Well, I got what I wanted....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Well, I got what I wanted....
39
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 2:49pm
I'm leaving H tonight. I'm going to put the kids to bed (they know tonite's the night), grab a couple hours of sleep, go in to work at 1am like any other Sunday night/Monday morning, and when work's over, I'm going down to my mom's to start living with her. H is keeping custody of the kids because of my night hours.

I've just finished boxing up a couple boxes of my clothes. I'll be slowly taking my stuff out of this house as I see what my room at mom's can handle. I don't want to move too much stuff, because hopefully I'll be in an apartment soon, so why move twice, right??

And I am such a bundle of contradicting emotions!!!!! I'm excited at the prospect of this first step of my journey to reclaiming myself. But it has come at such a heavy price...my kids are having a difficult time coping with it. The girls (11 and 14) are mad at me, all the while crying and hugging on me so much I can barely make any move on my own. My older son (8) is very sad. My younger son (5) goes blythly along, then suddenly frowns, comes hugs me, and says he'll miss me. So, I'm very sad for them and the hurt and the pain that they are experiencing and that I have such a huge part in causing. I'm mad at H for his part in us going bad. We used to have such a great marriage, or so I thought. I look back now, though, and realized I was heavily manipulated. Why/how did it change from the wonderful, idyllic relationship we had those first years? Why couldn't we carry that on to now?? Yet, I really *don't* want to stay married to him. I'm so excited at getting away from him, I can barely wait for tonight!!! But then, I think about the kids and get really sad, again. I will miss them terribly and hate that they're hurting like this.

But, bottom line, I've done what I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do and that was make a stand for me and my happiness!!! That's an intoxicating, heady kind of feeling!!! I'll see OM on Wednesday and we're going to celebrate this if it's the last thing I do!!!

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 1:09pm
Wow

I am only saying this in response to some of you - my God, there has been a barrage of very judgmental posts this week.

I could never leave my kids as well (but that's ME). I would NEVER sit here and act as if I know ALL there is to know about lucky's situation and what has finally led her to leave her husband. What she wrote in her post acknowledges that this has not been easy for her! Give her a break, and maybe a little more support.

Lucky - I do think counseling would help you and your kids out a great deal. Maybe you could all go together(H included). This is not an easy thing, but it does not have to be ugly or permanently scar your children.

Wishing you and your family strength.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 1:11pm
Wow lucky...Strong woman to do what you did...you have your reasons for leaving behind your four kids. Im not one to talk or judge about that and your not the first woman to get up and leave her husband with kids. I mean y is it always the mother who usually has to take over vs the father...i mean they are as much as part of it as anyone else. I have one son and it would hurt me so bad if I left him...I would do anything and everything to do the best to keep him. As far as he kept custody of them becuase of your night job cant you find a day job? I work full time 8-5 and go to school full time - I leave my house @ 6:45 just about every morning and dont get home till about 10:pm every night I dont see my son often my nanny stays with him. I feel bad for that but I feel im doing this for his future trying to better myself. My ex has him on the weekends most of them. Now I saw alot of people call you selfish...well I know im selfish. And sometimes you have to do what makes you happy in order for you to make anyone else happy. The kids im sure are hurting but they would hurt also if they saw you unhappy. I just say be strong and stay close to your kids. Its hard on them. I know it was for my boy he kept asking y cant u and daddy be together...but I made him understand things dont work out the way we want it but we both loved him very much and he could stay with me or with him whenever he wanted as long as he is happy. Its turned out he stays alot with my ex even though i have custody of him. I just would never give him..I try my best to be with him...even though I feel bad at times im not the best mother their could be.

I just wanted basically to say as I rambaled on its not going to be easy...but you should not stay with your H for the kids. If you were unhappy you had to get out and you did the right thing. As far as your kids - thats a touchy subject...they need you as much as they need him. Im not saying go back to him because I dont think that would resolve anything..the kids within time will understand...but as long as they know you are there for them and will always be...thats important.

Wish you the best of luck.

Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 1:45pm
Wow, there are so many different emotions floating around out there. We all know that you are going through a difficult time. What's most important is that your kids can see that you still love them the same and that your relationship with them will not change. I understand both of the main points that have been presented about your choice being good or bad. But wether or not your decision was a good one or not, the bottom line is a decision has already been made.

Now is the time for you to put your life into perspective and make choices that will better your children. There are millions of children who came from divorced/single parent homes who have done very well for themselves. And there are also millions of children who have screwed up their lives and the lives of others that have come from two parent households. So there is no right or wrong here.

Why is it that *we* as a society make it acceptable for the father to leave home, as long as he pays his child support? BUT when the roles are reversed and the mother leaves home, she is often times regarded as the absolute worst mother ever? This is a huge double standard. I say this due to the comment made in another post that said "a woman should never leave her home. Kick the old buzzard out if it's that bad". What's the difference?

I personally believe that the children *see* everything. If you were not happy at home, for whatever reason, they know. If he is manuplitive like you say, if the children continue to see this behavior, what message does that send to them? Doesn't it tell your boys that that is the way to treat women? Doesn't it send a message to your girls that women should be the submissive housewife and do what the man says regardless of your feelings? I think both of these are wrong and if you left for those reasons, then the message you are sending to ALL of your kids is that "that behavior is WRONG and I believe too much in myself to let my children witness this any longer. This is NOT what a marriage is about."

My advice to you is this: Go to school, keep involved with your children daily. Professional help for them is not a bad idea also. Better your working conditions as soon as you can so you can better take care of them. And most of all remember you have to take good physical and emotional care of yourself in order to be the person you need to be for yourself and for your children.

