we saw eachother again last night
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we saw eachother again last night
| Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:12pm |
i dont know what to think anymore...it seems as though H is disinterested in me on all aspects...when i talk i am lucky if he even pretends to listen to me...OM on the other hand...looks at me and even responds to what is coming out of my mouth...rather then doing the smile and nod thing the H does...we spent 3 hours together last night after work...he took me to dinner(something i havent had in a long time)...and we just talked...i love spending time with him...sometimes more for the conversation then anything else...after last week(our first physical night together) i wasnt sure how he would react to me at work...or outside of work either...but nothing really changed...its almost as though he is more attentive to me now...we spend lunch and breaks together...and go out after work...i guess what doesnt get me...is that...i dont feel guilty about it...i know i should...or at least im told i should...but after all of H's affairs(online and the physical ones)...i dont feel i have a right to feel guilty...i know that might sound wrong...and might be wrong...but its just i dont care to feel that way anymore...i spent years blaming myself for HIS disgresions...it had to have been something i did wrong...or wasnt providing him...or that i wasnt trying hard enough to keep him happy...im sick of being sorry for things...and i guess now maybe when i should be sorry...thats why im not...i feel more guilty over the emotional attraction then i do the physical...sex is just sex...hell my husband taught me that...but the emotions are what scare me...i dont love him...i dont know him well enough to say that...but i find myself overwhelmingly attracted to him as a person...and the more time we spend together...and stronger the attraction gets...all i know is when im with him...im happy when im with my H...i feel sick...emotionally and physically...i dont want him to touch me...and if he decides he wants to...i feel like im his whore...to provide him his jolly and then let him get on with the rest of his life...i dont feel that way with OM...he makes me feel attractive...sexy...wanted...important...i wont ask if im the only one out there who feels that...because it would be a dumb question...i dont even know where i am going with this...i just needed to let it out to someone....i guess you all could understand a bit more...being there or been there...thanks for letting me rant...take care talk soon...cryket

Love
I am also in a rotten marriage and so is he. We call our A comforting and content. We can be ourselves without the negativity or harshness of our spouses. Do I love him?...no, not yet. Will I ever leave my husband?...probably not, I still love him even with his faults. But I love my relationship with MM and how happy it makes me feel. I'm not sure where my relationship is going, but right now I don't care. I'm just going with the flow and enjoying the happiness and our time together.
Good luck!
WM
I am like you, thinking more and more about leaving the M. I'm so, so scared to take that leap, and will try the counseling route for a while. Good luck with your session tomorrow. Definitely save up that money if the day comes!