Well, I got what I wanted....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Well, I got what I wanted....
39
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 2:49pm
I'm leaving H tonight. I'm going to put the kids to bed (they know tonite's the night), grab a couple hours of sleep, go in to work at 1am like any other Sunday night/Monday morning, and when work's over, I'm going down to my mom's to start living with her. H is keeping custody of the kids because of my night hours.

I've just finished boxing up a couple boxes of my clothes. I'll be slowly taking my stuff out of this house as I see what my room at mom's can handle. I don't want to move too much stuff, because hopefully I'll be in an apartment soon, so why move twice, right??

And I am such a bundle of contradicting emotions!!!!! I'm excited at the prospect of this first step of my journey to reclaiming myself. But it has come at such a heavy price...my kids are having a difficult time coping with it. The girls (11 and 14) are mad at me, all the while crying and hugging on me so much I can barely make any move on my own. My older son (8) is very sad. My younger son (5) goes blythly along, then suddenly frowns, comes hugs me, and says he'll miss me. So, I'm very sad for them and the hurt and the pain that they are experiencing and that I have such a huge part in causing. I'm mad at H for his part in us going bad. We used to have such a great marriage, or so I thought. I look back now, though, and realized I was heavily manipulated. Why/how did it change from the wonderful, idyllic relationship we had those first years? Why couldn't we carry that on to now?? Yet, I really *don't* want to stay married to him. I'm so excited at getting away from him, I can barely wait for tonight!!! But then, I think about the kids and get really sad, again. I will miss them terribly and hate that they're hurting like this.

But, bottom line, I've done what I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do and that was make a stand for me and my happiness!!! That's an intoxicating, heady kind of feeling!!! I'll see OM on Wednesday and we're going to celebrate this if it's the last thing I do!!!

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:56pm
I was referring to a post which stated "you are selfish! You're nuts to leave your kids."

Calling someone nuts and selfish is wrong and without a doubt judgmental. There is nothing wrong with posting honest thought and reaction to a post, but people should try to control their emotions and give their opinions with a little more maturity. Somewhere between sweet an syrupy and judgmental usually lies the best advice. I don't think anyone here expects kiss a** replies.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 10:34pm
I don't mean to disagree with what you said about leaving. My dad wasn't abusive and my sister and I don't feel abandoned or that our parents were selfish. I'm glad that my parents didn't stay in a marriage that they wouldn't have been happy in. They would have fought and made us unhappy in the process. I think it is just as wrong to stay just for the sake of the children as you do about leaving for any other reason other then abuse. If the parents handle it well & make a point of not downing one another to their children the kids (most anyhow) will turn out fine. My mom and my dad both remarried and they are both much happier then they would have been together. If I found out my parents stayed together and made each other and us miserable just for us, I think I would have been very hurt and upset that they pretty much ruined any chance at a happy home. This is jmho from my side. I was around 5 when my parents split up and they never once talked bad about the other and always let us see our father whenever we wanted. That makes all the difference in whether the kids will be able to deal with it or not. I'm not saying it will be easy, but the parents happiness has to come into play. Otherwise the kids will pay the price. You can only pretend to be inlove with someone for so long. Kids will pick up on fake happiness and the real thing. Again jmho, not for everyone, of course.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 11:42pm
julietsfate:

Your words are wise and your ideas are so true. Anyone who says stay together for the kids does not have a clue! Children do not learn happiness,love,manners,dignity and respect just because they have mom and dad under the same roof. Any one who judges should look in the mirror at their own faults. Leaving your children is just so incredible to comprehend! Leaving a spouse yes, but your children must be hard *for you and very hard for them* I have been there! 6 children, married 15 years. I divorced my husband. I didn;t leave my children, but it really aggrivates me to hear that anyone thinks my children will end up disfunctional because of my divorce. Get real. A few of the posts here who dare to call this woman selfish should walk in her shoes, before harshly tearing her apart. You don;t know her from a hole in the wall.

The post that goes on and on about how her children are basically so much better off because :::dad :::: lives at home, needs a reality check. Sure in a perfect world we all marry the love of our lives that will last a lifetime! Raise our children together to be happy and healthy adults. Thats in the perfect world. Which last time I took a breath IT WASN'T....... Anyone who thinks they can do a better job is so stuck on themselves, maybe their world will come crashing down one day, like for instance your H is having an affair====oh god, does this mean your children are doomed if you split up? No marriage is perfect and by all means if it can be worked out great, problems can be solved, but not being in love, having respect and communication isn;t something to work out. 2 unhappy parents living under the same roof is no way to raise children......The parent that is raising them whether its mom or dad needs to be stable, in control and persay, Happy. All the crap about blaming your parents years later for a divorce you suffered through, well at least you didn;t live in a house, of people who didn;t love each other and it was clear to see and im sure there was so much to hear.

