We're having the baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
We're having the baby
21
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 12:43pm
Well, my girlfriend and I had a lot of long talks and spent a lot of time together at lunch the other day, and over the weekend discussing our predicament. We have come to a decision, and decided that we are going to have the baby. I looked at my own kids these past few days and could not imagine my life without them being born.

Now, to tell my wife the news and hope for the best. It won't be easy for any of us but this has to come out. Wish me luck.

Nick

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 1:26pm
I wish you luck...but would it be so bad if she left you? I seems as though you love your OW w/ all of your heart...I don't know if this will make you feel better or not but my friend had an A and got his OW preg..and told his W...they are still M today and his W now has a stepson...whom she loves w/ all of her heart..So, just because this has happend does not mean it will all turn out bad...luv little
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 4:03pm
Hi,

You are a really good guy. Your story touched my heart. You are ready to face up to the responsibilities of your actions. I was in a similar position. I didn't want to get pregnant by my OM/MM. I really thought I was safe. But these things happen I guess, and the blame lies with both of us.

Because of our situation, we have opted that no one should know who really fathered the baby. I decided to keep the baby even though he begged me to abort it. But now I have my small man, and love him so much. In addition, my entire family loves him and he touches everyones heart. Even his real father loves the baby. He shows a real interest in him and ask about him all the time.

Good luck and hang in there.

messedupconfused@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 6:44pm
Hi Nick,

I've sat back and watched with interest in what you and your OW are going through... it feels a little too close to home to me, even though not exactly the same situation.

I'm happy that you and OW have made this decision together... it probably doesn't mean a lot... but I feel that you are doing the right thing by telling your wife about the baby... I know it's what I would do with DH given the same circumstances.

I wish you all the best with everything and please do keep us updated with everything.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Mon, 07-14-2003 - 9:47pm
Nick,

Good for you. And congratualtions! You may not be hearing alot of that anytime soon, but children are miracles. I have no doubt in my mind that that baby will be loved.

I cannot even imagine what I might do in this same situation. But I am definately wishing you luck. Remember that everything in life happens for a reason. There are no mistakes.

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 3:06am
Thanks everybody for your support. It means a lot.

I do have to tell you all though that I have changed my mind about telling my wife. I know this will probably come back to haunt me later (or maybe sooner, who knows?), but I just can't bring myself to tell her. I have tried but I just can't. Besides that, I know that if I do tell her then the relationship that I have with my girlfriend will be over, and I don't want that either. I want to keep her as the very special woman in my life, and there is no way I would be able to do that once my wife knows about her and the baby. I want to keep my marriage and family intact. Yes, I guess I am what is known as that cake eater guy, eh? Yes, I will admit I am being selfish here but I am trying to get through this with the least amount of pain for everyone. I told my girlfriend that I am not going to tell my wife, and she is relieved as well beause she doesn't want to stop seeing me either, and she said the last thing she wanted to do was ruin my life, which is why she had considered the termination in the first place. How could she possibly ruin MY life? I'm the one who has turned HERS upside down! I love her and told her again that I would be there for her and our baby, no matter what, and I would just have to figure out another way to handle the financial aspect of it without my wife getting involved. At least not right now. My wife may find out or I will tell her one day that she is married to a lying, cheating sonofabitch who has another child out there, but it won't be right now and I decided I don't want to put her and the kids and our families through that. I guess I am calling myself "protecting" everyone because of my actions. Does this make any sense?

Hell, who knows... tomorrow I might change my mind again. Thanks again everybody. I'm exhausted and am going to bed.

Nick

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 6:22am
Hi Nick,

Whew, you have been through a lot lately. Talk about the proverbial roller coaster. It sounds like you've thought everything through pretty thoroughly. I can't say whether telling your W or not is the right decision, but I will say, for the protection of your GF and new DS/DD, please go get your will altered NOW. Because if anything should happen to you, heaven forbid, the least you can do is offer your new DS/DD some kind of support or protection *after* you're gone. Talk to your financial planner and set up a 529k or some other plan now, so that there's something in place, separate from your other finances. And starting this early, you can make small enough contributions to those that your W may not notice in the monthly budget and it *will* add up

You came to this board for support, right? Who knew it'd be financial advice? LOL.

