Weak in the knees this morning...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Weak in the knees this morning...
9
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 11:33am
When I hear his voice my world stands still for a moment! I love listening to mm's messages on my phone. Isn't this the way that the man in your life is supposed to make you feel? Why don't I feel this way when my husband calls? I've tried for the last two months to talk myself into loving him again and I just can't do it anymore. I hate myself for hurting him but I just can't let it go on any longer. I want to smile again. I want to sing out loud in my car....... Lately all I do is sleep. I'm so depressed. If I leave am I making the wrong decision?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:19pm
Hi Secret Pal,

I can't tell you if your making the wrong decesion only you can know for sure. Do you have small children?

I could have written your post and feel the exact same way. Whenever my phone rings at work,which is were OM calls me, my heart drops. Even if we just chat for 5 minutes he makes my day. On the other hand when H calls me only for somethings like Whats for dinner, I can almost feel nausous. Have you spoken to your H about your feelings? I recently told my H of 10 years that I'm not In Love with him anymore, I love him like a family member and were great parents together but that's it. He has been trying a little bit but his touch makes me ill. I cannot leave yet due to finances. I only work part-time and really can't do full time until at least the summer. Which is a timeline I set for myself to do something major if nothing changes. Part of me wants it to work but the other does not. I also have been taking sleep aids about 8:30 and passed out by 9pm so I'm not alone w/. H and I cry to myself all of the time.

If you would like to chat some more I can give you my email.

Idontknow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:24pm
hey take a breath secret! i want to hug you -- you sound so depressed!

only leave for yourself, not for the OM. if you're depressed, please see a therapist and talk about your feelings. if you're just not going to be happy with your H, let him know that. you always have choices and options. work out why you want to leave your M and if the issue(s) are not solvable, make a plan and leave.

it will hurt, but won't be the end of the world. you will survive and so will your H. think about what you want and then act on it.

best of luck sweetie,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 2:00pm
Thanks for the reply. I do have a young child. My biggest fear is that I stay because of him and 15 years from now I regret not having left. My husband and I have nothing in common but our son. I've told him I want to leave and he said he will accept any decision I make but he won't beg me to stay. He's trying so hard to be a good husband NOW. In my heart I feel that it's just to late. I look back now and realize that I should never have married him. But then we wouldn't have our son. I may ask for a seperation. I feel selfish. I feel like I can't make a rational decision because of OM. I try. I really do but OM means SO much to me. Maybe he's not "the one" either. But all I know know is I always want to feel the way he makes me feel. Also, tried counseling and SHE ACTUALLY WANTED ME TO STOP SEEING OM!!!! I just can't bear it. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 2:16pm
I think probably your H's voice did that to you when you were first together, didn't it? I know mine did. That's part of fading into a stable relationship. It's not really realistic to compare what we're going through now to what you feel in a long-term relationship, assuming your A hasn't been going on a long time. But yes, if you're suffering from depression, I'd say something needs to be done. If this is continuing for weeks and weeks on end, it's possible you might need professional help. Don't let yourself spiral down to the point where you are sleeping all the time and having suicidal thoughts. There is such a thing as situational depression. I've been through some ups and downs in my EMA (thanks to the fact that MM feels the need to jump into things quicker than he's ready, then pull back when the guilt sets in!), but one day stands out in my mind. It was a Sunday after he'd put me through a Friday of unexplained NC. I was so depressed, I just laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I didn't want to do anything, couldn't motivate myself to do anything. I just wanted to fade into oblivion. All the joy had been sucked out of life. I got on the Internet and looked up depression because I was terrified. It runs in my family. I was so worried this was how I was going to be. All the websites seemed to stipulate it needed to continue for a period of time, so I guess I was just depressed, as we all get sometimes, I just never had been depressed to the point of wanting to do nothing but disappear. Luckily it hasn't come back yet...that seemed to be my low point (so far). But the last thing I want is for this to put me into a condition that I'll have to be treated for the rest of my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 2:30pm
You could try another therapist. Not all of them will insist you stop the A before they continue to treat you (although I've heard that does happen a lot...). I think probably she wanted you to stop seeing OM because she wanted you to work out alone what you wanted from life without his influence. Of course, it's easy for an outside party to say, "Just stop." Not so easy when you're in it. But probably if you weren't seeing OM for a while, you could determine whether you are really truly unhappy in your M or if it's just the influence of OM. Someone mentioned something on the Ending Affair Support board about "cognitive dissonance." It's a psychological condition in which we convince ourselves of something to justify a behavior that might be against what we believe to be acceptable. So you might convince yourself you're in love and that your marriage is really bad because you're feeling bad about your A. That's just a theory, of course, but to a psychologist, in order to really determine if the A is the problem, they would need you to stop with the A...then if you're still unhappy, they'd know it wasn't the outside influence. Does that make sense? I know when my EMA first started, MM came at me with such romance and enthusiasm, that I very quickly had convinced myself my marriage was unhappy. But then he "cooled things down" and after a while of missing him and hurting, I started refocusing on my M. Now he's back full-force and I'm just really confused because in that interim, I was able to see my M as not a bad thing and the MM as not such a good thing. Because I'd convinced myself things were a certain way, when the MM pulled back, it created all kinds of confusion in my head. If MM had never pulled back, who knows what would have happened? I was truly ready to leave my M for him, but now I'm not so sure I'll ever do that. But if my H wasn't such a prince and MM wasn't such a louse, things would be a whole lot more confusing... You should probably ask yourself what will happen if you leave H and don't end up with OM. Could you handle life on your own, maybe starting over? Leave for YOU, not for OM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 2:41pm
I feel the same way about my MM. I can honestly say that when I see MM, my heart jumps. I never felt this even with my H. H and I have discussed divorcing, even though it's only been 3 yrs that we've been married. He said it'll have to be my decision, that he won't do it. At the moment, my finances aren't the greatest, and I figure within a year if I'm serious, I can leave. The hardest thing is my daughter. She adores her father. It'll hurt her, but I feel if I don't do this, I'm going to be miserable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 2:50pm
Situations like this make me glad that I am unattached and have no children. My MM causes me so much turmoil sometimes that I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with if I were in a marriage with children
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 1:57am
Beleive me, I am no expert in relationships - as I am involved with a MM. But these are the observations I have made.

