We were supposed to meet up...
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We were supposed to meet up...
| Fri, 06-05-2009 - 3:19am |
And it fell through.
AP and I were supposed to meet in a couple weeks. However, I suddenly had a bad feeling about it and decided it wasn't a good idea to follow through. He's very hurt and to be honest, so am I. However, I've ignored this feeling of something bad going to happen in the past and you know what? Something always DID happen. I refuse to ignore it anymore! I explained to him that perhaps we need to slow down a little bit and get to know each other better. He says he understands, but we are both terribly disappointed.
We aren't sure when we'll have another chance to meet. It could take as long as a year! I worry if we can maintain a relationship for an entire year with basically no physical contact. Is it possible?
He isn't a

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"He refuses to sleep with someone simply for the physical satisfaction. He wants an emotional connection too. (Yes, I realize he doesnt' sound like an ordinary guy"
Sorry, girlfriend. Several times I've had APs say things like this. You know what? They were lying. Every single one. No man refuses to sleep with a girl simply for the physical satisfaction. Not ever! They say that because they know that many (not all) women want to have some emotional connection before having sex. Men not only don't need it, they don't WANT it.
Just my .02 from the land of bdtd
-jana
I'm a little confused about your situation. It sounds like he's single and hasn't been in a relationship for a few years? Is this true? Are you the married one? And your relationship is strictly LD and emotional?
If this is what he's been saying, it just doesn't ring true. It kinda sets off all my alarm bells. It's very unusual for a guy to go years without a relationship. I'm not sure how you met him. If he's a previous boyfriend or someone you knew in real life, it calms down the alarm bells. But if he's someone you met online, it scares me. Sounds like he's telling you whatever you want to hear to get you to come to him (for what reason though - that's what I might be worried about).
I could be way off because I don't know the situation, but I'm glad your own intuition (which seems to be good!) kicked in for you too.
My advice is too listen to your gut feelings, which you have.
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
You have known this guy for only 6 months( i got that from your other post)and i guess,you are believing him way too much.Not the right thing to do especially when you are M and he S ( who knows? could be M).
Have you ever met him personally ,face to face ,in these 6 months?
Just because he 'says' all the stuff, you are going to believe it?Kidding,arent you?
Well, as for your worry "I worry if we can maintain a relationship for an entire year with basically no physical contact. Is it possible? ", It will be very unfulfilling,i promise.
Even in EA,you would want to see the real person,in flesh and blood,to be able to see each others face expressions,the smile,the sadness,the happiness to see you,the glimmer in eyes,the hesitation to say some thing,laughing out for seeing some thing together etc etc etc. --all the little things that make the emotional connection.
This A,IMO, will fade away soon just because you dont see whom you want to see.
There is FAR more to this story. However, I do not feel comfortable posting more information for fear someone may figure out who I am and who he is. I know that a lot of it sounds like b.s. when you read only what I feel comfortable writing here. There is a reason he hasn't been in a relationship for many years - but posting WHY will surely identify not only me, but him also.
I'm not a stupid young girl who's never been through an A before. I've been in one a few years ago. It ended mutually. I know what is bull and what isn't. I know the signs. Trust me. I KNOW.
I actually think the warning bells were going off because I think my H didn't believe what I told him as to where I was going. I have no warning bells where AP is concerned for many, many reasons. I'm being cautious and making sure we don't make a wrong turn somewhere.
Thank you all for your concern. But, I seriously have it under control.
Yup and my lover is one of them....we spend as much time together out of bed as we do in it...he treats me like a queen not just a sex machine--and believe me I enjoy every second we are together in or out of the sheets.
I kind of agree with funkygonepunky.
I am SM in A with MW for more than 20 years now,friends for some years before that.I am D,live alone.She couldnt leave her M for many reasons and i couldnt live w/o her.We live close by ,see each other nearly every day , exchange our thoughts,meet each others emotional needs ,laugh and sometimes cry together,stay in contact all the time.We dont spend nights together,no sex is involved.I dont go out with other women( my choice.I am totally committed to her).There are days when we cant meet as life comes in way but since its been so many years now,we trust the other completely ,no insecurities on either part.The part that we are not together 24/7 ,we equate with having a LDR but seeing one another ,physical presence is a must for us.It wouldnt have worked for us.
To your A i wopuld say,if you dont get to see him or him you,there will be a lot of frustration soon and will come out as the other not being caring/loving etc .The emotional connection you feel now,will become bitterness as he or you will long to see each other and when yoiu do get to see ( after a year or so IF it doesnt end before that)each other,it wont be what you wanted\.
Physical presence in an emotional affair is important.It wont work out for the long haul.
I love her smile,i want to see it.She loves when it when i tease her w/o saying a word, these small things bring you closer and you will miss them eventually and resent one another for not meeting your needs.
Its not like a RLR but its very satisfying to the core.I wont trade it for anything in the world.
PeAce.
WOW ! this is incredible!!
wheretogo09,
You said you and your AP are both disappointed.I guess full is right.You will feel more frustration down the road.
I've worried about not only the distance but the difference in our marital status from the get go. I feel very guilty that I'm keeping his life in a holding pattern. I feel bad that he isn't out trying to find the love of his life. I truly believe he will stay faithful to me because I truly believe he is commited to this relationship. But, how is it fair to him?
He assures me he loves me and has no issues with waiting. He tells me everyday that I have his heart and he has absolutely no interest in anyone else. I guess it's hard for me to imagine why a single guy who want to wait around for a married woman? Why not go out and find someone who is single? Someone you can have a life with RIGHT NOW?
We have discussed the disappointment we are both feeling right now at the "meeting" being canceled. We are also in the process of trying to figure out another time for us to get together.
I do worry about the distance. I worry that eventually, an EA won't be enough to sustain things. I try not to bring problems into things. Why worry about what hasn't happened yet?
:) these are all insecurities because of physical distance,believe me.I have been in your AP's shoes earlier on in my A.She felt it and i had my share.But gradually we decided to cut the distance short and be at peace once for all.The only difference between your AP & I ,among other things is that i didnt 'wait'.I came to accept the nature of our R.The 'wait' may never end or it may end tomorrow.Once 'wait' enters ( in respect to you ending your M and being free to be with him)the picture,it brings with it the never ending negative emotions with it which have highj chances of ruining the once felt good emotional connection.I didnt want to ruin what i had,neither did she.There are certain realities of life which you have to accept and take them as they come.
If your AP is despearte to have a 'normal' Rship then let him go now or he will put pressure on you and it will ruin everything.Another thing i want to add is he is choosing to have a Rship with you so you shouldnt feel guilty.If he makes you feel guilty,"I am S because of you","I am not having any R with any woman because of you","I want to do this but you are M " etc ,you feel my drift ,then this guy is not right for long term.
If he is staying,he is doing so because he wants to.He is a big guy!Its fair to him because he believes that being in this Rship is what he wants.
I guess its all about what is important to him in life.If he believes that what he is getting from you is much less than what he expects,he will leave soon and you dont want that guy ,do you?Its tough reaching that place of mind.I had a hard time myself ,deciding what was bvest to do.My friends/family were not supportive but i knew within my heart that no matter how strong i am ,inside and outside ,i had one weakness.
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