what about reconciliation

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
what about reconciliation
7
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 1:50pm
So, D day has came and went. I admit I had an affair, I'm rather open about it (I hate it, but it's a truth in my life). so, this is the part I don't get. If the shoe was on the other foot, if my stbx had an affair, he'd be out on his butt, this marriage would be over, no looking back for me. I had the affair and he begs me constantly to work it out with him. Clearly, I'm not much of a catch if I could do such a thing as an affair and not stop. I have betrayed him, the why's of it don't matter. How on earth could he want to stay with me after that? I read for a little while on the BS board, why does the betrayed want to stay with the betrayer? I know I wouldn't, so I just don't get it, and I don't feel like I can ask there, since I'm not one of them. I don't want to intrude on them, doesn't matter that I was once one of them in previous relationships. I don't belong there, but they are the only people I can ask.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 4:32pm

Hi mom,


I think there are many and varied reasons people would want to stay with the betrayer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 6:21pm

Mom,


I'd like to give you another possible perspective.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 7:29pm

thank you both for your responses. I do think for my stbx, it's a comfort thing. He had it pretty good in our marriage. He had little responsbility and lots of benefits. I know that I'm lovable, no matter what, but my stbx never bothered to show that to me. That fact that I know that is amazing, then, and comes not only from within but also from my children, who love me even when I'm not so lovable (they range from 6-21). I don't want to work out

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 8:06pm

mom,


I'm really glad you are being honest with yourself and your stbx.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 12:12am
I truly feel terrible that I hurt my stbx. I stayed in the marriage because leaving him would hurt him. I should have just gotten out, and should have done that a number of times in the past 3 years. but, here we are, him now trying to figure a way to make this stop. Ironically, he's the one who filed for divorce, now he wants it to stop. I do not understand what he's doing, and he keeps stepping back a bit and trying something new, which throws me off. He doesn't give the last plan a chance to work on me and he's onto the next desperate thing. I do wish this hadn't happened this way. I genuinely regret my affair and truly wish I'd have done the divorce first. The path I chose isn't the one I'd ever recommend to anyone. It was the wrong one and I'm forever labeled as an adultress. I'm thankful for the counseling I've been seeking to work through this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 12:53am

i am with you, when my xso decided to cheat, i sent him packing quicker


than he could blink, i have no concept of staying with a betrayer


either







iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 1:58am

There is a section called Life After Betrayal where you can post on the Both Sides of the Affair board. This is where exactly the question you have can be asked without fear of being slaughtered. There are men on there that were the BS so they would be a great insight into what your H is feeling right now.
i hope this link works:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhealingaft

BS

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.