Well....It's Over

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Well....It's Over
22
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 1:02am

I called AP today at work, and he came over so that we could talk. I just put it all on the table. He admitted that he was not as far as he hoped he'd be at this point. He rattled off a laundry list of excuses IE; His 15yr old daughter just had a baby, he has more bills to pay off......yada yada yada. He asked for a couple more months, and I told him......NOT ON YOUR LIFE! He was so shocked he looked like a had just slapped him in the face w/ a wet fish!! LMAO! He said he couldn't believe that I waited all these months, years, and I won't wait a couple more months. I told told him how hard it is being S when he is still M.

Right now I am really sad, but the worst is to come. I know him, he is very smart. He will absorb what happen today, retreat, make a plan on how to get me back, and then spring on it me in about two weeks. Just about the time I will really be lonely. So I am bracing myself for that.

I do have to say that one poster said that leaving is incredible difficult, and it may have turned out to be more difficult than he expected, and that was his exact line of reasoning. He said he just didn't realize how involved things would get, and how hard it would be get things done. While I can appreciate that, if he loves me like he says then the bulk of what needed to be done should be done, and the rest he could on his own. He might struggle a little at first, but he makes good money. He would be alright. Either way, it's not my problem anymore.

As far as falling in love again......NEVER happen. Most of you know my story, but for those that don't just a little background.

I suffered as a child through terrible physical, sexual, and emotional abuse by my father. My Mom knew, but did nothing. Having suffered another's rage at a time when I couldn't defend myself made something in me snap. Having lived through the worse violation of trust, the molestation of a daughter by her father at such a young age, and for two years, did something to me. Being told that I was worthless, and "Not worth two cents." Took it's toll on me. I think that's why I entered Law Enforcement. I wanted to protect the weak, and fight for them.

So anyway I said ALL that to say that I had a SERIOUS outer and inner shell that no one had been able to penetrate. That was until I started working w/ AP. I fought him tooth and nail. I did not like the loss of control over my own feelings that I was experiencing. I fought a good fight, but as you all know, I lost. I fell deeply in love w/ him. BUT I can tell you that I will never get close enough to anyone to let that happen again. I would much rather be alone. Maybe get a FWB type thing going. Who knows it so early, I am just going moment by moment.

Thank you guys SOOOO much for all that you had to say. It feels good to make a decision and know that my thinking isn't coming from left field, and that others in my position would do the same thing. You guys are my saving grace. Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 1:52pm

Justice...

Good for you taking a stance. Hopefully, it will remain in place. I know how easy it is to waver. But I think you've waited long enough, don't you? Especially considering that out of many of the APs on here, yours seems to be in the best position for leaving...no small kids at home, etc. And the excuse that his 15 year old just had a kid is just that....an excuse. And a lame one at that. So what if she did? It's not "their" kid, so she doesn't even live there, correct? So what in heaven's name does THAT have to do with his marriage? Oh, I'm sure he has stress over the situation. Of course he does. But it seems to me that staying in a marriage he claims is dead would only add to the stress, not take away from it. Sounds to me like he could find a way to make just about anything be a "reason" why he can't seem to pull the trigger. I have no doubt that he cares about you. But, unfortunately, he seems to be kind of a pu$$y. I know he's in law enforcement, but, show same ba!!s, would ya? Either that or he's just not telling you the truth about how he feels about her.

On another note...I know you feel really badly right now. But I really hope that you won't harden yourself. Again, it's not the fact that you took a chance on love that got you to the place you're at right now. It's choosing someone that wasn't available. No matter who you were, and you got involved with him, it would be the same result. He has just simply been unavailable. Don't close yourself off to the possibility that there is someone out there that IS available and wants to be with you and would do anything to make that happen. That's why I know that I will never, never, NEVER get involved with a married man again. It's just such a futile road to go down, in most cases.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 8:56pm

Thank you so much for your reply. As hurt as I am I have to agree, if he REALLY loved me he would do WHATEVER it takes to be w/ me. I think that I have been more than reasonable. I love him w/ every ounce of my being, but I just can't be the OW forever. Not even for him.

My heart hurts so much right now that I wish it would just blow, and get it over w/, but still I suffer through.