I know I have rambled long enough. I wish you the best of luck on this never ending journey called life. Take care and keep your head up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 1:46pm
Hisgoodgirl, while children need parents that interact with each they certainly don't need parents that do not TALK or interact at all. That's a bad thing too. I know what I mean is beacuse my husband is by product of such a dysfunctional marriage. My in laws don't get along well but they put up appearences for the children. They never have solved even one issue in their life by discussing with each at all. I mean what is point of them being together in the marriage and what did the children learn? The children learnt its OK to have power struggles, avoid/skirt issues without trying to resolve them, never learing to communicate positively to solve issues (because all they saw was mind games never open honest discussions) and more importantly DENIAL that problems exist. That is why I want to get out my marriage before my children see that me and my husband are just like the way his parents have lived all life long. I feel theirs was a marriage that could been better if it was'nt there in the first place. Sometimes it good for the children's sake to be in the marriage inspite of problems but in other cases it better to be separate, bcoz all you will be raising is a dysfunctional family.... JMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 2:51pm
"There are millions of children who came from divorced/single parent homes who have done very well for themselves. And there are also millions of children who have screwed up their lives and the lives of others that have come from two parent households." ---I'm a child who is a product of several divorces, and I'd LIKE to think that I'm ok. I also know people personally who are screwed up and came from two parent households. I also know that those two parent households contributed to screwing them up. Just because parents stay together, it doesn't mean they are trying to be good models for their children. Sometimes they stay for money and convenience. In my earlier post I was trying to empasize staying WHILE still trying to do and be your BEST possible you.

"Why is it that *we* as a society make it acceptable for the father to leave home, as long as he pays his child support? BUT when the roles are reversed and the mother leaves home, she is often times regarded as the absolute worst mother ever? This is a huge double standard." ---A mother's tie to her children is very different than a father's tie. For about 40 weeks that child was physically attached to the mother. It ate, breathed, consummed, and felt everything the mother did during the pregnancy. I'm not saying father's don't love their children or don't have ties/bonds with their children. All I'm saying is that it is very different from the mother's. When I became a mother I finally understood the saying that goes, "There's no love like a mother's love."

And I do believe children see everything too. They also see when they are being abandoned for whatever reason. That's just my two cents (sense).

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 2:53pm
I totally agree. But it's hard for me to fathom leaving my children.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 4:16pm
When it comes to the topic of children we all can get a little hot under the collars so to speak.

I do believe every situation is different as many of you do as well.

No one should ever walk away from their children, but you have to define walking away. I have read posts about the effects of being in a family where parents divorced or where they continued to stay together regardless of the children. Some where a father walked away or the mother, I even told of one story in this thread of a friend of mine. Not to put Lucky in the same category, but to express concern as well as encouragement.

I was adopted, my mother gave birth to me and arranged for me to be adopted. She did not walk away from her responsibilities, she did not walk away from her child. She did what had to be done, she did what she felt was best for her child! "parent" can be defined in so many ways. A parent is someone who is acting in the best interest of the child. I would respect a person more as a parent if they do what is right, not what is expected.



I do not believe couples should stay together for the sake of the children. I have been there, and watching my mother wait on my father hand and foot, hear words such as "stupid old woman" and hearing her cry at night affected me a great deal.

I love my mother and father dearly but watching them for 35 years made me believe you simply take your fate and deal with it.

Then when being 19, pregnant and married to a miserable and horrible man to say the least for 3 years I bit my tongue and accepted it all, why because thats what I thought I was expected to do.

Then finally one day I packed my things and took my children. I did not want them to see me as a person not striving for better things, a person who simply settled and was willing to play the victim.

But that was my experience, and we all have had different ones.

I also believe that people are to quick to divorce, again each situation is different.

Someone posted that the kids would be fine, that can't possibly be true. Kids see, hear, and know so many things that we seem to forget. They will be effected by this regardless of whether Lucky had taken them with her or not. How badly depends on steps that are taken by the parents afterwards. Kids do adjust well when all the proper factors are present, such as counseling and support. With that support their lives will continue and they will learn to live their lives respectively and happily without living in the past and blaming their parents or others for their current situations or lives.

Just my thoughts.

Lucky, I wish you the best I really do!

Sweet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 4:47pm
Sweet, this is a very nice post.

I was one of the first to reply to the original post and I had to really bite my tongue, as this is a passionate subject for me too. I am in a difficult (not abusive) marriage and I can't even fathom leaving my kids. "I have to be happy to teach them about happiness" blah blah. What is happiness? There are no promises of what things would be like if I left my marriage... and I have time to do that when they are grown and gone.

I thought about this all weekend and it really bothered me for these kids.

Regarding another poster scolding for 'judgemental' posts... I think we're all grownups here, and sometimes topics are so important and so passionate that it's necessary to come across with some strength. Nothing I have read falls into the category of name-calling, disrespectful responses. It seems like some posters want all replies to be syrupy-sweet words of support for everyone who starts a discussion. That kind of nonsense helps no one. The original poster started this discussion, knowing it was a touchy subject. Let her handle it; she is the one making the decisions. Let people here give her their feedback -- it might be the most important thing we can give her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 5:43pm
PLEASE, PLEASE see a lawyer, before you leave your kids with your husband. Leaving them tonight (or any night) can be viewed as abandonment, without some type of legal custody agreement. If you want to maintain an open relationship with your kids and visit with them on your terms (not your husband's), DO THIS IMMEDIATELY.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 6:45pm

Gonna throw my two cents into the ring here... from what I know of Lucky's story... this has been one hard decision for her to make and I do know that she is not doing it for her OM... but for herself... regardless... too am another that could not walk away from my children for even a day... but that's me and I know it's taken a lot to get there.


Myself... I'm from a home where my mother stayed... for 39 years of marriage... why? for her children! Although I have to wonder these days... if that was just her excuse as she could never get the courage to get up and go.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My