You often hear of people that say they stayed together too long in an unhappy relationship/marriage. Some do it for the kids sake, some out of fear. Fear of loneliness, fear of failure, fear of the unknown. As for the kids, - they grown up and get lives of their own, then what is left for you? Do a couple stay together after the kids are grown and gone? Do they stay together out of habit - fear? or has the numbness consumed their souls to the point that the emptiness and loneliness are a familiar friend? Is love something that you fall in and out of during the course of a relationship? Is it like peaks and valleys? And what happens when the valleys become wider and the peaks are so far apart you can't see them anymore? Do you wake up one day and realize that you are someone who has taken up permanent residence in the valley? Is that the point when you ask yourself,"is this who I really am or is this the person I have becomewith this person? and can I live the rest of my life like this - or do you wonder where did the "old" you go? Is that part of you alive anymore or just buried deep beneath the hurt, pain, resentment? Is there something more out there, something more of "me"? Is there a "me" that is happier? As many of you know, the history between people is culivated over time, obviously it is one of ceremony or of tragedy. Is this dance performed with passion or ambivilance, just going through the motions. One can't possibly resolve themself to stay in a relationship simply because they occasionally get a fleeting glimpse of what once was.

When is enough, enough When there is NOTHING, when your significant other is no longer significant. When the only commonality is indifference, when "home" becomes a structure, when their pain and fear no longer affect you - or when you get some sense of justice in their pain and fear. When your words intentionally cut like a knife - focusing especially on their insecurities, when their absence is welcomed.

One of the worst feelings in the world is when you are in a relationship and you feel alone - not lonely, which is a fleeting emotion - but alone. You can be in a room full of people and you feel alone. An emotion that cannot be numbed - no matter how hard you try. It cannot be temporarily abated but it is ever present.

That is what makes us lose all sense of hope. The aloneness makes us abandon all that once important - we lose all passion for life. The despair takes over every aspect of our life - it is pervasive - it will eventually destroy the spirit resulting in a mere existence rather than a life.

I will get off my soap box now.

saatty


Edited 9/17/2003 2:03:00 AM ET by saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 10:00am
Saatty, Thank you! I love what you wrote. It's like you could see what's in my heart. I can't force myself to staty with a man I don't love. MM or not "I'M" not happy.