Well, I got what I wanted....
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| Sun, 09-28-2003 - 2:49pm |
I've just finished boxing up a couple boxes of my clothes. I'll be slowly taking my stuff out of this house as I see what my room at mom's can handle. I don't want to move too much stuff, because hopefully I'll be in an apartment soon, so why move twice, right??
And I am such a bundle of contradicting emotions!!!!! I'm excited at the prospect of this first step of my journey to reclaiming myself. But it has come at such a heavy price...my kids are having a difficult time coping with it. The girls (11 and 14) are mad at me, all the while crying and hugging on me so much I can barely make any move on my own. My older son (8) is very sad. My younger son (5) goes blythly along, then suddenly frowns, comes hugs me, and says he'll miss me. So, I'm very sad for them and the hurt and the pain that they are experiencing and that I have such a huge part in causing. I'm mad at H for his part in us going bad. We used to have such a great marriage, or so I thought. I look back now, though, and realized I was heavily manipulated. Why/how did it change from the wonderful, idyllic relationship we had those first years? Why couldn't we carry that on to now?? Yet, I really *don't* want to stay married to him. I'm so excited at getting away from him, I can barely wait for tonight!!! But then, I think about the kids and get really sad, again. I will miss them terribly and hate that they're hurting like this.
But, bottom line, I've done what I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do and that was make a stand for me and my happiness!!! That's an intoxicating, heady kind of feeling!!! I'll see OM on Wednesday and we're going to celebrate this if it's the last thing I do!!!
Lucky

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I am only saying this in response to some of you - my God, there has been a barrage of very judgmental posts this week.
I could never leave my kids as well (but that's ME). I would NEVER sit here and act as if I know ALL there is to know about lucky's situation and what has finally led her to leave her husband. What she wrote in her post acknowledges that this has not been easy for her! Give her a break, and maybe a little more support.
Lucky - I do think counseling would help you and your kids out a great deal. Maybe you could all go together(H included). This is not an easy thing, but it does not have to be ugly or permanently scar your children.
Wishing you and your family strength.
I just wanted basically to say as I rambaled on its not going to be easy...but you should not stay with your H for the kids. If you were unhappy you had to get out and you did the right thing. As far as your kids - thats a touchy subject...they need you as much as they need him. Im not saying go back to him because I dont think that would resolve anything..the kids within time will understand...but as long as they know you are there for them and will always be...thats important.
Wish you the best of luck.
Sandy
Now is the time for you to put your life into perspective and make choices that will better your children. There are millions of children who came from divorced/single parent homes who have done very well for themselves. And there are also millions of children who have screwed up their lives and the lives of others that have come from two parent households. So there is no right or wrong here.
Why is it that *we* as a society make it acceptable for the father to leave home, as long as he pays his child support? BUT when the roles are reversed and the mother leaves home, she is often times regarded as the absolute worst mother ever? This is a huge double standard. I say this due to the comment made in another post that said "a woman should never leave her home. Kick the old buzzard out if it's that bad". What's the difference?
I personally believe that the children *see* everything. If you were not happy at home, for whatever reason, they know. If he is manuplitive like you say, if the children continue to see this behavior, what message does that send to them? Doesn't it tell your boys that that is the way to treat women? Doesn't it send a message to your girls that women should be the submissive housewife and do what the man says regardless of your feelings? I think both of these are wrong and if you left for those reasons, then the message you are sending to ALL of your kids is that "that behavior is WRONG and I believe too much in myself to let my children witness this any longer. This is NOT what a marriage is about."
My advice to you is this: Go to school, keep involved with your children daily. Professional help for them is not a bad idea also. Better your working conditions as soon as you can so you can better take care of them. And most of all remember you have to take good physical and emotional care of yourself in order to be the person you need to be for yourself and for your children.
I know I have rambled long enough. I wish you the best of luck on this never ending journey called life. Take care and keep your head up.