I know i rambled, but again 6 kids, by myself, I am lucky to be their mom, I love them more than anything in the world, but I also know this they for dammmmmmm sure are just as lucky to have me. All by myself, and no way will my children be on the bottom because their mom and dad lived apart. I would like to jump ahead 15 years and see how all the children of you married parents turned out!! What is right for you, i may think suckS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So its fine to have different opinions but it goes to show maybe your mother didn;t teach you so well, if she did, you would have remembered if you can't say something nice then don;t say anything at all. Everyone needs support and guidance no matter what the situation may be. Good luck to everyone in their journey called life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 7:39am
Well, here's where the limitations of this forum come into play. I've become so comfortable here and like you all are my cyberfriends and I tend to make the assumption that a post here and there about my situation would be enough for everyone to understand that there's more here than what I posted on Sunday. But logically I know that's not true...we're a highly transient group and many of you who posted me flaming me for my choice (which is not a problem - as someone said, we're all adults here) are names I've only seen once or twice, so you probably don't know my situation well. And it wouldn't really matter if you didn't, but as I don't especially care to be painted as a thoughtless, heartless, abandoning mom, I will make a few statements, here.

This was not a frivolous choice. This marriage *has* been given plenty of time to work (17 years, as a matter of fact). I am NOT leaving for OM...that is very clear to him, but he has never asked me to. He was counselling me, actually, in how to improve my marriage until I finally told him to stop. He has a g/f that he's living with and neither of us have ever mentioned anything about him leaving her for me or me leaving H for him.

My H did NOT abuse me or the kids. That's the only comment that truly pissed me off was someone's assumption that I might have been beaten and so left that situation, but that I would leave my children there.

I work two jobs because my H has been unemployed for over 2 years and refuses to consider any job that doesn't pay at least 50K. Well, he's dreaming, he was entry level in the field and he's just trying to avoid getting a job. I, therefore, work 2 jobs. Three days a week, I work over 17 hours per day. Two of the other days, I work over 10 hours. The other two are my light days...I only work about 5-6 hours each of those days. 50 hours or more a week, my job is at night (1am-11am). It is NOT safe to leave 4 children home alone during the night just so that I could win some wonderful mom contest on this board by not giving them up. My H is a good dad, he's not working, it makes sense for him to have the kids. I'd much rather their father watch them when I'm not around than a stranger (nanny), but that's just me. (We've never used babysitters, either. Only family has ever watched these children.) I will be talking to them every day, going by to see them a couple of times a week, taking them during the day on school holidays. I am NOT abandoning them. And, as I understand it, the fact that I still see them and am still paying 98% of the bills flies in the face of abandonment charges. H and I have made a vow that the important thing here is the kids and helping them with the changes. We've promised to always speak respectfully of each other in their presence and to continue to support each other's parenting as much as possible. I'm sure we will have times that it is difficult to do that, but the big picture here is the kids, and we both know that.

My inlaws stayed together for the kids. It worked so well that their 9yo's Christmas List had one item on it: a divorce for her parents. That wish did not come true for another 13 years. That same child is now an adult, married, with 2 children and is one of the most bitter, angry, male-bashing people I've ever met. She's passing that poison on to the next generation. And she's one of the more normal of the kids. My inlaws did nobody any favors by staying together.

And while obviously this sux for the kids, and obviously this is a life-altering event that will take a few years to heal, still, I can't believe that it's worse than them seeing their parents live a lie of marriage where all respect and trust has been lost. Do you know how guilty my sisterinlaw feels that her parents stayed together and caused all the tremendous amount of hurt that they did BECAUSE of her? BECAUSE they were waiting for her to grow up? Tell me that's healthy for a kid and I'll tell you that you're blinded by some romantic image of duty to children.

Hope this helps.

Lucky


Edited 9/30/2003 7:48:19 AM ET by luckyme814

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 7:51am
Thank you for your genuine concern for my children. We have them signed up for the next available session of Rainbows For All of God's Children...it's a weekly support group for children experiencing loss through divorce or death. While the children meet, the parents have their own meetings to learn how to stay good parents, even if they are no longer spouses. Our pediatrician has also recommended a few good therapists that she's worked with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 7:56am
Howdy...wondered where you've been!!! How goes things with you??

You're right about that quality vs quantity time. I was over there just last night, helping my 8yo son with math homework. All that carrying and borrowing stuff...loads of fun. But it was so cool, because he even said, gee mom, when you lived here (I hadn't even been out 24 hours at that point, lol!), you were too tired to help me with my homework. Thanks for coming and helping me tonight!

And I've definitely got my R with OM in perspective. There are NO plans for us to move in together after the divorce. He's got a g/f that he lives with and as I keep reminding us both, I'm doing this for me, not him!

Thanks for your comforting words.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 7:57am
Thank you so much for your post. It was a real help. Thank you!! (I'm 15 minutes away at my mom's, so not too far!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 8:01am
Thanks, Charlotte, for your words of support. We do have group therapy lined up for the kids as well as a few names to pursue for individual counselling. H and I have done the counselling already, with no real help from it. He's continued on, which I think is a good thing. We are both trying very hard to keep this as amicable and as friendly as we can for the kids' sake.

Thanks again for your post!

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 8:03am
Thanks, lilnow. I appreciate your post more than you know.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 8:11am
Thanks, Belladonna. I do have a lawyer and I am following the advice she gave me if it got to the point where I thought I'd need to leave before he found fulltime work. We are working through this using a wholistic, child-friendly approach to divorce that uses meetings between the parents (and their lawyers, of course) to work out the details and have those agreements approved by a mediator so that the only time you ever see a courtroom is when its made final. I want to call it Cooperative Family Law, but I may have that wrong. I'd have to surf my bookmarks to find it again.

Lucky