Were You Looking for an Affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Were You Looking for an Affair?
10
Tue, 05-26-2009 - 11:05pm
Were you looking for an affair partner or did you just happen to find yourself in the throes of an affair? Did it happen gradually or did you hook up immediately? Are you in love with your AP or is your affair a physical thing only? I'm just curious as to how/why others have found themselves with another person while being in a committed relationship. I, myself was not looking for anything at all, as i had enough confusion going on in my life. An affair was the last thing I thought i needed, yet our friendship turned into something i can't do without, and don't want to do without, as i am in love with him. But life marches on with or without him , and i'll just enjoy the time i do have. Altho sometimes its like torture, having to leave him and go home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 12:31am

Looking for the affair? Nope


We were friends for 3 yrs before anything became physical. Now that I look back however, I can see that it was an EA for most of the first 3 yrs.


We have had 2 D-days...and are still going strong.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 12:39am
I'm not a cheater, not the affair type, couldn't do that, wouldn't do that.....but here I am. I most certainly wasn't looking for an affair. We were just fellow students, then study partners when needed, then I invited the sad guy home with me to meet my h, who was also sad. They both needed a friend, they both made me crazy.... h didn't want any friends... but OM needed a friend and I became that person. The one he called when his stbxw was being nasty (almost daily!) or he was scraping bottom emotionally, or needed advice about his teen daughters. Then, it was this ea, then pa. Here I am... I really want to just tell my whole story. I'm wondering if I'm crazy or what!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 5:35am

In all honesty I was looking.. I was so tire of not having a male companionship.

“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 11:18am

Nope. My AP is a friend of mine Ive known since highschool. We had some history as history goes at that age but ended up as very good friends instead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 11:19am
We were work partners and one thing led to another.Neither my AP nor I were looking for an A.It just happened.
Why would I or you want to end it when our needs/wants are being met?I say the same for my AP as he has to say the same.i fulfill all his needs which are not being met at home and we both are careful about meeting them.
I have come to realize that this A will end if the needs of one of us are not being met.We love each other enough to know what the other wants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 3:10pm
I was looking for A when i first started.I've had a couple of them but just for physical reasons.I am 54,will be 55 next month.To be very honest,i am starting to get jealous of you gals here,really.I feel that i have never felt such high emotions and feelings all my life.I am not getting younger each day!i have a feeling of being left out for feeling real love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 6:46pm

(((hugs))), You should not feel jealous of some one

“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 8:56pm

Were you looking for an affair partner or did you just happen to find yourself in the throes of an affair? I was definitely not looking for an A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 10:58pm
Never, ever meant to end up in an affair. Was in a doomed marriage (over 10 years), no light, no hope, no emotional or physical desire, no support, no empathy, no warmth, only sticking around for my kids, but committed to sticking around. Reconnected with a very old friend (a MM), had an intense long distance emotional connection, could not find the strength to resist about a year ago when the opportunity came for more. I have left my H, which was the right decision regardless, and I do not expect that we will reconcile no matter what happens. I hope for a future with AP, who expects to leave his W (who found out about me, and who is eerily like my H, who does not know about AP) within the month. I believe he will follow through. If he doesn't, I will not stick around for a truly long term A. I love AP more than I could possibly express or explain, and I'm happy to have him in my life. But I wasn't looking for this at all.

MASAlterego


www.nicegirllikeme.blogspot.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 4:36pm

"Were you looking for an affair partner or did you just happen to find yourself in the throes of an affair?"

There is a VERY small percentage of women who went "looking" for an affair. To go "looking", suggests that you put up an ad or answered ads or were looking through all your opposite sex friends and co-workers for a possible AP and then went about making it happen. I think that sort of behavior is more common among males. By the way, I don't think that "going looking" is such a bad thing really. (No, I didn't "go looking"). It's honest, you know what you want or need, and you get it. Some here seem to have the attitude that if they didn't go looking, they're "not as bad" as someone who would go and look. I say it all leads to the same thing and it doesn't really matter whether you "looked" or not!

On the other hand, NONE of us "just happened to find ourselves in the throes of an affair". There are so many steps along the way, crossing the line emotionally, verbally and then sometimes physically. Each step was a choice. We didn't "fall" into anything or wake up one day in an affair through no choice of our own. LOL!

" Are you in love with your AP or is your affair a physical thing only? "

I think it's somewhere in the middle. It's far more than just physical - it's been 10 years! He's become an integral part of my life and a dear friend and confidante. In the beginning, I had some of those infatuated feelings but I think I turned them off, knowing it was best that I keep some emotional distance. After that, those "butterfly" feelings, those chemically induced cravings, they didn't come back. It was as if I had my chance for them, and it was a one time offer. So I don't think I'm "in love" with him, although I love him and worry about him, etc.

Weird, because most people say that about their spouses.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I