Well, we crossed the line yesterday

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Well, we crossed the line yesterday
11
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 1:25pm

Hi everyone



Im brand new here so a bit of a background:


Im divorced. Was cheated on in my marriage (among other things)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 2:31pm

Well it is too late to tell you to run away, run very fast. And even if I did say that, you wouldn't listen. None of us listen when someone tells us that.

Instead, I will tell you a little about what I know about affairs. I have been around this scene for a long time. Really truly a long time. I was married ten years. During that time I had two affairs. Both intense, both with very different endings. The first ended, badly, he divorced I stayed married. The second ended in discovery. My xH caught us at the home (in the bed even) that I shared with him. I lived with that AP for two years and that relationship recently ended because he was cheating on me, and lying to me and well just not being a good partner.

I guess I told you all of the above so you know I have some credibility before I tell you about AffairLand. We used to call it that all the time around these parts. Because it was our way of comparing it to Fantasy Land at Disneyland.

Yes, you are correct when you say the lid has been torn from the box. You and he? Totally different life places. There is a thread on the main page now about killing time when you are single and he is married and spending time with his family. Reading it might give you an indication of what you are in for. He isn't going to leave. He has indicated that in many ways. Telling you early on and now the guilt feelings and needing to stop but still having IC with you.

I am not slamming him, I was there. I know how it feels. The adrenaline rush of someone, something totally new. Those feelings you never thought you were going to feel again but are now after years of marriage. As for the warts, well your friend might have been on to something if it weren't for the fact that this guy is not going to show you his warts, ever. You have limited time, it is really easy to present all the positives in that time. Things would be different if you spent "real" time together. By that I mean time other new couples spend, without the constraints of AffairLand.

Affairs suck as a general rule. The highs are totally awesome. The lows totally suck. I bet all here will agree to that. So...just be careful. You are in a place where you have the opportunity to start with a clean slate. You might not want to muddy it with a married man. If you choose to though, just remember to protect your self. Guard your heart.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 2:38pm

Hello chaos, first of all your not an idiot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 3:31pm

Thanks so very much for the feedback and please keep it coming. I guess what Im hoping for is enough rational feedback from people who are going through it that somewhere along the line my brain will completely re-engage again. Right now my heart wants him. Badly.


One of the things i think i have rationalized is that in my marriage, and a previous serious

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 4:44pm
I am in a similar situation. We were both widowed w/young kids. He had asked me out years ago, but I was being pressured to marry another guy I was dating. I married
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 7:03pm

Here's something for you to think about. These affairs are definitely NOT relationships based in reality. You've already gotten a taste of that. How many times have you met someone in your life and skipped the dating part and gone straight to bed? Probably none, if at all. You've now gotten a clear picture of what this affair is going to be, should you choose to continue it. It's not like you slept with him on the first date. You haven't had one. You slept with him on the first opportunity to be in his company outside of the gym. Though I know you've gotten to know him...SOME...at the gym, it's certainly not the same as having a date with him. Him picking you up, going out to dinner at some nice, romantic restaurant, holding hands, kissing goodnight, eventually being intimate. I can pretty much tell you that any get togethers you will have with him will be at your house, probably most of the time, because he will probably be nervous and hesitant to go anywhere in public with you.

Don't be so sure that he's on his way "out" of his marriage. He told you he loves his wife. I'm sure he does. He may very well be completely happy with her, but for whatever reason...midlife crisis, selfishness, whatever...is doing this with you. In all honesty, chaos, because you are so into him, I see a great deal of pain ahead for you if you choose to keep doing this. You know the saying....be careful what you wish for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 7:57pm

Chaos,


I'm so sorry for the confused and lost feelings you are experiencing right now.

maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Wed, 04-01-2009 - 10:07am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2008
Wed, 04-01-2009 - 11:53am

I'd sincerely doubt any line involving an "I'm so attached" to you from a man that only took as long as to find out you're attracted to him to get you into bed a couple times and then back off claiming guilt. He found someone who made the first move, got his taste, now he's going to play a saint. In all likelihood, there are only two possible outcomes here: 1) He's going to brush you off, and you'll end up feeling used, or 2) He'll stay away for a short time in order to come to terms with having an affair, and come to you saying he just can't stay away, which may still leave you feeling used, but the long term consequences will be greater. This sounds like a guy who just took someone up on a rare opportunity. You deserve to have someone that is all yours. Find him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Wed, 04-01-2009 - 1:39pm

Thank you so much everyone. i need to hear the harsh

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Wed, 04-01-2009 - 3:01pm

your AP is not gone,doll.he will be back.

push/pull = increase in sexual tension
passive/aggressive behavior = increase in sexual tension

plus, intense feelings.

Even if your AP is doing this unintentionally ,the effect is same.You choose.

You get one life to live and love.It is short.Listen to your heart as head is not always right.

((( hugs )))

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