weekend decisions
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| Sun, 07-11-2010 - 5:36pm |
Happy Weekend all -
I've been keeping extremely limited contact with AP this week (he initiates all text, email, phone calls) - mostly for my own peace of mind while i work out where I am with things. If you missed my cap the other day - AP and I are both going through D - spouses know about the two of us and our A. The plan was to get through D's and at some point move on with life together. AP buckled a little this last week and began questioning if he should D. Caught me off guard a little since things for the last year have been so intense and connected for us.
At first I was completely offended - feeling that he had lied (duh) and betrayed me - his sudden pull back and lack of contact left me devastated and at first my reaction was to go nuts - the squirrels definitely had their share of nuts. and then I decided choosing (from all of your good advice) to pull back and let him initiate contact allowed me to gain some good vision to where I am - with or without him.
I don't want to lose him. I love him. Last night we talked for about an hour and I realized that maybe my answer is to just take a few steps back - take off the pressure of trying to be together and get back to just being friends first, lovers as a bonus. So for now - that's what I'm doing. I'm still not initiating contact (feel like this needs to be his choice - I'm certain of my choices in this) and if he doesn't choose me - then I move on. I'm not dead set in him having to be D'd - the truth is that I realized this weekend - he might not go that way - and I'm actually okay with the idea of his staying with her.
The idea of moving on without him hurts like hell, but I have a life outside of him that needs me to function - kids, job, school...all of it. I realized that I was a lot more sure in my own decision to D -
I realized too, that this past year with AP has made me so happy - it's made me more aware of my own wants and desires as well as my own belief that I can do whatever I set my mind out to do. I know there will be the inevitable lows - but today I'm feeling better about my own choice in this.




LLB,
That does sound like a rollercoaster of a time lately!
(((HUGS))) for all you're going through right now. I think you're gonna be just fine, whatever happens!
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
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