"Why is it that *we* as a society make it acceptable for the father to leave home, as long as he pays his child support? BUT when the roles are reversed and the mother leaves home, she is often times regarded as the absolute worst mother ever? This is a huge double standard." ---A mother's tie to her children is very different than a father's tie. For about 40 weeks that child was physically attached to the mother. It ate, breathed, consummed, and felt everything the mother did during the pregnancy. I'm not saying father's don't love their children or don't have ties/bonds with their children. All I'm saying is that it is very different from the mother's. When I became a mother I finally understood the saying that goes, "There's no love like a mother's love."
And I do believe children see everything too. They also see when they are being abandoned for whatever reason. That's just my two cents (sense).
Laugh![Smiles]()
Laugh![Smiles]()
I do believe every situation is different as many of you do as well.
No one should ever walk away from their children, but you have to define walking away. I have read posts about the effects of being in a family where parents divorced or where they continued to stay together regardless of the children. Some where a father walked away or the mother, I even told of one story in this thread of a friend of mine. Not to put Lucky in the same category, but to express concern as well as encouragement.
I was adopted, my mother gave birth to me and arranged for me to be adopted. She did not walk away from her responsibilities, she did not walk away from her child. She did what had to be done, she did what she felt was best for her child! "parent" can be defined in so many ways. A parent is someone who is acting in the best interest of the child. I would respect a person more as a parent if they do what is right, not what is expected.
I do not believe couples should stay together for the sake of the children. I have been there, and watching my mother wait on my father hand and foot, hear words such as "stupid old woman" and hearing her cry at night affected me a great deal.
I love my mother and father dearly but watching them for 35 years made me believe you simply take your fate and deal with it.
Then when being 19, pregnant and married to a miserable and horrible man to say the least for 3 years I bit my tongue and accepted it all, why because thats what I thought I was expected to do.
Then finally one day I packed my things and took my children. I did not want them to see me as a person not striving for better things, a person who simply settled and was willing to play the victim.
But that was my experience, and we all have had different ones.
I also believe that people are to quick to divorce, again each situation is different.
Someone posted that the kids would be fine, that can't possibly be true. Kids see, hear, and know so many things that we seem to forget. They will be effected by this regardless of whether Lucky had taken them with her or not. How badly depends on steps that are taken by the parents afterwards. Kids do adjust well when all the proper factors are present, such as counseling and support. With that support their lives will continue and they will learn to live their lives respectively and happily without living in the past and blaming their parents or others for their current situations or lives.
Just my thoughts.
Lucky, I wish you the best I really do!
Sweet
I was one of the first to reply to the original post and I had to really bite my tongue, as this is a passionate subject for me too. I am in a difficult (not abusive) marriage and I can't even fathom leaving my kids. "I have to be happy to teach them about happiness" blah blah. What is happiness? There are no promises of what things would be like if I left my marriage... and I have time to do that when they are grown and gone.
I thought about this all weekend and it really bothered me for these kids.
Regarding another poster scolding for 'judgemental' posts... I think we're all grownups here, and sometimes topics are so important and so passionate that it's necessary to come across with some strength. Nothing I have read falls into the category of name-calling, disrespectful responses. It seems like some posters want all replies to be syrupy-sweet words of support for everyone who starts a discussion. That kind of nonsense helps no one. The original poster started this discussion, knowing it was a touchy subject. Let her handle it; she is the one making the decisions. Let people here give her their feedback -- it might be the most important thing we can give her.
Gonna throw my two cents into the ring here... from what I know of Lucky's story... this has been one hard decision for her to make and I do know that she is not doing it for her OM... but for herself... regardless... too am another that could not walk away from my children for even a day... but that's me and I know it's taken a lot to get there.
Myself... I'm from a home where my mother stayed... for 39 years of marriage... why? for her children! Although I have to wonder these days... if that was just her excuse as she could never get the courage to get up and go.
Sweet
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