves their AP more than I do, but I refuse to be his dirty secret anymore. I know my situation is a little different than yours, so I can only tell you what I have experienced so far.

Yes, there is most definitely a void where he used to be, and yes, my heart feels like a blackhole, but I just keep pushing on. When the urge to call him comes I get angry, and it gets me through that weakness. I have even allowed myself to cry, and that's unusual for me.

I think keeping busy is key. The busier you are, the less you will wallow in your sadness. Try to remain positive, although I know how hard that is to do, especially during this time of year.

We are here if you need us.

Pages