Well, I got what I wanted....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Well, I got what I wanted....
39
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 2:49pm
I'm leaving H tonight. I'm going to put the kids to bed (they know tonite's the night), grab a couple hours of sleep, go in to work at 1am like any other Sunday night/Monday morning, and when work's over, I'm going down to my mom's to start living with her. H is keeping custody of the kids because of my night hours.

I've just finished boxing up a couple boxes of my clothes. I'll be slowly taking my stuff out of this house as I see what my room at mom's can handle. I don't want to move too much stuff, because hopefully I'll be in an apartment soon, so why move twice, right??

And I am such a bundle of contradicting emotions!!!!! I'm excited at the prospect of this first step of my journey to reclaiming myself. But it has come at such a heavy price...my kids are having a difficult time coping with it. The girls (11 and 14) are mad at me, all the while crying and hugging on me so much I can barely make any move on my own. My older son (8) is very sad. My younger son (5) goes blythly along, then suddenly frowns, comes hugs me, and says he'll miss me. So, I'm very sad for them and the hurt and the pain that they are experiencing and that I have such a huge part in causing. I'm mad at H for his part in us going bad. We used to have such a great marriage, or so I thought. I look back now, though, and realized I was heavily manipulated. Why/how did it change from the wonderful, idyllic relationship we had those first years? Why couldn't we carry that on to now?? Yet, I really *don't* want to stay married to him. I'm so excited at getting away from him, I can barely wait for tonight!!! But then, I think about the kids and get really sad, again. I will miss them terribly and hate that they're hurting like this.

But, bottom line, I've done what I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do and that was make a stand for me and my happiness!!! That's an intoxicating, heady kind of feeling!!! I'll see OM on Wednesday and we're going to celebrate this if it's the last thing I do!!!

Lucky

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 8:14am
Thank you, my friend, for coming in with your support. It means a lot to me. I've already mentioned this as responses to other posts, but we are lining up professional help for the kids as well as group therapy with other children going through this. You were right when you told them it's not for OM. OM and I are straight on what this means to us. Basically, he's the good and wonderful friend he has always been. It's just that with this friend, there's more to it than a shoulder to cry on.

Thanks again, so much, for helping me out, here.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 8:16am
Dreamer, I could kiss you!!! Thank you for your post. You said what I was thinking, only so much better. I appreciate your kind words, thank you!!

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 8:18am
You, too, Olivia Lynn...I need to hug you!! Thanks for the perspective from 'the other side'. It's good to know that it can be done.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 11:31am
I, for one, am sorry you felt the need to get defensive based on your responses. Your particular details don't matter here; no one here can ever know all the details, I don't care if you post three thousand times about your situation. We all have our own difficult situations.

Not everyone has to agree with your actions in order to wish you the best and try to be supportive. Sometimes being supportive is giving someone all points of view, to let them take what they want/need from it... there have been many times in my own life when I have benefitted from that, even if it was not what I wanted to hear. Even if I thought they were wrong, and I was right. But clearly, since you only thanked the people who completely agreed with you, you didn't want to hear from anyone else.

I think that everyone here had your children's best interests at heart when they thought about your post, despite differences in their interpretation of your 'action plan'. That's pretty powerful support -- and the most important kind -- if you ask me. Of course you are the one who will make the decision about your own life, and that's as it should be.

As the title of your post said, You got what you wanted, and I am glad that is true for you. And, as I said the first time, I do wish the best for you and your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 2:44pm
ditto

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 9:36pm
I'm sorry you misinterpreted. I made one blanket post that tried to discuss the issues you all have raised. As I said, I tend to think of you all as my cyberfriends and as such, if you cared enough to post, then I care enough to answer your concerns. Most of you had the same concerns, so I felt it was kinder to the board traffic to make one post answering as many of those as I could. I decided later to post individually to some because they were flying in the face of an overwhelming opposite point of view, and that ain't easy, so I wanted to be sure to recognize their efforts, that's all. I appreciate your well wishes. Thank you.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 9:41am
What a wonderful program..I'm glad that you have that available. It is also good that you and your H have agreed to work together on getting the kids through this. I personally don't think you are abandoning your children. And the living arrangement does not have to be permanent (kids w/ H). If you and H work together to make a point that the kids are not responsible for the issues of the M, no name calling or blaming eachother for the issues, and you both participate in the kids lives, they will be ok. Of course there will be difficulties as is the case with any substantial change in life, but this is not the beginning of the end for your children.

OK now I have to put in my 2 cents about some of the posts...

My parents separated on my 12th birthday and were divorced six months later. The first time they separated I was 3 or 4 years old. Dad was gone a couple of weeks, it was hard because NO ONE discussed emotions in my family, so there was a huge unknown as to what was going on. My sister and I had no idea what had happened to him. The next time they separated was when I was 10, this time he was gone a month. Again, nothing was discussed. I remember from as early as 3 my mom would drag us out of bed to go looking for my Dad (going into bars, strip clubs, etc.)(we never found him in these places by the way). Sometimes we would not get home until the sun was coming up and 9 times out of 10 Dad was at home. Then the huge yelling matches and fights would ensue for the next couple of weeks and then silence for a couple more weeks. I remember emotional rollercoaster of the house - but remember we don't discuss any emotions in this house.

The divorce was a relief - they should have done it sooner then they did. My mom would make a point of letting my sister and I know that she stayed as long as she did for us. It was a lie. She stayed for herself. She stayed because she was afraid to be on her own with two kids, she stayed because she did not want to have to go out and work, she stayed because of the financial security. He stayed because he felt that there should be two parents in the house (even though he was gone most of the time anyway), he stayed because what would people think about us if the was a "divorce", he stayed because he had someone at home cooking, cleaning and raising his kids.

What did I learn - you can't be an effective parent, employee, partner, sibling, child if you are miserable. You don't have to be abused to leave a marriage.

Lucky is leaving a marriage. Her children may be in another household at this time - but she is not walking out on her responsibilies as a parent. There are many parents who live in the same house with their kids and do not participate in the kids lives. Of those who want out of their marriage but use the excuse that they are staying for the kids are not being honest with themselves. Now I know that there are some people on this board that are happy in their marriage and having an A, I am referring to those who can't stand their spouse or their M, but stay for the kid's sake.

Off of my soap box.

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 12:05pm
hey lucky -- hang in there honey. really, you are doing the right thing for everyone. who said only mothers take exclusive care of children?? your H has been taking the responsibility for two years now.

as i've said before, major life-altering change mostly happens when the person reaches his/her limits. obviously, you've reached your limit in the M and it's time to move on.

best of luck for a happy future to you and your children!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 3:07pm
Best of luck to you and your endeavors Lucky!

*hugs*

Liberal

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