Well....we had the 'talk'.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Well....we had the 'talk'.....
2
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 11:04am
As any of you whom read my last post, you could easily see that I am at the end of my rope. And after reading the wonderful replies I received and other posts, I spent all of Friday nite and Saturday norning 'soul searching' and thinking through exactly what I wanted, needed and could realistically ask of him. I also weighed out the pros and the cons of our relationship, and took to heart the 'rule' about when the bad outweighs the good....move on.

He called Saturday afternoon, and of course, I am famous for picking the absolute worst times to have a serious conversation. He was in the grocery store getting things for a dinner party where a few of the guests were already at his home....lol Anyway, he said that he could tell something was wrong, and asked was I ok and had he done anything to make me mad or upset. Well, that was my permission to unload. I told him how I had felt lately, that I was doing all the giving (not that I minded, but that I would like a little give in return) and that I did not feel like I was wanted or desired as much as he once did. I then asked him if maybe things were better at home, and if he and his W were getting along better (knowing that is not the case...but asked anyway), thus him not needing me in his life as much. He assured me that was not the case...that he and his W still went days without speaking or seeing each other because of the way they both worked.

Now granted, anytime I confront him with something difficult, he has a way of retreating and just listening and not saying anything. Tells me he doesnt know what I want to hear or what he should say...the truth...duhhhh! I reassured him that I knew things at home for him were very different than they use to be, and realized that he didnt have as much time as he once did but I was ok with that and understood. Over the last year he changed positions at work and now works different schedules than he once did and his W's business is in bad shape, and she works at least 12 hours a day (dont feel for her, that is her escape from the marriage and him) and he must care for their 4 yr old daughter in the evenings, thus leaving very little time for us or me. I also told him that I loved him deeply, cared very much for him and never wanted to loose him, but also knew that things had to change, even if it meant me walking out. I told him that all I asked from him was a little more effort on his part, so that I wouldnt feel like I was the only one giving. I told him to think about it, to see if there was time for me at this point in his life.

Well....in the middle of the grocery store, he calls me by name and tells me he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone else ever, that we shared an incredible bond, that he truly felt I was his soul mate and closest friend he has ever had. He said he could not loose me and would not. Of course, he then said this was a really bad time to talk about that, because his W was already calling wondering where he was and he had to get back home...lol But, he did say he would think very much about it and that he could not call me yesterday or maybe not even today but that he would definately call and we would talk about it....that I had not lost him and he was not going anywhere. He said he could not imagine his life without me....he then finished with telling me he loved me again, and for me not to worry. (FYI...we are not a couple that says 'I love you' often...I believe you can show your love better than speaking it)

Well.....we shall see. I do think I startled and scared him when I told him that I had given serious thought to walking away....I could hear that in his voice. I know I am not asking much of him, and I am very understanding of his situation....I just need a little in return from him. Like he and I agreed when we first started seeing each other, that you had to make an effort for this to work, and that we never wanted to become the 'same old same old' to each other...because realistically, if we didnt make an effort, our paths would never cross on their own. And I will give him credit, he does call alot and does leave messages alot. And he will, when he finds the opportunity, make time to see me. Hmmm...maybe I am being too selfish and wanting too much...after reading this.

Thanks for listening...any advise would be greatly appreciated, especially a male point of view...to decipher what was said to me.

secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 4:00pm
Hi Got

I had a male relation read your post (we are very close so moms the word),he also checked out your last post to.

He thinks you should not expect to much from the MM he will get lazy again when he feels secure.

He was concerned about the statement that he would not loose you , thinks it could be a red flag indicating a controling\manipulative person with no real regard for your well being. (my relation was in law inforcement and has dealt with a lot of problem people).

Now my view is that you are asking almost nothing and thats what you have been getting, treat youself better then that please.

GOOD LUCK

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 8:41pm
Hi Free!

Thanks so much for reading my post and having your male friend read it as well. I do want to take a moment and clarify the part about not wanting to loose me. MM is in no way at all controlling...very much the opposite. He is probably one of the most laid back easy going people I know. I believe that comment was either written wrong or taken out of context...unless he is extremely passive agressive and I am too blind to see it...but I doubt it. He can't decide where we have lunch....lol

Now, your friend's comment: 'He thinks you should not expect to much from the MM he will get lazy again when he feels secure.' Realistically...don't we all get that way? Didn't our spouses get that way, thus the reason we are where we are? It does amaze me though, that we work so hard to make an affair work to our liking and want...why can't we (me included) do that with our marriages....life is funny.

But, you are correct, I do know that I deserve better/more....however, by nature, I am a pleaser and want to take care and make everyone happy...usually at my own happiness. And I am going to make it my new year's resolution to be stronger and get what I deserve!!!

Thanks again...

Got