What is "affair support" to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
What is "affair support" to you?
53
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 10:01am

There arose a little tiff on another thread about someone being "non-supportive" and that this is an "affair support" board.

What does "affair support" mean to you, personally?

When I came here, maybe 1 1/2 years ago, I was amazed that there was a place I could share my affair story and not be judged, ridiculed, berated, etc.

I did not, however, expect to have a cheering squad yelling "yay rah rah!!" or "you go girl!" I never minded the hard questions or the things people might say to make me think about what I was doing.

There have been times people have posted and I so wanted to post and mention the spouse's feelings or the unfairness to the kids, especially in discovery stories (some where wives or children walked in on "the act") but I've seen people get put down for even mentioning sympathy to a spouse. Aren't the spouses human beings with feelings too? Where did they sign up for all this? Aren't we supposed to think about them or at least consider them in the grand scheme of things?

If someone complains about their A/P's "controlling spouse" or "suspicious spouse" I sometimes want to say - maybe they sense something is very wrong and they're trying to use "control" to get things back the way they were! Imagine sensing your spouse slipping away, losing interest, and you have no idea why or what you're up against. On top of that, said spouse is probably telling you everything is fine and you're crazy! How would that feel? It might make you the domineering, suspicious sort of person that your A/P describes.

I think this place could become a lot more thoughtful AND helpful if people weren't jumped on for being "non supportive" when they're only trying to think things out from all angles.

I can understand not wanting that sort of input from a BS or BG, but if we're all in the same category - OW or WSs or even former OW/WS - then I see nothing wrong in exploring every aspect of our A and what it means to us, our A/Ps and both of our families.

Someone here made a thoughtful post about "support" on another thread and I'm going to look for it and post it.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 10:06am

This was posted by hopefull1996. (Hope you don't mind me moving your post here hopefull) :-)

" 'Affair Support' does not mean Affair 'Hey it's OK'

That is the funny thing about this board. People seem to think that. People throw things around and say hey this is suppose to be support.

You don't go to an alcoholics support forum and have everyone tell you it's OK. You have to hear the truth and some hard things. You don't go to an abuse support group to hear hey, it's OK that you are in an abusive relationship. It's OK that you were abused. Or it's OK that you like to beat and batter women. Those are just your feelings. No, they hear that it is wrong and they are told the alternatives to deal with their feelings and their selfishness.

Affair support can be a person just explaining that the feelings that they are having are normal for a person in an affair. Once the affair is over, the feelings will be different.

The very same people that are talking about others having agendas, seem to have there own, because they want the feedback to be limited to everything is OK. Keep doing what you are doing as long as you feel happy.

Come on, we all have been there. You don't have to have high morals to understand that there is a lot WRONG with an affair relationship. It is grounded in lies and deceipt just to name 2 things. If it weren't, you would not be having an affair, it would be called an OPEN MARRIAGE.

People are not on the wrong board. People just do not want to live in reality. I would hope no one would really want to be in an affair long term. Support is trying to help people find the answers within themselves. We have all had the same questions: "Why am I feeling the way I am feeling?" "How do I get past this feeling?" "Where do I go from here?" Helping others with those answers and challenging each other to look inside can be helpful. That too is support."


Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 11:39am
I came here 2 years ago and was amazed. Started my
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 12:36pm

There will always be an issue about this topic because there are basically two types of people when it comes to support. One, the people who want opinions and want to really solve a problem; and two, the ones who really just want to continually vent and be told "Oh, you poor thing!" with nothing ever really getting solved without a magic fairy showing up with her wand. The only solution I can see.....if anyone wants one....is to have two folders, something like "solutions" and "hand holding" for people who can't bear for people to offer support in the way they don't want. Sounds stupid, but it is stupid.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 3:15pm

Here is the definition of support from webster... also the board specifically says this board is for those that are

maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 3:58pm

Ok... one more thing... I looked up the guildelines of this board and they are as follows...ivillage has several other boards that support all angles of an affair.

maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2009
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 4:11pm

I don't think anyone expects to come to this board and have someone tell them "WAY TO GO!" "YOU GO, GIRL!" or anything like that. I think people come to this board to try and find people who've been through the same situation or who understand what they are feeling. THAT is where the "support" comes in. Finding others who understand you, your feelings and your situation. I don't think there's a person on this board who will tell someone else "You're having an affair? GOOD FOR YOU!". That isn't going to happen.


However, there are a lot of people in different stages of an affair - and every single one of them can offer to support to each other.


I think we all need to remember that our words - no matter how truthful - can truly hurt someone who is in a vulnerable emotional state right now. We need to be careful about how we say some things to people. Does it mean we have to pat someone on the back and tell them that they're doing a wonderful thing? No, but we also don't need to be overly cruel to someone who is trying to process through and cope with an affair - no matter what stage they're in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 5:09pm

Well, both former CL's were not currently in affairs (as far as I know) - so apparently it's not a board for just people IN affairs.


When I was involved in my EA, the people who I felt supported me most were the ones who had BTDT.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 5:54pm

i am mainly a lurker, occasionally post. I agree with some posters that say that support comes in all forms and some may embrace harsh words of wisdom others take offence to such responses. The way i see it is that many situations are different, not all humans are the same, responses and thought processes although share some common grounds amongst humans many of the smaller more intricate details are unique to every individual. Therefore it amazes me how many people generalise, how so many give their words of wisdom per se, but fail to support their words with either factual or personal evidence, and therefore make presumptions that one for all and all for one.


At the end of the day people should post how they see fit in what they beleive to be a appropriate response to any given post, but having said this i must also agree that one does not or can never know the true circumstances of any of the posters. This is fine, except some respondants do come across in a way that no matter what they can predict someone else's thoughts and feelings, just because thats what they beleive. But the fail to say that it is based on their own entire opinion.


The way i see it is, if someone is going to reply in such a way that they know everything and can predict how others are feeling, and reasons behind others behaviours etc. then it would be more acceptable if they also back any of their reasonings up with how they come to that conclusion (to say 'just read the boards and you will see', to me is just not good enough). It would help greatly if the posters can see why such responses are being made the way they are, and what is the background story of the respondants. At least many posters who feel offended can then see why a response is made in the way that it is.


This of course is just my opinion lol


SS

"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 6:23pm
BRAVA on your post. If you need someone to talk to I have a
caring smart small group of friends who support one another with caring advice in a respectful safe non-judgmental atmosphere on yahoo..no one in an affair should feel they have to leave this board when your post of the MAS guidelines clearly shows you belong here.
I have made many friends from MAS--close friends so it is sad
to see the way the board is headed.

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