Weekend getaway...need help

Avatar for camilionag
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Weekend getaway...need help
20
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 4:00pm

Hello Everyone,


My bf and I do not live together but we talk all the time and spend almost every weekend together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 1:44pm

From previous "caught" stories here on this board:


1.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 4:27pm

I know you aren't here for any relationship guidance, but I hope you see that it's not really what we're giving. Do what you will with yours. However, having to put yourself in a very sticky situation when you don't even have to is where people are coming from. You are a free woman. You're not married, not engaged, not living with this person. So from our perspective, it seems kind of unnecessary to have to resort to all of this to enjoy the person you're having an affair with. I really don't get it. Seems to me you should be able to do whatever you want and go wherever you want without reporting to anyone. However...it IS what you're choosing to do, so I say this....what if your boyfriend wants to know where you're staying? How are you going to handle that? Because he just may. That being said, you're now pretty much married to this plan, so you have to just do it. I don't think any of us can tell you what is for sure going to work. The carry on bag is a good idea. Other than that, don't know what else to tell you.

As for using your boyfriends indiscretion of a year ago as your reason for getting away to him, I really think that is just not fair to him. You chose to stay in this relationship, it's been a year, YOU'RE the one that is now being unfaithful. For you to basically blame your need for a getaway on his past behavior seems really rather manipulative and low. I think you're stretching on that one. Just how I see it.

Avatar for camilionag
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 5:02pm

Wow there are so many misunderstandings in the replies I had better clear them up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 5:55pm

I know that this view is going to be different than the other posters, but it's how I see it.

I can understand why you don't leave your bf, it's because you love him. Just because you're not M, doesn't mean that you don't still love your b/f as much as a M person would their spouse, so that I get.

I also get the fact that he really hurt you, and now it's his turn to pay for that. Yes, you may have forgiven him, but that's not always an automatic pardon for past transgressions. If I had been cheated on, the old me would have cheated right back. It's kind of like a get out of jail free card. He can't say chit, because he did it too. I know that sounds immature, but I never claimed to be perfect.

The ONLY thing that I DON'T get is the fact that you think that you can go away on this great trip to Vegas w/ someone whom you have known in the past intimately, and think that nothing is going to happen. Come on now, it's starting to get deep in here. I need my boots. You know darn well that the alcohol will flow, and the laughter will be intoxicating in itself. Once your b/f is out of site he will most likely be out of mind. If you want something to happen w/ your exb/f just admit it, but if you're telling the truth about thinking that nothing will happen, then you are very naive, and I have this GREAT bridge in California that I'd love to sell ya.

Synopsis: Go to Vegas, tell him your going to Vegas w/ a g/f. Have fun, use protection. Get this "payback" over w/, and then work on your R w/ your b/f.

God I know that I am going to be SO unpopular for saying that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 6:02pm
Not with me... I don't think the payback will be as sweet as she supposes it will but I do think you're spot on that that's a big part of the reasonsing....
Carrrrrried...away2
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 6:21pm

Ok, your last message clarifies things somewhat.

Now I'm wondering if the guy we are calling AP is just a 'friend' what is the harm in telling your BF the truth? Seems to me, you're hiding this whole trip because you really feel like you have something to hide. I get the impression there is more to the 'friend' story though because after dating your BF for so long his name should have come up by now. If you have nothing to hide, don't hide anything. As said before, your BF betrayed you and you have been hurt by it. Why risk doing the same thing if you can be HONEST from the start. Then you don't have to back peddle down the road. I can hear it now 'It meant nothing, nothing happened, etc. etc. 'I think people on the board are trying to save you a lot of pain. There are a lot of experience people here who have given you some advice. You are lucky in your position to take control of the situation NOW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 3:53pm
Ok, well then if you're not cheating, then you're not cheating, so what is the problem here? Do you think your BF does not trust you enough to go somewhere with a male friend and not mess around? Or do you really want, deep down, for something to actually happen? I'm just a little confused by all of this. I mean, obviously, you want to spend some alone time with this man. More than just, say, meeting for lunch or dinner or something. You want to spend the weekend with him. But you say he's really only a friend, so I just don't get the need for all the subterfuge. From the way you've described it, you're not having an affair with this person. So why call it that? Just because your boyfriend doesn't know about him? Perhaps you have female friends that your boyfriend doesn't know or really know about. Would you call them affairs? No. So unless there is more to how you feel about this guy than you're either saying or even are aware of yourself, then you're just going on a mini holiday with a friend who happens to be male. No need for guilt. No need for lying. But if it's more than that, maybe it's just time for you to take a look at it. Perhaps that is what this trip is all about.
Avatar for camilionag
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 5:01pm

You are correct, my bf would flip a lid if he knew i was going away for the weekend with a male friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 5:46pm

After reading the whole thread and seeing the advice you've gotten, one thing

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 1:38am

Cam-

Listen, please, if there is nothing sexual or intimate between you and your male friend, then what is the need of keeping him a secret from you boyfriend? Any relationship needs to be based on trust - if your boyfriends loves you and trusts you, then he should have no problem with you going away to Vegas with a friend. Alright - he may be a bit jealous but aren't we all?

Secondly, it sounds like going to Vegas is an "excuse" to become more intimate with your male friend. We all know the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

I also understand that you are hurt because of your boyfriend's indiscretions from a year ago, but don't let that change the person you are. Don't stoop to his level. Rise above that and become the better person.

You have been in this relationship for a year- you found out he cheated at the beginning, and he's been trying to make it up to you - you either A) give him another chance FAIRLY or B) dump him.

There is no in between, sorry.

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