we saw eachother again last night

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
we saw eachother again last night
5
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:12pm
i dont know what to think anymore...it seems as though H is disinterested in me on all aspects...when i talk i am lucky if he even pretends to listen to me...OM on the other hand...looks at me and even responds to what is coming out of my mouth...rather then doing the smile and nod thing the H does...we spent 3 hours together last night after work...he took me to dinner(something i havent had in a long time)...and we just talked...i love spending time with him...sometimes more for the conversation then anything else...after last week(our first physical night together) i wasnt sure how he would react to me at work...or outside of work either...but nothing really changed...its almost as though he is more attentive to me now...we spend lunch and breaks together...and go out after work...i guess what doesnt get me...is that...i dont feel guilty about it...i know i should...or at least im told i should...but after all of H's affairs(online and the physical ones)...i dont feel i have a right to feel guilty...i know that might sound wrong...and might be wrong...but its just i dont care to feel that way anymore...i spent years blaming myself for HIS disgresions...it had to have been something i did wrong...or wasnt providing him...or that i wasnt trying hard enough to keep him happy...im sick of being sorry for things...and i guess now maybe when i should be sorry...thats why im not...i feel more guilty over the emotional attraction then i do the physical...sex is just sex...hell my husband taught me that...but the emotions are what scare me...i dont love him...i dont know him well enough to say that...but i find myself overwhelmingly attracted to him as a person...and the more time we spend together...and stronger the attraction gets...all i know is when im with him...im happy when im with my H...i feel sick...emotionally and physically...i dont want him to touch me...and if he decides he wants to...i feel like im his whore...to provide him his jolly and then let him get on with the rest of his life...i dont feel that way with OM...he makes me feel attractive...sexy...wanted...important...i wont ask if im the only one out there who feels that...because it would be a dumb question...i dont even know where i am going with this...i just needed to let it out to someone....i guess you all could understand a bit more...being there or been there...thanks for letting me rant...take care talk soon...cryket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:25pm
I can totally understand everything you're saying because I feel the exact same way. My H and I had a really long talk last week about our situation and I told him I am not happy and he wants me to give him one more chance but the thought of it just repulses me. I don't want him anymore, he's hurt me too much. Anyhow know that you aren't alone and we're here for you whenever you need to think "aloud".

Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:53pm
Don't worry you are not alone...I feel the exact same way as you. I also work with my MM and love knowing we have a secret and the way he smiles at me when noone is looking. He keeps a candy jar on his desk. We keep it full of Hershey Kisses as a way to show we're thinking of each other. I snuck over to his house the other night...I felt like I was in high school again!! I'm 34 years old!

I am also in a rotten marriage and so is he. We call our A comforting and content. We can be ourselves without the negativity or harshness of our spouses. Do I love him?...no, not yet. Will I ever leave my husband?...probably not, I still love him even with his faults. But I love my relationship with MM and how happy it makes me feel. I'm not sure where my relationship is going, but right now I don't care. I'm just going with the flow and enjoying the happiness and our time together.

Good luck!

WM

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:02pm
I can totally understand how you feel about seeing OM. My problem is that I don't get repulsed at my MM, I just don't like him. I am only with MM because we have the children. My OM is so attentive and I know he is only that way because we agreed that we are using each other for the emotional support. OM is single and wants to remain single, but continues to tell me if I leave MM I can move into his home. He is very addictive, but I don't see myself leaving my MM for him. I have to consider the BIG PICTURE. So, I fake the excitement (not the orgasm) with MM. I think you should try to think about OM when you are with MM so he won't suspect anything. Or, have you already tried that and it didn't work?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:34pm
well i guess you could say i have used the memories of OM to comfort myself or whatever with my H...last night H decided after almost 3 weeks it was time for me to service him again(thats how i feel about having sex with him...im doing him a favor)...i couldnt even bring myself into it...i was not attracted to him...didnt really want to be with him...had a headache and had just a bad day all together...regardless he wanted his...so i gave into him...he got offended when i didnt get all into it like i used to...so as bad as i felt about it...i started to think about OM...what he would be doing to me at that moment...and it got me turned on enough to fake my way through sex with the H...i felt like it was wrong...but if he is gonna get pissy with me because he doesnt get me to do what he wants me to do..then ill do what it takes...OM and i are supposed to see eachother again tonight and all i feel is giddy inside at the thought of being with him again...i dont know if its just a phase im in...or as he says...i enjoy him because he is NOT my H...(yet he also understands why i wouldnt want to be with him)...i dont know...i feel as though i am ready to leave H...everyone has said to me...why have an affair...why not just leave and then start the relationship...and the only answer i can give myself is that i know i dont want to be with him...but im not ready to be without him yet...emotionally or financially...i start counseling tomarrow to work through some of my own issues(dont think OM will be a topic any time soon)...and i will see how i go with that...and i am working on saving up some money so if hard times hit i have it if i need it...then i will decide where to go next...for right now...im just trying to get through today
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 5:40pm
Cryket, I feel your pain. I am having the same problem with my H. No physical attraction. I think the hardest part is just kissing him. When I am kissing my OM, it is pure heaven--there's no place on the earth I'd rather be. On the other hand, kissing my H makes me feel almost repulsed. It is so, so sad to lose that feeling for someone that you used to be attracted to! But how do you get it back? The passion has been gone in my M for the past 3-4 years. I know that the euphoria stage of a R only lasts so long, it can't be healthy to feel repulsed.

I am like you, thinking more and more about leaving the M. I'm so, so scared to take that leap, and will try the counseling route for a while. Good luck with your session tomorrow. Definitely save up that money if the day comes!