But seriously, since you're taking on the responsibility of one more little life, be sure you set up some kind of protection since the legal one won't be there.

And good luck. Get some rest. There's still quite a bit of roller coaster track ahead of you!

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 8:52am
I would like to add a few thoughts from your wife's point of view. I am a former BS. My dh had an affair 8 years ago. We are completely recovered now because of total honesty on both of our parts. We are extremely happy now and after 17 years of marriage our relationship is as exciting as it was when we first got married. There is life after betrayal if you are honest with her. If you choose to not tell your wife, when she does find out (and she will find out - there's no doubt about that) it will be so much worse because you kept this from her. If you tell her now she will be devastated but she will be free to decide how she wants to deal with it. A large part of the betrayal a BS feels is having the WS make all of their choices for them and that they had no control over life decisions that were made without their knowledge. You said you looked at your children and couldn't imagine them not being born. Imagine your wife finding out about your new child and never letting you see your children again because she is so angry at you for keeping it from you and them. Imagine your children finding out they have a brother or sister years from now and hating you for keeping it from them. Imagine the lies you are going to have to tell to keep your double life going. Imagine not seeing your new child's first smile, first words, first steps because you have to sneak to see him. Also, you must know that your relationship will change drastically when there is a child in the picture. I'm just asking you to rethink not telling your wife. Yes, she will be devastated, but if she loves you she will be able to accept it and move on. One thing I think you need to decide is where your priorities are - which love is greater your wife and children or your girlfriend and unborn child. If you truly have stronger feeligs for your girlfriend and child then let your wife be free to move on to a happy life with someone that will love her totally. I hope you don't take this as criticism of your situation, I'm just trying to get you to think of what life will be like down the road. It's easy to romanticize the situation, but day to day life is not as romantic as the fantasy we play in our minds. Good luck in whatever you decide. I hope everything works out for everyone in this situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 12:15pm
Hi Nick,

I understand why you would decide not to tell your spouse. For me I had to decide whether I wanted to hurt my children, and how my actions will affect them. I went into counselling when I found out I was pregnant because I was also considering abortion. The counsellor told me that this would affect the children and that I may not want to not traumatize them at this point in their lives. This will also affect the way they felt about their new sibling. They will probably hate him. So I have given them a chance to get to know him as their sibling and love him, so in the event they do find out the truth, hopefully they will not hate him, but love him because they have already developed a bond with him. This was one of the main reasons why I decided not to abort the baby. Just imagine the hurt your children will feel to know that their dad hurt their mom. In addition, I was also sleeping with my husband when I got pregnant, so there was the possibility that this baby was in fact my husband's. So that was another reason I decided not to tell my husband at the time. Also, like you, I didnt' want to lose my friend. I had developed a relationship with him and we had a special friendship.

While I agree with the poster who stated that it is better that they find out now, sometimes it is better just to think about the children and causing as little pain as possible to all parties. My son's father does spend time with his child and while he doesn't get to see him every day, he cherishes every moment that he does see him. He told me once, that he didn't even hold his first son the way he holds this baby and he enjoys it.

Again the decision is yours, and yes it will be harder for them to digest the longer it lasts, but we can always hope they never have to know the truth. And we can always hope that things would have changed one way or the other.

No I am not the best person to give advice, because I am in such a mess, but I support you no matter what you decide to do. I honestly feel that the baby needs to interact with his biological father and if you tell your wife now, this may not happen. I feel strongly about it because you never know what will happen in the future, or if your child will need his/her dad in the future. Eventually our children may find out the truth. At least, with the contact that they have with their parents, our children will at least know their dad's, and know that he had some part in their lives. So there is much to consider. Again, you make the choice that best suits you. Honesty is normally the best policy, but in some cases, some things are better left unsaid.

Good luck again, and congratulations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 3:24pm
I'm happy you both came to a decision together. That's great.

I'm wishing you tons of luck with telling your W...... I would be full of fear!

~passion
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 3:35pm
Oh My goodness LOL

I'm feeling better about my situation just hearing about yours.! I'm glad my OM is fixed! we won't have this problem.!

Nick, why are you staying with your W?

=)

Pages