Well I blew the NC...now what??
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| Mon, 08-09-2010 - 11:04pm |
After I saw AP on Friday afternoon I made a pact with myself that I wasn't going to contact him (I felt like I was pesturing him trying to get in touch with him to set up our meeting time). I was good all weekend (though I thought about him A LOT) and right up until 4pm today when I sent him a quick text just saying "how was your Monday?" and giving him a 1 liner about mine and wishing him a good night. I guess it did look like I wanted a reply but it would have be nice to get SOMETHING!!! Now of course I'm sad / disappointed. GAWD this is pathetic!!
As I was sitting here typing this, I was watching my DH on the other computer. What's wrong with me???!!! I have this awesome H, two beautiful children and a pretty frig'n good life. Yet.....I feel the urge to chase this MM that I had an A with 13yrs ago (when I was single) because I feel I need CLOSURE...and hoped a romp or two would do it. Who the hell was I kidding??!!! He's like a drug (well the sexual chemistry) and I can't believe I've let myself get so desperate that I need to hear from him to feel fulfilled.
I'm trying to delay going to bed as the tears have been rolling down my face. I've only been involved with AP since June....yet it feels like a lifetime. Could this be a sign? I can't be making all of the contact. I don't think either of us knows what we want from eachother. I hate feeling like this.......someone give me some advice and knock some sense into me.

Hello Taykn
Gosh I feel you. Its so hard isnt it. These A's are like a bloody drug. Well technically they are actally- they release endorphins and we crave those endorphins.
All I can offer you from my experience is these old chestnuts:
1. The more you seem distant, the more they seem to chase
2. The clingier you are, the more they run
3. Most affairs do not last- so dont analyse it all too much (says she Queen of anaylsis and obsession:). I think Jane said it once- dont ask where this is going- nowhere is where its going!
4. Find other things that feed your endorphin need. Not just exercise but other things like hobbies, passions, goals
5. Reinvest in your M. This is the only real thing you have. The rest is feel-good fantasy. If you love your H and want to stay with him- this is where you need to focus a bit more.
Well they are my pearls- but trust me I am struggling with all that too :)
Iggyxxx
Thanks Iggy.....after I had a good cry last night (it was an UGLY cry...yikes)
The more they "withhold", it seems the more we want them. It's not a healthy relationship (of course what A could be described as "healthy", but some seem more so than others). I completely understand the feeling of sadness - almost despair - until you get that message from him. It's so weird how that happens. Then the message comes and all is suddenly right with the world, you feel light and free and good. Except it's a fantasy, because all it takes is not hearing from them and the sadness/despair comes back.
I DO know that a problem in your REAL life, the one that matters, suddenly can put things right back in perspective. Your child gets seriously ill or your H has a bad accident or someone loses their job or your parent has a heart attack... all of a sudden messages from MM or OM mean nothing and your world consists of praying and hoping and also wondering WTH you were thinking??
If an A that is supposed to be "fun" becomes obsessive and painful, it might be time to pull the plug. You could try to "step back", feel less, feel "lighter" about it all, but sometimes that's impossible. I hope you can manage to lose the obsessiveness and keep the fun! Good luck sweetie ♥
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
As of this morning still no message from him.....oh well. My world won't end...it'll just feel like it...LOL. I guess if this is how it ends, then I know he's not much of a man to not at least tell me face to face. I'm probably reading WAY more into this then I should. My stomach has been flip floping all morning.
It's the unknown and guessing that are killing me......."are we done? or maybe he's just too busy this week? maybe he's out of the office....I know one of his kids was working with him this week, so he may not be comfortable having me come and visit" (which I would COMPLETELY respect).
And how about the blame game...."did I pesture him too much? did I come across as too needy? maybe I shouldn't have told him I missed him when we saw eachother.........gawd, why did I do that" To think like this
Hi Taykn,
Do you know how many times I have stared at my H and thought the very same thing you did when you looked at yours? 100's of times, every day, all day! Every day that I'm with AP is another potential day for us to be discovered. Why am I jeapordizing my marriage over someone that I KNOW I will never share a future with? This is going no where and in knowing this I won't let him go. I mean of course I can go NC and leave him alone for ever but I don't think I'm ready. I want to be ready for the sake of my marriage.
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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Hi Takyn,
Wow!
It's the unknown and guessing that are killing me......."are we done? or maybe he's just too busy this week? maybe he's out of the office....I know one of his kids was working with him this week, so he may not be comfortable having me come and visit" (which I would COMPLETELY respect).
I have definitely learned some interesting things about male/female communication from being in a few As and reading this board.
Haha my pleasure Jane- I figured Id help make you a guru and split the royalties with you :)
Actually that little thing you said blew me away- exactly what I needed to hear and absorb. Thats the beauty of this site huh- only women and men in this situation can really offer meaningful help and suggestions.
Actually it was taykns othr point that linked with me- about beating yourself up about what I said, what should I have said, what will I say next time, - thats the stuff that does MY head in!
Iggyx