I imagine the addiction thing works both ways...he, like you, is addicted to the feel-goods you provide each other, so maybe it is genuine in that addictive kinda way.
I think that your hunch is right on this one. I think that he is being phony.
It takes a certain level of cake eating to be M, and have several APs. I think that you have to have certain characteristics, and personality flaws to be able to conduct yourself in that manner. Having said that, I do not believe that he has successfully fixed the characteristics, and personality flaws that allowed him to behave the way that he did.
I think that he is now trying to suck you back into the A. Don't you think that had he been purposely working on those things that he would have called you to tell you about it, instead of waiting to see you whenever you worked together? Changing those flaws he has are MAJOR work. Don't you think that he would have taken the time to tell you about how hard he was working to be what you needed him to be? Please, this guy sounds like a scum bag (no offense,) and you deserve better. Don't immerse yourself back into the chaos that comes only in an A. You have been apart so long, don't stop now.
I have to give you kudos for not being one of those females that just stick their head in the sand, ignoring the facts that are right in their face, and believing everything an AP says hook, line, and sinker. The whole time ignoring what is so painfully obvious to the rest of us. That's great, and you are doing great! Keep up the good work.
Seems so complicated - but we are all wired differently. I was a serial dater.... a M "cake-eater" and would prefer not to IC as I could justify my serial dating (I was at one time a wee bit stunted.....) anyway... if I have (as I do now) a real connection - then the boundries I have are mutually agreed - I think sex and a whole host of things should have a boundry that both people agree - the idea that no IC proves something one way or the other does not make sense an A is an A... EA or PA... both the same. May I ask what do you want? and you could indicate to him that you have concerns.....
Okay, I haven't been around the boards much lately, so I don't know your story beyond this thread. That said, I will tell you my red flags are waving. I tend to see through cynical eyes, and when I read things like him saying things like no IC shows his commitment I just roll my eyes. To me his not having IC means that he is not crossing whatever boundary lines he has in his head that turns this from acceptable into not acceptable. He says he might leave his marriage when the children are grown, I say he might get hit by a bus tomorrow too...both would hold equal probability in my mind.
I know this might not be what you wanted to hear. I am sorry for that. You said you have been out of this relationship before. Ask yourself which felt better, being out of it or being back in but doubting his sincerity.
My AP and I didn't have IC for 10 months. He had very major guilt issues which stopped him. He says he's never had another A before me. We didn't have 'full' sex. We'd get a hotel room and fool around, but absolutely no IC. There was o/s, but for many, many months, he wouldn't let me finish him either. It was all about him getting me to O (and often), along with lots of kissing and caressing and staring into each other's eyes. Now my AP had major issues which I don't think yours does. He also had this weird belief that without IC it's not an A.
Your AP may be reeling from a d-day which may well have scared him, but I feel in your case (because he is a player) that he is playing some kind of game with you and Shadowz is right. IC is crossing some kind of boundary for him, as it was for my AP. Leaving someday is not the same as intending to leave either. We all have lists of the things we want to do or might do 'someday'. And we all know, most of them won't happen.
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Hey gal :)
You know me gal...I can't help but be cynical sometimes...maybe it's my age...maybe I think I know too much of what goes on in a man's mind...lol and
Hmmm, maybe I should
Hey Clarity,
at the risk of TMI - we hug, kiss, touch but he won't "finish".
I imagine the addiction thing works both ways...he, like you, is addicted to the feel-goods you provide each other, so maybe it is genuine in that addictive kinda way.
I think that your hunch is right on this one. I think that he is being phony.
It takes a certain level of cake eating to be M, and have several APs. I think that you have to have certain characteristics, and personality flaws to be able to conduct yourself in that manner. Having said that, I do not believe that he has successfully fixed the characteristics, and personality flaws that allowed him to behave the way that he did.
I think that he is now trying to suck you back into the A. Don't you think that had he been purposely working on those things that he would have called you to tell you about it, instead of waiting to see you whenever you worked together? Changing those flaws he has are MAJOR work. Don't you think that he would have taken the time to tell you about how hard he was working to be what you needed him to be? Please, this guy sounds like a scum bag (no offense,) and you deserve better. Don't immerse yourself back into the chaos that comes only in an A. You have been apart so long, don't stop now.
I have to give you kudos for not being one of those females that just stick their head in the sand, ignoring the facts that are right in their face, and believing everything an AP says hook, line, and sinker. The whole time ignoring what is so painfully obvious to the rest of us. That's great, and you are doing great! Keep up the good work.
Justice
Seems so complicated - but we are all wired differently. I was a serial dater.... a M "cake-eater" and would prefer not to IC as I could justify my serial dating (I was at one time a wee bit stunted.....) anyway... if I have (as I do now) a real connection - then the boundries I have are mutually agreed - I think sex and a whole host of things should have a boundry that both people agree - the idea that no IC proves something one way or the other does not make sense an A is an A... EA or PA... both the same. May I ask what do you want? and you could indicate to him that you have concerns.....
BTW what does he have if its not "full" sex????
I understand why he didn't call over the summer.
BTW what does he have if its not "full" sex????
This is exactly what is perplexing me!
Okay, I haven't been around the boards much lately, so I don't know your story beyond this thread. That said, I will tell you my red flags are waving. I tend to see through cynical eyes, and when I read things like him saying things like no IC shows his commitment I just roll my eyes. To me his not having IC means that he is not crossing whatever boundary lines he has in his head that turns this from acceptable into not acceptable. He says he might leave his marriage when the children are grown, I say he might get hit by a bus tomorrow too...both would hold equal probability in my mind.
I know this might not be what you wanted to hear. I am sorry for that. You said you have been out of this relationship before. Ask yourself which felt better, being out of it or being back in but doubting his sincerity.
My AP and I didn't have IC for 10 months. He had very major guilt issues which stopped him. He says he's never had another A before me. We didn't have 'full' sex. We'd get a hotel room and fool around, but absolutely no IC. There was o/s, but for many, many months, he wouldn't let me finish him either. It was all about him getting me to O (and often), along with lots of kissing and caressing and staring into each other's eyes. Now my AP had major issues which I don't think yours does. He also had this weird belief that without IC it's not an A.
Your AP may be reeling from a d-day which may well have scared him, but I feel in your case (because he is a player) that he is playing some kind of game with you and Shadowz is right. IC is crossing some kind of boundary for him, as it was for my AP. Leaving someday is not the same as intending to leave either. We all have lists of the things we want to do or might do 'someday'. And we all know, most of them won't happen.
Pisces
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