What about the wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
What about the wife
3
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 9:51pm
I have been involved with a MM for almost 4 years now. He lives in a different city but traveled here on business and lived in my home while he was here for over two years. Things have changed these past 8 months. Our relationship is more long distance since he no longer needs to be here for work. We still communicate every day and we try to see each other every month at least. Through all this he has been living two lives. I have dated here and there but unfortunately my heart belongs to him. We both have been through a lot together (including a life threatening illness) and I think we will always remain friends with a deep love for each other. We have tried to end things several times but always seem to end up wanting each other to be a part of our life. Sex is not the guiding force in this relationship, the illness has made sex a challenge but has brought us closer.

He has done some really stupid things like maybe he wants to get caught. I often wonder if his wife knows and just doesn't care. She had an affair several years ago and there marriage dwindled from there. He calls me while she is with him, sleeping, parties, vacations, etc... from home number and cell number. He has called me with her sitting right there with him. He keeps my cards, pictures, personal items etc.. that I give him. I don't know where but he does. When he travels here he gives no explanation as to where he stays. The money he spends. When I go there the same thing. He says he is visiting friends, showing friends around town etc.

He once made the comment when I called him a coward that I was a coward for not asking to have a sit down with the two of them. I want to know if she knows. I feel if it was me I would want to know. I do not believe she is stupid. She is an educated business woman and she must know. Do I tell her? I have often thought about her coming to my home of office and confronting me. I really think she knows. He does not think so.

I don't believe some of things I have read here - that I would be destroying a persons life. People do not end up having an affair when they are married unless there is something wrong in their marriage to begin with and it takes two to get there. I think people that say they are happily married and are having affairs are lying to themselves. I also have been on the receiving end so don't send me messages about - I don't know what its like. I got over it and so you.

My question is do I tell her? If so - how? Do I ask him to tell her?

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 11:18pm
Well, if it helps put things in perspective at all, i can tell you there are people having A's where the spouse knows, that's my case. My MM's W knows and to be honest, they hardly ever talk about it. They go on like "normal". Don't ask me how she does it, because if i were her, even if i decided to stay, or put up with it, i would still talk about it! Other than the occaisional one-liner dig at me, there's nothing. i assume it's all building up and it's all going to blow. i hope it happens sooner than later because them just going on like everything is fine is driving me mad. He has even told her he is leaving her for me (i know the truth, he is fence sitting and not decided) and still they hardly ever talk about me or the "future". Strange.

good luck

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 2:15am
I think it is his place to tell her, or have a sit down with all

of you if that's a real possiblity... could get ugly and who knows what

would happen but he couldn't lie to you about it if you were there...

not saying he would but who knows with these MM.
Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 1:39pm
Deb is right- number one rule in an affair- you never ever ever tell your partner's spouse. It's just not your place. If he wants her to know then he can tell her but you don't really have a right to decide one way or the other if or when she should know. You aren't in that marriage and it only ends up making you the bad guy in the end. Don't do it don't do it don't do it!!!