On the hardness part, my mom always told me that the secret to happiness is finding someone that loves you, more than you love them. Until AP I ALWAYS obeyed that blessed command. It wasn't until I let go that I knew true pain. I CAN NOT be here again, EVER! I think that I will seek out a MM, so that I only have to get so involved. I know how f*cked up that sounds, but right now that's how I feel. That is IF I decide to see anyone. Everything ain't for everybody, and I don't think that love is for me. Not that kind of love. I just want to be left alone.

I am going to throw myself into my kids, job, and school, and pray that time passes for me. I worry what my mood does to my kids. I was in the grocery store when "When a man loves a woman" came on, and I started to cry. I can't let my daughter know that a man can affect me like that. I am her rock. She needs to know that a strong woman can weather any storm.

Anyway, I am sorry I didn't mean to go on and on. I just feel so empty, and had to tell someone. Thank you for your kind advise, and a kind ear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 9:19pm

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 9:50pm
Justice,
Carrrrrried...away2
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 10:01am

I'm thinking about you today too Justice!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 11:26am

Hi Justice -


Sweetie - I am so sorry to be late on this - my life lately is beyond insane!!

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 1:46pm

"On the hardness part, my mom always told me that the secret to happiness is finding someone that loves you, more than you love them."

My best friend is a guy. I've always known that he loved me but the feelings weren't returned. I thought it would be unfair to marry him, even though I know we would have had a good - albeit unexciting - life. He was happy not to have children - I've never wanted them.

Seven years ago a girl set her cap at him and he just went along with it. And he gave me that exact reason. It hurt less to be with someone who loved you more than you loved them. When they had their first child last year, he was so totally unmoved by it that it made me sad. We're still best friends, and his W knows this.

But looking back, I wish someone had told me that secret before I screwed up and let him go. The only thing that believing love is the secret has gotten me is 8 years with an MM.. who, of course, I love more than he loves me...

D x

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 3:10pm

You guys are SO wonderful. I really can not express how much help you all have been for me during this difficult time. Really from the bottom of my broken heart, THANK YOU!

I was talking trash last night when I said that I would find another MM. I also had 4 large alcoholic drinks, and I don't drink, so I was being a little dramatic about that part. I wouldn't touch another MM w/ a ten ft. pole, and I really mean that.

I just wanted to touch on the hardness thing again. IF I decide to date whoever in the future I KNOW that I can control my feelings. I have my whole life. I have never fully given myself to anyone but AP, and I was M twice. I have this odd ability to emotionally disengage somehow, well usually, AP is the exception to that rule.

It's not just because I am hurt, but I really mean it when I say that I would rather just be alone. It's not worth it. I do have to say that I do see crying as a weakness. One should be able to control oneself. W/o control there is chaos, my situation, and the situations of a lot of people on here are the perfect example of what happens when you loose that control. I can't go there again. I have lost the ONLY love of my life twice in one lifetime. I can't take anymore. I refuse.

DarkPools your situation is classic of what happens when you love someone more than they love you. You give them a power over you. That chit is dangerous, and I know you can understand where I am coming from. I KNOW that I love AP much more than he loves me, and it sucks! I have always been a shot caller. It's bitter pill to swallow when that is no longer the case.

Again EVERYBODY has been so supportive, you are my lifeline right now. I can't really talk to other people about this, because they won't get it. That makes you my friends very valuable to me. I love you guys!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2008
Fri, 11-28-2008 - 11:16am
Justice I got to say you are a very strong woman. But do not be too strong, perhaps ole Cubbies is a romantic but don't close you self off to the possibility that you can love again. I think you are very right though that you take time for yourself, kids, job, just life. Heartbreak is like a death only the person is still living, makes it a little worse in my opinion. I too have been hurt many times and I am sure I will be again. But I will get back on the horse time and time again until I find a saddle that fits. Glutton for punishment, maybe. However we do not need a man to be able to be happy and I think that is key. Once you can find that inner happiness and depend on you to make it happen then the rest will fall into place at the right time. I know the holidays are going to be tough, and we are here for you.







Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 12:37am
Thanks cubbies. But your a better woman than me. I don't know I kinda feel like first time shame on you, second time shame on me. But that's just me. Thanks for your support. You are ALWAYS so supportive. Thank you for that, and all that you contribute. You are one of the rocks on this site. I am grateful to know you, even if it's only on here.