What is "affair support" to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
What is "affair support" to you?
53
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 10:01am

There arose a little tiff on another thread about someone being "non-supportive" and that this is an "affair support" board.

What does "affair support" mean to you, personally?

When I came here, maybe 1 1/2 years ago, I was amazed that there was a place I could share my affair story and not be judged, ridiculed, berated, etc.

I did not, however, expect to have a cheering squad yelling "yay rah rah!!" or "you go girl!" I never minded the hard questions or the things people might say to make me think about what I was doing.

There have been times people have posted and I so wanted to post and mention the spouse's feelings or the unfairness to the kids, especially in discovery stories (some where wives or children walked in on "the act") but I've seen people get put down for even mentioning sympathy to a spouse. Aren't the spouses human beings with feelings too? Where did they sign up for all this? Aren't we supposed to think about them or at least consider them in the grand scheme of things?

If someone complains about their A/P's "controlling spouse" or "suspicious spouse" I sometimes want to say - maybe they sense something is very wrong and they're trying to use "control" to get things back the way they were! Imagine sensing your spouse slipping away, losing interest, and you have no idea why or what you're up against. On top of that, said spouse is probably telling you everything is fine and you're crazy! How would that feel? It might make you the domineering, suspicious sort of person that your A/P describes.

I think this place could become a lot more thoughtful AND helpful if people weren't jumped on for being "non supportive" when they're only trying to think things out from all angles.

I can understand not wanting that sort of input from a BS or BG, but if we're all in the same category - OW or WSs or even former OW/WS - then I see nothing wrong in exploring every aspect of our A and what it means to us, our A/Ps and both of our families.

Someone here made a thoughtful post about "support" on another thread and I'm going to look for it and post it.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 12:02pm

Hibooboo,


I have had an affair and I think people that have not fall into one or more of the following categories(probably more, I just can't think.. I am drinking my coffee as I type)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 12:13pm

>I have had an affair and I think people that have not fall into one of the following categories(probably more, I just can't think.. I am drinking my coffee as I type):

>1) Have not been in tempting enough situation< I think your number 1 and the rest of these are all tied together. Even if a tempting enough situation the fear of consequences, having boundaries established, or are a deeply religious person can stop one from entering into an affair, no matter how tempting.

>2) Have made it a point consciously or unconsciously to establish boundaries and protection around their marriage including places they will go, what type of friends they will have, things they will or will not do or say with the opposite sex

3) Are just ridiculously afraid of their spouse and the consequences

4) Have a deep spiritual connection to GOD and their local spiritual group that prevents them from acting on their desires/temptations.<

I also think some people just prefer to keep their marriage between the two people in it... there will ALWAYS be temptation... but that doesn't mean anyone has to give into it... I know I regret my decision to do what I did... I wish I had divorced first and than moved on instead of having the affair. I know I could have waited, I just chose not to do so... which is why I feel that those who can do the right thing? Are morally better than I am...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 12:31pm

Agreed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 3:58pm

If I do ever find myself to be in a predicament again of possibly going down the A-road - I will be looking for the wisdom (and smackdowns) of G2, Clarity, Tgrbabe, sillyme, catbert and of course you Lexi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 8:18pm

It seems there are a few on here who seem to care genuinely about their fellow

maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 8:22pm
if you ever need to talk, let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 8:29pm
Hey!
maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 8:46pm

Aww shucks.... Obx,

Always happy to give "smackdowns" and virtual "reality-slaps". Glad it was helpful for you..... I'm proud to accept the honor in being placed in the category with the likes of Clarity, Tgrbabe, sillyme, catbert and of course, Lexi.

;)

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"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 8:52pm
i try to run about 2 to 3 miles about 4 times a week. it works off anxiety and stress.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 11:37pm

Just wanted to pop in and say that I too came to this board about 18 months ago after being in an affair for 6 months.

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