Well....It's Over

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Well....It's Over
22
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 1:02am

I called AP today at work, and he came over so that we could talk. I just put it all on the table. He admitted that he was not as far as he hoped he'd be at this point. He rattled off a laundry list of excuses IE; His 15yr old daughter just had a baby, he has more bills to pay off......yada yada yada. He asked for a couple more months, and I told him......NOT ON YOUR LIFE! He was so shocked he looked like a had just slapped him in the face w/ a wet fish!! LMAO! He said he couldn't believe that I waited all these months, years, and I won't wait a couple more months. I told told him how hard it is being S when he is still M.

Right now I am really sad, but the worst is to come. I know him, he is very smart. He will absorb what happen today, retreat, make a plan on how to get me back, and then spring on it me in about two weeks. Just about the time I will really be lonely. So I am bracing myself for that.

I do have to say that one poster said that leaving is incredible difficult, and it may have turned out to be more difficult than he expected, and that was his exact line of reasoning. He said he just didn't realize how involved things would get, and how hard it would be get things done. While I can appreciate that, if he loves me like he says then the bulk of what needed to be done should be done, and the rest he could on his own. He might struggle a little at first, but he makes good money. He would be alright. Either way, it's not my problem anymore.

As far as falling in love again......NEVER happen. Most of you know my story, but for those that don't just a little background.

I suffered as a child through terrible physical, sexual, and emotional abuse by my father. My Mom knew, but did nothing. Having suffered another's rage at a time when I couldn't defend myself made something in me snap. Having lived through the worse violation of trust, the molestation of a daughter by her father at such a young age, and for two years, did something to me. Being told that I was worthless, and "Not worth two cents." Took it's toll on me. I think that's why I entered Law Enforcement. I wanted to protect the weak, and fight for them.

So anyway I said ALL that to say that I had a SERIOUS outer and inner shell that no one had been able to penetrate. That was until I started working w/ AP. I fought him tooth and nail. I did not like the loss of control over my own feelings that I was experiencing. I fought a good fight, but as you all know, I lost. I fell deeply in love w/ him. BUT I can tell you that I will never get close enough to anyone to let that happen again. I would much rather be alone. Maybe get a FWB type thing going. Who knows it so early, I am just going moment by moment.

Thank you guys SOOOO much for all that you had to say. It feels good to make a decision and know that my thinking isn't coming from left field, and that others in my position would do the same thing. You guys are my saving grace. Thanks again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 12:55am

Tori I am really sorry to hear what you have been through. You are right that behavior is the biggest violation of trust, and yes you do believe that is how everybody lives. I am just curious, do you think that once a child is molested they become "marked" for other molesters? Because it seems like my entire childhood I spent dodging my friends dads too.

I have always looked a lot older than I was.I lived in a "white" neighborhood, and I am 1/2 Filipino 1/2 Caucasian, and looked a little more exotic than the other kids. I always wondered if it was that or was I exhibiting certain behaviors that other child molesters notice. I am curious as to what you think.

As far as your dear dad goes, The Bible clearly states " Suffer ye the little ones, and ye shall burn in Hell." What goes around comes around, and that's no bullsh*t. Your father will burn for what he did to you. What a Bast*rd that he is that he can't even admit it what he has done. Your step mom will pay too. I just don't understand WTF is wrong w/ these people.

I wish you the best of luck Tori. Take care, and good for you that you went to counseling. I tried, but it was too hard, I couldn't do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 8:54am
hi, i found it. my step mom became mentally ill and killed herself, so she is no longer with my father, he has since remarried. my sister told me he's extremely abusive to his current wife, who is younger then me, and he's in his late 70. i think in a way i believe that to be true about once molested, for some reason when we where children attracted other molesters. i could tell you about other people in my life as a young girl growing up who violated my trust with molestation. both of my uncles did. not to the extent of what my father did to me. still even now i have flash backs. you exhibited no behaviors, these people that do this to children are unstable people. they need a lot of help. i never told one person about my uncles. that i'll take to my grave. one my one uncle who touched me i was about 5, and my other uncle i was about 9.

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